I think we can all agree that Disney Junior fucking sucks now, and it's mostly because Disney has no clue on what the fuck it's even doing anymore, and neither do I.
The programs now are complete trash, and though we do occasionally get gems like Doc McStuffins and Sofia The First, but more often than that they're real bad. However it wasn't always like that.
If you grew up in the 1990's or early 2000's, you'll know that Disney Junior which was named Playhouse Disney at the time was actually pretty good with some fantastic programs including Bear In The Big Blue House, Handy Manny, Etc.
It was February 14, 2011 when the network changed to Disney Junior, and that was the day when Playhouse Disney died, and the magic went away.
However, what many people don't know is that the change from Playhouse Disney to Disney Junior wasn't a company decision or marketing ploy, no in reality it was actually due to an episode of a certain cartoon about a certain yellow bear which caused the head of the studio at the time Joseph Green to fire all the staff, and replace them with new ones once Disney Junior was established.
How do I know this you might be asking? Well cliché as this might sound I actually used to be an intern for Playhouse Disney from 2004 to 2011 along with my wife Emily, and my part-time lover Pompidou. I hated my wife because let's just say she was quite cosy with some of the executives at Playhouse Disney. Basically she slept with them that's kind of the point I was trying to make. However, Emily's blaint cheating is actually what got me my job at the studio in the first place so I have to thank her for that I suppose. Notice that I'm talking about Emily in past tense... you'll soon find out why.
As for my part-time lover Pompidou, I always loved him more than Emily, and we're actually planning on getting married during the Christmas holidays if you wanna come dear reader? I've already got your invites ready.
Sorry for that random tangent anyway, this story all began on a freezing cold day in December 2010. I don't remember the exact date because I'm not a computer boyio!
Me and my co-workers including Emily and Pompidou were called into the viewing room to watch the brand new episode of My Friends Tigger and Pooh. If you haven't seen the show before I'll give you a brief summary.
It's about Winnie The Pooh and Tigger too along with a girl named Darby who takes the role of Christopher Robin in the series having their own detective service called the Super Sleuths. They spend every episode helping a character with problem. I didn't really like this show that much but Emily loved it, and so did Pompidou.
Pompidou began rubbing his bold head up and down before saying, "ooh I don't like this Peter I don't like this one bit!" "Why?" I asked. "The bingo game's been cancelled tonight due to the weather." Pompidou explained while crying. I shook my head as another intern named Mark Bergin put the disc into the DVD player.
The episode started with the normal theme song, and it was completely normal. The only real difference is that Pooh was shit colored.
The episode then started with Pooh walking down the 100 Hundred Acre Wood with his face looking like Eggman’s. Pooh was walking for awhile until he entered a small park where he ran into Tigger and Darby.
Darby waved at Pooh when she saw him, and greeted him with, "hi Pooh good to see you're happy today!" "Yeah Pooh old boy I've never seen you that happy." Tigger said also happily. I got sick again. "Well today is actually quite an important day for little old me." Pooh explained before continuing, "my entire family is coming down here to visit me." "Wow that sounds amazing pooh!" Darby exclaimed while giving Pooh a hug. Tigger looked really uncomfortable as Darby had put laxatives in his orange juice.
"What time will they be arriving?" Darby asked, and Pooh responded with, "they'll be here at... um oh bother I've forgotten what time they'll be here." Pooh said sadly. "Don't worry Pooh we'll help you remember, but this looks like a job for the Super....." Darby didn't get to finish her sentence as Tigger began taking a dump in the punch bowl they at the picnic table for some reason. "Oh I remember now!" Pooh exclaimed happily before continuing, "they'll be here at 2 o'clock this afternoon." "Oh buggering buggerton I only have an hour to get everything ready for them." Pooh said sadly. "Don't worry Pooh we'll help you get ready right Tigger?" Darby asked while nudging Tigger in his crotch area causing it to bleed. "No." Tigger said but his reply was ignored.''
It then showed a montage of everyone getting things ready for Pooh's family arrival. Emily then began eating my ass, but I managed to push her off as the episode continued.
Pooh and his friends gathered outside his house to await the arrival of his family when a small Rolls Royce pulled up on the parking lot. Four bears got out of the car, and walked over to Pooh and the gang.
One of the bears who was dressed like a 1970's gangster, came up to Eeyore, and said, "sup boy wanna smoke some weed?" "I rather smoke some crack." Eeyore said while listening to some weird rap. "Aren't you going to introduce us Pooh?" Another bear who was dressed in a Royal Navy uniform asked. "Yes of course." Pooh said before continuing, "guys this is my family." Pooh then began listening his family's names one by one.
The gangster dressed bear was named Franklin and he was Pooh's older brother, the Royal Navy uniform wearing bear was named Ainsley he was Pooh's father, another bear being Pooh's mother was wearing a red dress was ironically also named Emily, and another bear who was Pooh's younger brother dressed in a three piece suit named Tim.
