The Author of this Story is Schizima .
Hey, sport. You’ve heard of all these goddamn lost episodes, haven’t you? Well, maybe you’ve never seen the lost episode of Pokemon. I was a disheveled intern working in the backroom at DIC entertainment. I know what you’re thinking, DIC sounds like your mom . Get your mind out of the gutter.
I was always a huge fan of Pokemon. I remember when I was in third grade me and a little Asian boy used link cables. I stole all of his 9150 pokemon and traded them for ROYGBI. I remember that kid was steaming mad at all the ROYGBI. So angry he could plot revenge, mad indeed. Angry. Raged. P’Oed.
What a lot of people don’t know is that there is a lost episode of Pokemon unlike any other. You know because I just told you, but most people don’t know ANYTHING. Did you know that the original 150 Pokemon are all based off of famous baseball stars? What t did you think? Diglett was supposed to be Babe Ruth and Dugtrio was supposed to be three Bube Ruth. But very few know the origin of lou GEHRIG.......
There are no words to describe how this tape completely destroyed my life. It left my life in pieces, fragments if you will, like fragments of dorito crumbs sticking to your beard as you jack off reruns of YuGiOh aka future card buddyfight for third world Cuban boys.
Third world Cuban boys? Listen up. Shut this recording/reading off immediately if you’re afraid of having your feathers ruffled and your world turned-down. I got a call from Pokemon executives in Japan to do some voicework for the up and coming season of Pokemon. That same weekend I got a skype call from a girl named Cutemamalovekids314. She said she thought I was extremely cute based on my Skype picture and wanted me to come to Cuba to roll her some cigars if you catch my drift, and by that I mean I wanted oral .
Anyway, this doesn’t belong in a Pokemon lost episode, does it? Well it’s a shame that REALITY is intervening in your pipe dreams about what a “fictional” lost episode could be. “Oh, will Ash have bloodshot eyes and kill Pikachu with highly realistic gore?” Go read your contrived chicken pornography elsewhere, this is real life. I grew up on the streets. I’m a balla.
I kept messaging cutemamalovekid314 until she asked me for a picture of my hat Now I know what you’re thinking: why would you send a girl a picture of your hat ? Well it just happens that all women have a hat folder on their computer where they collect men’s hats and make a wallpaper out of them.
I got out a tiny tophat and cane and put it on my hats, set up some stage lighting and took a high quality headshot of my hat. I sent it to her. The only reply was one of those smiley faces with the sideways “D” implying an open mouth, and I never heard from her again.
A few weeks later I was flown to for an audition! I was to voice Magikarp, a magical carp. They gave me my lines. “Magikarp magikarp!” I yelled, imitating the joyous magical carp. They immediately served me a carp dinner and I was told I got the part. I was to be paid 100,000,000 yen, or roughly $ 0.8470 American dollars.
The cape may have been poisonous, as I passed out. I had that nasty fish smell in my nostrils when I woke up on a pile of rotting garbage.
A few weeks later I got a VHS in the mail. It was in a brown paper bag with the letters “DWTTYFA” on the cover. I could only assume these letters stood for “Don’t watch this tape you I hesitantly put the dvd on, knowing that it could’ve been my first paid acting gig as the venerable magic carp.
Indeed, it was a Pokemon episode. “I want to be the very best…like no one ever was.” The intro song began. “Eradicate the human race, by surgically grafting their jaws.” A shot of a man with his mouth surgically grafted into being a rat’s mouth was shown. Blood and whiskers were everywhere.
The part of the song where the guy sings “It’s so true!” was changed to “I’ve got the black death” and a shot of someone dying of smallpox was shown. I was starting to assume that maybe this wasn’t exactly an actual Pokemon episode, even though it was. I was concerned about all the baby, however. Ash Ketchum’s name was changed to Ash Ketchup. “Ash, get in here!” yelled someone who sounded like a cab driver. Ash had bloodshot eyes that were highly realistic and disturbing.
My heart skipped a beat when I finally got my line. “MAGIKARP!” screamed an angry german man. That wasn’t my voice at all! Highly disappointed that my voicework didn’t make the final cut, I continued to view this strange and nonsensical DVD. There was something grainy in the backdrop, as though someone had dropped an atomic bomb on the outlying fields. Various dead birds, real birds, not pokemon, could be seen laying all over.
“Ash, we have to defeat team rocket!” One of them yelled. It turned out their Pokemon weren’t powerful enough or some shit. “There’s a new Pokemon I want to introduce!” Declared Ash, who had angry eyebrows all of a sudden. “Check it out.” This voice sounded like an Asian man. “My new Pokemon, check It out” Said the smiling Asian man behind the mic. He sounded quite a bit like the executive producer.
My eyes squinted as I stared at this…new Pokemon. “SMALLEPINS!” it yelled. “SMALLEPINS!” It was a strange Pokemon, a contorted monstrosity.This all happened years before they had added new Pokemon to the Pokedex, so it was #666, Smallepocks. Not the most creative name, though to be fair Luvdisc is pretty lame as well.
