We all remember the classic Jim Henson series, “The Muppet Show.” Actually you know what, no! You do not remember; then again neither do I, cause we are dead inside. Fucking shitty ass fucking motherfucking Muppet fucking Show motherfucking ruined my fucking fucked up fucking fuck-ass motherfucking life and I fucking just motherfucking want to fucking say to the fucking motherfuckers fuck you all fucking fucker motherfuckers to that and fuck your fucking fucker of a fucking Bob Fucking Saget horse you fucked in the fucking fuckass butthole fuck then fucked my fucking life motherfucking eternally fucking fuck fuck fucker the motherfucker fucker fucking ass shitfuck I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on my motherfucking plane. Fuck this fucking shit man! Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck you all! FUCK THIS GAY FUCKING EARTH! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! FUUUUUU- Sorry, I need to take my medication for a moment. [pause to take meds] Much better… where was I...
Anyway I guess it was a show featuring Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Gonzo the whateverthehell he’s supposed to be, Swedish Chef, Rizzo the Rat, Sonic and Knuckles, Rivers Cuomo, Kevin Smith, Louise and Tina Belcher, the professor and the millionaire. Of course there has to be a lost episode. “Duuuuuh, hyper realistic blood and gore, WHO WUZ PHONE, a skeleton popped out of my closet, he looked disheveled and some shit.” SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is a true story of what actually happened.
I was an intern at a Disney Resort hotel. The first thing I have ever done was to greet a group of guests who happen to be pedophiles with their sweaty cheeky armpits who have sexual relations with their mothers while pouring scary spaghetti into their backs just to scare annoying spoiled bratty kids out of the park with a Spiderman costume just to do a dance move off of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I have no idea what to make of it until one faithful day- I found a VHS tape. It's a magnificent rectangular piece of old technologic nostalgia (NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC. Frickin' Doug Walker remembering things so I don't have to... fuck yo thoughts!) that said, “The Lost Halloween Episode of The Muppet Show” in crappy Helvetica font. I was dishevel- I mean excited. That’s when I left work early.
So I finally got inside the employees room at the Disney park; though in all strangeness, no employees were even in the room. Maybe it's a national holiday and workers are getting days off by visiting families… at least that is what I’m assuming. Remember kids, if assuming you make an ass out of you and me… or is it the other way around? But anyway I looked at the cover and realized that the guest star was some creepy Sasquatch or something. I thought it exists in mythology. Regardless I am just a dumb ol intern with no life believing lost episodes are real. So I put on the VHS tape; and even with difficulty knowing where the co-ax cables go; I had luck plugging them in, then rewound the tape and played the feature program. That was the decision I had regretted from that moment forward.
The tape began with a weird promo for Hanna-Barbera cartoons which featured George Jetson’s front loaded nuts. He had three testicles that look like boobs; but more awkward and chaotic. I'm guessing Jim Henson and Hanna-Barbera made a syndicate deal… I have no clue. Maybe it was some bootleg.
Regardless the next was a second and last commercial, which was for Papa John’s. We see Louise from Bob’s Burgers looking like she wanted to steal the pizza a la The Noid. Then the pizza became anthropomorphic and became more aggressive. The commercial became more disturbing as the pizza had a large boner and it somehow segwayed into a Japanese kiddie hentai, even featuring Hayley from American Dad being the pizza.
The commercial ends with some announcer who somehow sounded like a combination of James Rolfe and Droopy. “Papa John’s. Better ingredients, better masturbation. Watch out for the Papa John’s Killer. He will cumshot your face.” This was followed by a two second blinking static picture of… a horrible national tragedy that happened in 2001.
The episode probably began with Kermit in the letter O looking uneasy and morbid. He then screams in an unusual shaky and angrier tone, “IT’S THE MUPPET SHOW FEATURING TONIGHT’S SPECIAL GUEST CRASH- WAIT I MEAN THE NORTH AMERICAN SASQUATCH! YAAAAAAY.” Then the theme song began.