"So these are the friends you've be telling us about?" Emily asked while walking around the gang in a circle not a square because this poo is cold. "Yes yes yes." Pooh said while making a sandwich with honey in it. "They're lovely." Tim said who sounded like ENA. Odd I know, but he really did. "I'm afraid Pooh I have to go early as my hotel is having some problems with a stolen credit card." Tim said as a limousine pulled up beside him with a big fat driver getting out of the car.
The driver pulled out a large cheesy pizza before saying, "Mr Pooh your very own cheese pizza." This caused Bergin to run out of the room in fear. 'Pussy,' I thought to myself.
I bet you're probably now wondering why this episode caused Playhouse Disney to change into Disney Junior? Well get ready because that question will be soon be answered.
Pooh then asked if Tim could have a quick sandwich, and Tim agreed. He ate the sandwich, and then died on the spot. Yeah not even joking on that one. "Pooh you stupid bastard. That sandwich had honey on it!" Franklin yelled as he pulled out a tommygun, and shot himself in the temple killing himself.
"What the hell!?" Darby exclaimed in utter shock and fear. "Shut up Darby you annoying little toe rag!" The driver complained while eating the cheesy pizza that was meant for Tim.
Ainsley and Emily didn't seem to acknowledge the deaths of their sons, and instead made their way inside Pooh's house for the party. The party was pretty normal for the most part, but at some point Emily and Tigger disappeared from the party.
Halfway through the party, an angry Ainsley came running down the stairs with Tigger and Emily following behind. Basically, Ainsley explains to the gang that he found Tigger and Emily doing a lot of inappropriate things together. They were caught playing with Star Wars Lego, if you know what I mean. Ainsley then said, "I want a divorce! I never liked you anyway Em. I only married you because you were pregnant with Franklin.
I'm gonna marry my true love Woody." Ainsley announced as a small SUV pulled up outside, The driver walked in, and revealed himself as of course, Woody. "But one thing must be understood I would never go against The Godfather: Don Corleone is a man I respect... I understand he must put his sons before me in the Ü business." Woody explained. "Pure poetry." Remy the rat said while pulling that cheesy face he made when Gusto made that soup.
"Take my Ö to your Ü big boy!" Ainsley exclaimed as Woody picked him up, and ran outside with him in his arms. The two ran towards the sunset as Mo Bamba played in the background.
Emily then starting crying before exclaiming "That's it I'm going to McDonald’s to get some BTS meal Jimshit!" She then got into the limousine from earlier, and it drove away into the distance.
Rabbit then got a text on his phone, and exclaimed, "guys guess what my family is coming over for a visit in that swell?" "FUCK!" The whole gang screamed, as the episode ended with the normal credits.
Joseph Green came in, and yelled, "who the fuck made that episode!?" None of us spoke up out of fear of what he might do to us. Green then sighed before saying, "ladies and gentlemen this episode has caused our good friend Mark Bergin to jump out of the ten story window. With his
sad passing, I am reluctant to announce your dismissal from this company." Green explained. "What why?" I asked confused. "Because dear Peter...." Green began while getting extra close to my face. He then continued with, "since no one will confess to the crime I'm going to fire all of you." Green said evilly while letting out a massive fart. "I'm getting poisoned by the gas exchange I need to be naked!" Green cried as he began dancing around like a little girl. An old intern whose name was Colonel Bolonel then stood up, and proclaimed, "I made the episode!" "What!?" We all yelled at the top of our lungs. "I made it
for you Emily because I love you." Bolonel explained while looking at Emily who was visibly touched by this.
Also the chair he was sitting in stunk like dirrrahea and rotten meat mixed together in a bag underneath a bridge in New Orleans. "Well now you know who made the episode you don't have to fire us." Pompidou said confidently. "Oh I'm still going to fire you. I can't have staff who will make disturbing episodes like this." Green explained before continuing, "and as for you Colonel let's see what the police have to say about this!" "You'll never take me alive!" Bolonel yelled as he sat back down, and his chair suddenly grew wings. He grabbed Emily, and placed her on his lap, as the chair flew towards the sky, and made it's way towards the sunset.
However they didn't get very far, as a plane ended up crashing into them causing a massive explosion which killed both of them. The plane was not damaged by this however for whatever reason.
Following this incident. we were all fired by Green, and he changed Playhouse Disney into Disney Junior. The episode is also what led to him cancelling My Friends Tigger and Pooh as well as all the other programs on the network.
I'm now engaged to Pompidou, and even now nearly eight years later, we're still talking about this episode. I still don't know how Bolonel made the episode, how his chair was able to grow wings and fly, or how much a bottle of coke costs on the train but rest assure one day I will have the answers.