The creature looked a bit like a Weedle with two smaller meatball shaped apparati, and an angry mouth with a bunch of smiling teeth. The creature had but one strange eye that opened sideways. “Surely we’ll defeat team rocket with this creature!” Huffed Ash, who sounded like he had throat cancer. Tiny pikachus began to rain from the sky for what seemed like no reason. Most of them were dead.
The smallepins confronted Meowth, a cat, and grabbed it by the whiskers. It ripped meowth into two pieces while highly realistic blood and gore flew in all directions. It seems like real gore pictures or maybe some crushed meatball dish was overlaid on top of the video.
And then…The smallepins picked team rocket up and hurled them at the sun. The sun got a massive, creepy eye in the center as a dollar Pyramid unfolded and twisted beneath it. It turned to the sound of grinding like a Rubik’s cube as millions of Asian men marched in the background, shooting down bald Eagles and giving the middle finger. Ash killed Pikachu, with highly realistic gore.
Ass picked up a knife and stabbed himself in the chest as egg rolls and chicken soup exploded out of him. A rainbow of blood washed over the screen as the tape began to flicker, pop and exploded out of the VHS player, burning away the back wall of my home and leaving singe marks on my face, eyes and merkin.
I picked up the phone and began to dial my bosses infuture card buddyfight . There was no answer. I wanted to know the meaning of this disturbing VHS tape, one of many disturbing VHS tapes I’ve watched and will continue to watch in the name of family friendly entertainment.
Months had passed and I had grown older, more disheveled, more bitter. I wanted to know why they never used my magikarp voice sample. Well, I found out through some friends of mine that Smallepins was now the biggest and most popular Pokemon in Japan. It was on lunchboxes, cereal boxes, sneakers, it even had its own comic strip in Japan! I was impressed, but did they know that this disgusting and horrifying creature was in a VHS tape that advocated murder and animal abuse, not to mention bestiality?
I found out that a Pokemon comicon in Japan was featuring Smallepins as its number one headliner. I purchased a plane ticket, flew to Japan and headed to the convention. I needed to know exactly why this strange and godforsaken nonsensical VHS was sent to me. The president of Nintendo was going to be there, and while I am a patient man, I would’ve had no problem punching him in the face.
“Hey there, cowboy!” Laughed a little Asian man. The comicon was annexed so he sat high above everyone on the ground floor, like some final boss in a video game. Smallepins was everywhere! He was on t-shirts, on stickers, posters, postcards, several Asian businessmen were singing about Smallepins in their native tongue. “Smallepins, smallepins, smallepins is he, a friend of mine” that didn’t even fucking rhyme. There was even a Smallepins mascot dancing with Japanese children in the center of the convention.
I climbed the stairs up to the head of Nintendo, holding the tattered remnants of the destroyed VHS. The Asian man just smiled at me, smiled and smiled away. “I knew this day would come.” Smiled the Asian man. “I have built great empire. Gaze upon my wealth of treasures” He held up a Mcrib sandwich. I knew something sinister was occurring, I just couldn’t put my finger on it… “What is the meaning of this VHS?” I demanded. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS VHS!” I screamed. “TELL ME THE MEANING OF THIS VHS, YOU . WHY DID YOU CREATE THIS NEW POKEMON?!”
The Asian man just smiled. He smiled, and smiled and smiled away. “I didn’t create it at all.” He smiled. He went over to his laptop, smiling. He turned it around to show he was logged into Skype under his created account… cutemamalovekids314.
Oh. My. God. “I really enjoyed your picture.” He smiled. “AND I THINK THE REST OF JAPAN IS ENJOYING IT AS WELL!” I looked down at the floor beneath me. At smallepins. Sure, it was drawn over a little, but those veins looked familiar. Small epins. Small…epins. SMALLPENIS! “NO!” I screamed. “IT’S MY COCK!” OH MY GOD NO.
OH MY GOD NO.
I ran down the staircase screaming bloody murder. I began to tear up various Smallepins comics, umbrellas and hats as someone threw a coat tree at me. I ran over to the Smallepins that the children were hugging and ripped them off of him. I punched him square in the face as the little Asian man in the costume hunched over and cried.
I ran up to the president of Nintendo, realizing it wasn’t the president of Nintendo, but an imposter, who smiled at me and spun around in his swiveled executive chair. He started to sing the Pokemon theme song as I broke down in front of him. “Smallepins is evolving!” He snickered. “Smallepins is evolving!” He threw a plastic Pokeball at my head and kicked me in the face as I passed out.
Several Asian policemen detained me and beat me brutally with bamboo rods. I woke up in a Mexican prison with my mouth feeling… a little funny. I looked over at the prison mirror. My face was covered in blood and bandages. I peeled the bandages away, feeling my slick carp like skin. My mouth, was now carp. I could feel the right side of my skull had been surgically opened. It was the part of my brain that controls speech.
I went over to the Mexican jailer. “WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!” I yelled. But that’s not what came out of my mouth. “Magikarp!” I yelled. “MAGIKARP MAGIKARP! MAGIKARP!” Well, I guess I could tell the world about my horrible tale but MAGIKARP. MAGIKARP. MAGIKARP.
MAGIKARP tuck MAGIKARP help MAGIKARP MAGIKARP me KARP.