It's time to start the music
It's time to smoke the faggot
If you know nothing ‘bout a sasquatch
Then you’re nothin’ but a maggot
It's time to sing Limp Bizkit
It's my way; my way or the highway
Our lives’re a piece of shit
In an angry video game
Rocko’s Modern Life
Swedish Chef and Mister Rodgers rap battle
On the FAGGOT, It's that episode where all the episodes come back in 1 episode because we don't feel like animated anything SHOW.
(smoke them fags...)
I was offended by the unusual version of this theme song. Everything, including the use of the word, “faggot.” In addition, the episode ended with Gonzo vomiting red chunks of meat from his mouth. Basically the same trope that happened i- nevermind.
The episode cuts to Kermit smelling a horse’s ass that looked like Bob Saget the horse. Ecch. I noticed that being a Halloween episode it had headless horsemen, jack-o-lanterns, and even dancing skeletons with top hats, canes, suits, bow-ties, and some even wore a monocle. Wait- maybe the headless man was riding Bob Saget the horse! Ah whatever, I’m dwelling too much on the details of this episode. Kinda like how I’m dwelling on my life, just dreading that I existe- sorry. I gotta continue.
Kermit speaks to the audience, “Welcome to the Halloween episode of The Muppet Show. Tonight’s guest is someone you’d remember. A creature!” What’s weird is that in this scene only Kermit suddenly had one eye as if Jim Henson forgot to finish up modeling his puppets. Although the one-eye was centered and was placed in a pyramid like an illuminati sign. To make things even stranger is the background music someone in the editing had selected was the main theme song to Battletoads for the NES. I find it weird assuming that Jim Henson and Disney would affiliate with Rare Software to actually promote the show. Coincidentally a flashing image of Gonzo appears in the background cosplaying as Kazooie holding Ash’s book of the dead. Okay now that’s just stretching it! Errr, forgive me I don’t mean my penis size. Although Gonzo wearing a costume in the most frightening way possible may add up to the self-titled holiday special, as well as ANOTHER promotional tape for the lost episode of Nick Arcade where Potatoes needed to complete Superman 64 in order to survive. Ehh, moving on…
In the next part we see Miss Piggy and Kermit arguing. I couldn’t tell what they were arguing given the loud static filter that was awkwardly put in. I knew it sounded realistic as if Jim and his crew were arguing about who shot John Lennon in that one lost episode of The Beatles animated series. I heard Alex Trebek and Drew Carey; from Jeopardy and Whose Line is it Anyway respectively, arguing in the background as well. The argument abruptly stopped when Rizzo was dressed up as John Madden. He was stoned as hell as he was with a koala and they were talking about the lost Big Bang Theory episode; as well as comparing that to a lost Rick and Morty episode. Miss Piggy looked angry and disgusted that she yelled at Rizzo, “I’ll show you how to play Monday Night Football. Prepare for your life. Your ‘Rocko’s Modern Life!’” But wait, why are there references to other lost episodes; what the hell is this?! She grasped Rizzo by the neck; thus she grabbed a propane tank approved by Juggernaut from the X-Men cartoon, and shoved the valve into Rizzo’s mouth resulting in him crying. “DID I DO THAT?!?” she yelled in an unusual voice of Urkel as she giggled sinisterly.
