I was an intern at a local delicatessen when I went into the back “playroom” and found a missing VHS tape of the muppets. Shockingly, it was intended for children, but Elmo, who is not even in the Muppets, had gold teeth and was shooting the middle finger.
I managed to sneak out late one night and pocketed the VHS tape, putting it in my extra large cargo jeans along with a shake, fries, and a cheeseburger with extra pickles (I wasn’t arrested for theft, but my boss told me he wanted to speak to me in the morning via SMS).
I put the tape in and it was shocking. The muppets are singing, laughing, dancing. Miss Piggy, Kermit, and Fozzie, the driver, along with Big Bird whose head is sticking out of the sunroof. They’re laughing, and laughing and singing, when all of a sudden I hear someone yell outside “You better turn that car over or I’ll bust a cap in yo puppet ass.” Fozzie swerves, nearly crashing, as he throws out the wheel and the car spins out of control. I realized this wasn’t a green screen and someone was actually driving the car!
Fozzie hits a curb, screams! “Nokka!” the sound of a glock popping shows Kermit scream, as he is shot three times in the head, chest and abdomen.
Miss piggy was shot in the head, and Fozzie had fumbled with the buttons, accidentally closing the sunroof and painfully decapitating Big Bird.
Big Bird lay there with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, blood pouring from his severed neck. “I don’t fell so wall…” he mumbles and then stops moving.
Kermit is crying. “When will this gang violence end?” Tears are streaming down the puppet’s face, as the car circles around. Fozzie had crashed, and you see him laying there with fire burning the puppet away to nothing, a human hand retracting because the puppet has gotten too hot. There was a hand in the puppet?
“I always loved you miss piggo!” Kermit tried dialing 9-1-1- but the car circled back around and shot Kermit again. Some white powder fell out of his mouth which I later found out was “cocaine” an illicit drug. Two grown men with bandanas kick the puppet to the side, tear open kermit’s chest and retrieve two large bricks of coke, before throwing the bloody puppet in the trash.
I emailed my boss about this strange episode, but he was still very concerned about the missing shake, fries and cheeseburger with extra pickles. The next day I was called into the office by the security guard, and I asked them about the VHS tape, but they were seriously concerned about this cheeseburger with pickles.
I admitted to the delicatessen security guard that I had stolen the cheeseburger, and my employment was promptly terminated. They never asked about the VHS, in fact, that room with the VHS tape player was boarded up and had never been accessed by anyone, this being a delicatessen.
I decided to go into work one more time, into the back where the deli counter was, only to find someone chopping up frog legs containing trace amounts of white powder that I could only assumed was cocaine. And they were selling it as beef. It tasted delicious though, and I ate an entire gallon of it naked in the backroom before I was rehired a few days later, with an apology from the manager for making their burgers “so delicious you’ll steal them.”