Original story credit goes to uTonical.
Hi. How was your day? Mine was utter shit. I woke up this morning drenched in piss... That's right, I am not afraid to admit it, I am a bed wetter. Be judgmental all you want, I gave up giving a shit a long time ago.
Anyways, I ate some breakfast, fed my cat Adolf Hitler, and went on my usual morning commute, working as a trash man. It's a dull job, exactly 93.4527% of the time. I'm also a genius mathematician who has been kicked out of every university I've lectured at because I stole chalk from the classrooms. Fucking little shits ratted me out every time. I grew up loving the Toy Story franchise, still owning my original Buzz and Woody toys to this very day. Anyway, enough about me.
I happen to stop by Pixar Animation Studios on my usual route, but nothing interesting has come from their dumps until today when I stumbled across a certain VHS tape at the bottom of their dumpster. "THE NEW TOY, 1992" was scribbled in black sharpie with the words "PLEASE DESTROY -JL :)" under it scrawled in silver sharpie. "JL" standing for director of Toy Story, John Lasseter. Under that was "P.S. WE NEED MORE SHARPIES" written in black crayon. "Did I just come across an early version of Toy Story?" I muttered to myself. I got a massive boner from this amazing find, hiding the tape in my coat pocket along with my large and hard woody.
After finishing my job for the day, I hurried home and popped this fantastic tape in my VHS player while popping myself some Orville Redenbacher's popcorn, cooking a Christmas ham, and reheating some leftover burritos from Taco Bell, ground beef smothered in taco seasoning, shredded lettuce, diced tomato, sour cream, and a delicious coating of melted cheese. All of the listed food items that I prepared I previously found in various dumpsters while I worked. You never know what you'll end up smuggling from random trash bins when you're a trash man. Anyway, after preparing a meal fit for a king, I sat down with my food on my sofa along with a Dr. Pepper and pressed play on my VHS player.
The words "The New Toy" appeared in white text against a black background with what sounded like Randy Newman singing an early version of You've Got a Friend In Me, but it sounded like he was singing it in a raspy tone, taking small rests in between verses to burp rather loudly. There was some metallic clanging in the background as well. I was already wondering what the fuck was going on at this point. I continued out of curiosity as to what unfolds from here on out. The screen faded in to Andy playing with a ventriloquist dummy version of Woody. It looked like the early test film that everyone has seen, but the quality of the animation was lower, like the characters were on strings being controlled by a retarded monkey with palsy. The camera panned out to reveal that Andy was playing with Woody during his birthday party. His birthday dinner consisted of Orville Redenbacher popcorn, a Christmas ham, and several Taco Bell burritos. I gasped at the screen, quickly shaking it off as a coincidence. I pressed on.
Andy went to go help his mom with something, leaving Woody alone in the room. He came to life immediately, materializing a piece of chalk from his holster. This made my heart drop several times over. "Someone's been stealing chalk around these parts!" He said. It sounded like Tom Hanks doing a gruff voice with a thick Texas accent. It's been said that Woody was more mean spirited in the early drafts of Toy Story, but what happened next made me understand why this was never to be seen by anyone outside of Pixar. Woody took Buzz Lightyear (who was named Tempus from Morph at this time, and was way tinier in comparison to Woody) out of his newly unwrapped box and proceeded to draw a dick on his forehead with the piece of chalk while laughing sinisterly. "WHO'S THE DICKHEAD NOW, SPACEMAN?" Woody shouted with nothing short of what I could describe as evil, twisted enjoyment. I was more mortified by the fact that they fucking swore in this cartoon.
Tempus tried removing the white chalky cock from his forehead, but to no avail. It cut back to Woody, but his head was a crude low-poly 3D model of Tom Hanks' head. "YOU WILL BE A DICK TO INFINITY AND BEYOND, MIDGET!" Woody howled in an almost demonic tone. When it cut back to Tempus, he was a penis with Buzz's face pasted on it. He looked clearly offended, and screamed " YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS, COWBOY!" He sounded more like Jim Carrey than Tim Allen, and sounded more like a superhero. It cut back to Woody, back to normal. He took out his wooden penis and slapped Tempus across the face with it, who was also back to normal at this point, albeit some strange red liquid dripped from his nose and left ear. Woody turned and scowled at the camera, his eyes seemingly following my movements. I spat out my Mr. Pibb in a comedic spit take when this happened. "This town ain't big enough for the two of us... " He said as the tape began to sputter. I heard some rattling coming from my bedroom and what sounded like some tiny footsteps. I immediately dismissed the sounds coming from my bedroom as my cat Adolf Hitler tapdancing again. I finished my Orville Redenbacher popcorn and threw it across the room, into my kitchen, in the trash can. It then cut to the next scene.
It was an early version of the Pizza Planet scene, but it was called Pizza Putt, all the kids were playing mini golf and eating their boogers. An early version of Sid comes along, getting Tempus and Woody out of the crane game. He cracked an evil retarded smile before it cut to Sid torturing the two toys. Odd thing is, while Sid was torturing them, they were alive during it. Tempus had his arms and legs ripped off from an aparatus that Sid made, kind of like the Saw trap that ripped that man's limbs off. Tempus was clearly screaming, but his voice was replaced with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Woody wasn't screaming, seemingly not feeling any pain whatsoever as Sid popped Woody's head from his body, his head on one of those control stick things that ventriloquist dummies have to control their face. Sid started controlling the stick, making Woody's mouth open and close. He started mocking the cowboy. "HI! I'M A COWBOY! I KILL INDIANS EVEN THOUGH MY ANCESTORS MASSACRED A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM TO TAKE OVER 'MURICA!" I was shocked by this. The last thing I expected from Sid is for him to have a political agenda of any kind, being a 12 year old kid. Sid proceeded to slap Woody across the face with a Christmas ham. There was some loud rustling coming from just beyond me, in the kitchen. My trash can then fell over seemingly by itself. Adolf never goes through my trash as I've told him in the past that it's not polite to go through other people's garbage. Oh, what a hypocrite I am. I saw what seemed like a small, brown, baby-sized cowboy boot sticking out from behind my trash can. I shrugged it off as one of Adolf's tapdancing shoes. The tape continued.