Her voice suddenly went back to normal as Miss Piggy was asking Kermit what he feels about the recent massacres happening in the world. Kermit lectures the following, “All massacres were lies. 9/11, the holocaust, JFK, mad cow disease, Oklahoma bombings, Boston Marathon bombings, Sandy Hook, Orlando nightclub shooting, swine flu outbreak, Paris bombings, Virginia Tech, Columbine, Vegas Strip shooting, Ariana Grande bombings, War in Iraq, ebola, Kurt Cobain’s suicide, bestiality, Elliot Rodgers, hurricanes, Randy Stair, Aurora movie theatre, AIDs/HIV, Stock Market of 2008, Vietnam War, pedophilia, free masons… they are all done by lizards. Including myself…” and that’s when it hit me! WE ARE THE LIZARDS. We were controlled by the government just to be treated like skeletons and not actual human beings. “It’s not easy being green.” Kermit screamed in a more demonic voice as his face melted in the most realistic way possible. I was frightened; I had to call security about this. Just looking at footage of various tragedies that were playing at this moment made me scream in terror. Then the tape exploded as the text appeared in Comic Sans font as read by… what appears to be the voice of George Jetson, “IF YOU CALL THE POLICE… IF YOU CALL THE ASYLUM… OVER SOME LOST EPISODE… YOU WILL BE NEXT… WATCH THE REST… YOU WILL FIND MORE CLUES… AND BY THAT MOMENT… ANSWERS WILL BE REVEALED.”
I was crying in agony, but I had to find more clues nevertheless. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am insane. I’m scared, I’m not cheering; make it your way… CHEERS. Tonight on an episode of Family Guy… I am more wacky. Not like that shitty ass goddamn cocksucking cunts with posers like Woody Woodpecker or Daffy Duck! Fuck them! I’m more insane. WILSON WE’RE AT TOOL TIME NOW. Ya listen to Tool or Sum 41... or Alkaline Trio... or LIMP BIZKIT. I’m not coco for Coco Puff! Fuck that bird! Call me Caddy Cannibal. Nobody Likes Droopy Dog. Fuck me! Fuck you! WE ALL REMEMBER THE 1997 SERIES KING OF THE HILL. I’M DR. IVO RRRRRROBOTNIK. SCARY SPAGHETTI. In the not too distant future… NEXT TIME ON DRAGONBALL Z. BARNEY WAS MURDERED WITH A SAND CASTLE SHOVEL. I has a shuvel. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT I WILL TAKE A GODDAMN SHIT CAUSE I’M MORE ANGRY THAN THAT ONE ANGRY VIDEO GAME NERD. COMIC SANS THE MAN HERNANDEZ IS HERE. What I like about this movie is- Captain Planet, I hate Mondays- I would like to buy a person; is that a final answer? I’m a doodle. LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE. Propane. Limp Bizkit Kid Rock Staind Papa Roach Creed Nickelback. CRAWLING IN MY CRAWWWWWWL, and THAT is TONIGHT’S MEMO.
I need to take another medication again, I’m now hearing voices. [pause to take meds… again] Much better… face it. Breakfast is ruined.
The episode resumed normally as if nothing happened. Fozzie Bear appeared with his costume being a WWII Nazi outfit, a tiny mustache and a tattoo of a swastika on his forehead. He appeared as unusual to look like a skinhead. He yelled with an angry German accent, “VUT DO YOU GET VEN YOU MAKE ZEE LOST EPISODE? VY YOU PUT ZEES ON ZEES VHS TAPE. VUNKA VUNKA. SALUTE ZEM SHORTS AND GIVE ZEEM A SVEET SIEG HEIL.” He was accompanied by other German marchers including Donkey from the lost Shrek film, Juggernaut yet again, the one German wrestler from Rugrats, an old-timey German from the grocery store, and Shredder from the Ninja Turtles. They had pitchforks and fiery torches about to protest the Disney park. I was shocked! How could they do this? Was this live; but how?! Is this a prank!?! Is this satire!??!
The next part is with Gonzo hanging from the gallows. He was on a noose holding one leg. “For my next act,” Gonzo screamed, “I will cause havoc and destruction all over the world. ALLAHU ACKBAR.” He vomited out red bloody meat; his eyes became hyperly bloody as hell. Oh yeah, HELL IS RIGHT. He stared directly at me… directly into my soul… for what seemed to be about two minutes and some change or so, give or take. The Happy Days theme song played while this was happening, with a screenshot of Samus from Metroid vomiting red chunks of meat. I’m not too sure if the following companies actually promoted this episode by doing a full-blown crossover but I was scared. Gonzo’s head blinked in intersperse seconds and I paused to look only to find out that Gonzo morphed into Popeye wearing a Green Ranger helmet. I assume this was a missing episode where Saban paid rights to the creators of Popeye to have him appear in the episode o- nevermind. I was still confused.