Sid took Woody and Tempus outside in pieces, dumping gasoline all over them and striking a match, repeating his lines from the final movie. "Roger, permission granted, we are confirmed at T-minus 10 seconds... and counting... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2..." but before he got to one, Woody's headless body pulled a knife out of hammerspace, slowly walking towards Sid, knife raised. Sid screamed hyperrealisticly as he took off running. What followed was 10 straight minutes of Sid running around his yard as fast as he can while Woody's body slowly walked towards Sid, just like a horror movie. Woody was somehow keeping up with Sid as he is walking at a slow creep as Sid was running at what seemed like 666mph. In fact I took out my handy dandy radar speed gun and held it in front of the TV, and I was right. 666 miles per hour. I was petrified at this demonic tape and the contents within, but my love for Toy Story is stronger than my disgust for this tape, so I continued, sipping on my Dr. Mr. Pibb-Pepper and sinking my teeth into a burrito, already having finished my Christmas ham. Woody passed by his head, placing it back on, although it's very wobbly so it looks like Woody has some type of neurological disorder. Sid tired himself out, falling to the ground with a thud with so much bass in it there is no way it came from my TV speakers. I realized my 7.1 surround sound stereo system was suspiciously turned on by an unseen force. I could've sworn I spotted a cowboy hat peeking from around the subwoofer, but it could've been the hat I used as part of my Sheriff Woody cosplay at a local convention. There were also large dicks drawn on the chalkboard I keep in my bedroom. I know I never drew them, I only draw swastikas on my chalkboard. Woody said to Sid "This town ain't big enough for the two of us..." in a gurgly, death-sounding manner. Woody drove the knife into Sid's chest, highly realistic popcorn poured from his open wound as Woody and Tempus laughed demonically. The tape stopped there, automatically rewinding, signifying that the tape did in fact end.
I sat back in my seat, finishing my last burrito and throwing the wrapper onto my ottoman. I felt something sit beside me. Slowly, painfully slowly, I turned my head towards the opposite seat on my sofa. There beside me, sat a ventriloquist dummy version of Woody. He was munching on popcorn kernels at the bottom of my bag of popcorn that I previously properly disposed of. Not to mention his crotch region was twice as large as he was. "THEY DON'T CALL ME WOODY FOR NUTHIN!" He chuckled, beginning to choke on a popcorn kernel that he inhaled. He gave himself a heimlich maneuver, (aka an abdominal thrust) in which Heimlich was oddly a character from Pixar's next movie, A Bug's Life. What a fucking dick. I had enough and jerked the popcorn away from him, throwing it away once again, and was about to call 9-1-1 on this plastic, midget-sized house invader who was obviously trying to get high off of Viagra. He pulled down his pants revealing that his weiner was actually a 30 inch piece of chalk in the shape of a cock. He drew a dick on the crotch area of my pants and said "NOW YOU GOT A WOODY!" He laughed maniacally, swinging his chalky cock around in circles. Son of a bitch. I was done dicking around with his trashy escapades and chalked all this up to being a nightmare. Woody noticed that I certainly didn't find his jokes to be savory in any meaning of the word. He took out a baseball bat and slammed me across the head with it, knocking me out cold.
When I woke up, I was in what seemed to be Andy's room from the tape I just watched. As I came to some more, I realized that A, I pissed myself in my sleep, and B, that it was just Woody redecorating my own bedroom to look like Andy's. He had wallpaper for the walls, new furniture, everything. I realized that this monster needed to be stopped. I comedically tiptoed out of the room just as Woody was finishing up applying the wallpaper. I heard Woody scream wildly, knocking over stuff in my room. "WHERE IS ANDY?" He was screaming out loud. "I GOTTA FIND ANDY!" How the fuck did he know my name was Andy? He came out into the living room just as I retrieved the tape. Upon seeing me with the tape with obviously hostile intentions in mind, Woody's eyes rolled back into his head, his arms and legs falling off. He grew spider legs and razor-sharp teeth, lunging at me with incredibly high speed. Luckily I have the reflexes of a cat as my very own Adolf Hitler taught me, and was able to smash the tape in the ground before Woody could get to me. He screamed with the voice of what I can only call Satanic, before he exploded into Crystal Pepsi all over my floor. That asshole. The only soda I drink is Dr. Pepper. I sighed in relief, believing it was all over. That was until I heard a rustling within the closet where I keep old belongings. Out comes Tempus from motherfucking Morph. He had a printed out picture of the trollface pasted on his helmet and threw a copy of Toy Story on Blu-ray at my head. Sincerely fucking pissed off at this point, and taking advantage of his visual handicap, I spun him around several times before leading him out the front door. He walked into the sunset, carrying pieces of chalk and drawing dicks on the sidewalk, flipping the middle finger to elderly women and to really anyone who called him a midget, because that term is apparently offensive.
A word of advice to fellow trashmen and women out there. Do not pick up any VHS tapes you may see in dumpsters, especially if they are found outside of movie studios. And never steal chalk, for it will haunt you for the rest of your life.