Statler and Wardorf appeared in the balcony dressing up as dead bloody corpses of Siskel and Ebert. Statler commented, “Well so far this lost episode someone is speaking and/or typing at this time is a pasta.” Wardorf responded, “I wholeheartedly agree. It’s not a shittypasta nor a trollpasta. It’s not even creepy.” They laughed. I sure as hell was not laughing; although I cracked a chuckle for a little bit given the fourth wall that these two guys broke down. Until I saw a glimpse of a giant wall in Mexico. A large kitty that was ready to attack the set was there eating Rizzo in the most brutal way fashion. We cut back to the balcony guys once again; Wardorf commented, “as the old saying goes mousey, grab her by the pussy!” They laughed again. But so far nothing was funny. I was traumatized!
Animal was there fucking the drums and Renaldo was there in the background dancing with 576 skeletons. All skeletons wore a bow tie, suit, top hat, a cane, and a monocle all dancing with Renaldo. Animal was pleased but… no this wasn’t entertaining.
To this point, the tape flickered constantly with more subliminal images of Mr. Ratburn dying by screaming loudly, Tim Toolman being stabbed by Wilson, and John Cleese throwing spaghetti.
The next scene occurred which shocked me the most. Profanity in a kids show, conspiracies about massacres, sudden promotional product placements, subliminal messages, and this being an abrupt crossover was nothing compared to this next scene. I was surprised that red meat nor blood came out of my ass.
Swedish Chef appeared to sound like a wannabe gangsta black guy (no I ain’t racist and I ain’t a gold digger) but he was there with a butcher knife. “Listen up muthafucka!” said he, “I will cook dem chickens and turn dem into fried chickens. Den I’ll eat my goddamn melon. Kus I am tha Swedish Chef. I wuz kang and sheeyut!” Just when the chickens appeared, he cut them raw, fried them, and ate them alive! Gross. He grabbed two melons and ate them all in so many seconds that he had more game than the NBA allstars. He topped that off by drinking orange Crush soda… only leading to him taking out a old shitty boombox. An Eminem version of Mister Rodgers appeared on screen and they were dissing at each other as a rap battle began with a shitty beat playing.
This all turned into an Epic Rap Battle of Lost Episodes...
LISTEN UP FUCKA RODGER, YOU CAN SUCK MAH DICK
YOU JUST A POSER DAWG, YOU MAKE A SWEDISH CHEF SICK
YOU AIN’T DOWN WITH THE TICK, YOU FROM DA WRONG NEIGHBORHOOD
I DROP DA BEATS AND BASS LOW AND I’M DOIN’ DEM GOOD
YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN LIKE O’REILLY, YA HEAR DAT MISTER RODGER
YA RELATED TO AN ALIEN, YA PURPLE SWEATER DODGER
CALL ME LIMP BIZKIT OR VANILLA ICE BUT I’M MORE OF KENDRICK LAMAR
TO LEAVE WORK EARLY I DRIVE A '69 CHEVY CAR
NAH I DON’T FEEL YA DAWG, MY SWEATER HAS SOME PURPLE SWAG
MEAN LOOK WHOSE TALKIN’ NOW ANYWAY, GO BACK TO SMOKIN’ A SHITTY FAG
DAT MEANS CIGARS BY DA WAY, REGARDLESS I’M THE REAL DEAL
I'M THA REAL MISTER RODGERS HERE, APPROVE DAT BY YER SEAL
I’M MORE THE ONE WHO DROP THE BEATS ON PUBLIC TV
HAVE SOME FEGATINI, DAT’S WHAT I JUST SAID, YA SEE
YA BELONG MORE IN A DUDLEY DOO-RIGHT LOST EPISODE
NOT EVEN IN THE MUPPETS WORLD, LET YA MIND EXPLODE
YA MAY HAVE PROMOTED TACO BELL, BUT WHERE THA DEW AND DORITO’S
YER A LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT WHO COULD NOT EVEN AFFORD SOME HOES
WHO NEEDS MONEY FOR YA ANYWAY, I’M A BIGGER DEAL IN DIS PLACE
EVEN DA ENTIRE WORLD, NOW GET THA FUCK OUTTA MAH FACE
I’M THA ONLY ONE WHO RIDES IN MR. BONES’ WILD RIDE
YA LOOK LIKE YA HAVE SOMETHIN’ TO HIDE
OH WAIT, YER DISHONEST AS BALLS, YA KILLED A GORILLA YA PRICK
DO YA WANNA WATCH THA LOST EPISODE OF THA TICK
CRY ME A RIVER YA TWAT, YA DON’T UNDERSTAND
DIS RIGHT HERE IS TRUE ART, BEING SPECIAL; GOTTA HAND
WAIT YER AS SPECIAL AS A SNOBBY BRATTY CHILD
NO WONDER YA TRIED SO HARD TO RAP BUT YER RAP IS TOO WILD
YA TRASH, YA BELONG UNDER TROLLPASTAS
YA AIN’T DANK ENOUGH TO BE SELLIN’ A SHITLOAD OF RASTAS
I’M THE TRUE CREEPYPASTA AND YA CHEF HAT YA AIN’T
I EAT 99 CENT TACOS THAN YA NOW GO OVER THERE AND FAINT
“Who won? The Swedish Chef or Mister Rodgers? You decide if you find more clues and answers!” a voice of George Jetson yelled.
After that nonsense... Crash Bandicoot wearing a Jeff the Killer costume appeared out of nowhere with Gonzo running and yelling, “OH MY GOD!” He shoves the Swedish Chef’s knife up his ass. Crash Bandicoot appeared who looked like that one angrier version of Chandler from Friends. It turns out that he was in a disguise all along. Crash said the following, “Who am I?” Kermit asked by staring at me with red bloodshot demon eyes. “Yes Dave… who is that?” I tried to figure out who it is… is it Droopy? Is it Timmy Turner? Is it Hank Hill? Is it Zoidberg? Is it Jake the Dog? Is it Uncle Phil? Or that one host from Reading Rainbow?
“Time is running out? Who is that?!” yelled a voice of George Jetson. I hurried as fast as I can to figure out whatever the hell that is… “WHO?!” a voice shrieked. “WHO!?!” I panicked so hard I could not answer; and at that point… time was up. “Ya sack of nuts and bolts, I’m laughing that you, especially everyone in this futuristic world- YOU. ARE. RETARDED.” I was insulted from my intelligence, but I should’ve known… that bandicoot was actually the North American sasquatch.
At this point in the entire episode people were murdering each other, causing the set to be destroyed. Hell, I even heard similar noises to that outside. People running and- oh god! Holy shit! Fozzie Bear and his nationalist army! They were already knocking on my door and I was terrified by this. I tried to use my Barbie phone to call the police, the NYPD, Metro, SWAT, the CIA, the KGB, even the town’s insane asylum. Maybe I needed to be taken away. But they broke the door, they got in, they were running and they attacked me as I fainted.
I woke up sometime later to find out that the lost episodes and any sort of pastas that Dave read were real! George Jetson smiled and… shoved three testicles down my throat as the Disneyland parks were attacked. And it occurred to me… we are the lizards.
The moral of the story. If you find another lost episode... all of this will happen. Even if these episodes are fake and I mean hell, some lost episodes try desparate to be scary. In such tragedies in the world, all lost episodes include the one Dave has been reading for four and a half years... these lost episodes... are... real...
We all remember the 1997 series King of the Hill- *thud*
DID I DO THAT?!? I SAID- DID- I- YA-BA-DABA-DOOOOO THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA error. error. error. error. system malfunction. error. errrrr-
THE END! HAVE A HAPPY HALLOWEEN! I LOVE YOU VERY, VERY MUCH!