Written by DaveTheUseless. Literally. Written. That is.
Everybody watches the Super Bowl halftime show. Just kidding: no one does. That's the time people get up from the couch and go use the bathroom.
I was working as a truck driver. There were no rest stops in sight, and I had to piss really badly. Luckily, I had a used crystal pepsi bottle sandwiched between the front seats for such an occasion. I reached my Gary Johnson in and took a whiz. It felt good, but in the process I lost control of the wheel and crashed into a tree. Luckily, I had the driver's seat prepared to expel me in such a situation. A giant spring unleashed under my buttocks, and I landed safe and sound outside of my car before impact. Exhausted from this experience and so terribly hungry, I walked into the local Denny's restaurant.
"Do you have hot pockets?", I asked the sexy blonde waitress. "Nope: just your untimely demise." Hm. I'd never gotten that one from a waitress before. "I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa", I replied. "You'll have untimely death.", she barked back. Hm. This lady really hated me. "I'll have a box of triscuits, a Hawaiian punch, three double cheeseburgers, and a boiled goose.", I asserted. "I'll have your head on a silver platter", she exclaimed. Well, this wasn't going so hot. I thanked the lady for her pleasantries and told her I would be on my way. She told me that I had five minutes to prepare for an eternity in Hell.
At this point, I had no idea why this blonde lady hated my guts, but I just wanted to go home. "You can check out at any time you like, but you can never leave here!", she hollared. Well, Sweet freakin' Lebowski! I ran to the entrance, but it was blocked now, and instead of plain glass, it appeared that a placemat was now glued onto the thing. Judging by the medieval characters on the thing, I assumed that it was a promotion for a fantasy movie. I squinted, and... I was bewildered by what I had seen. The title read... 'The Bobbit'.
I tried banging on the door to attract anyone who might be outside, but nothing happened. "I'm going to have your dick, John", the waitress said with a menacing-looking knife in her hands! It was just now that I made out that her nametag read 'Lorena'. This was that lady who cut her husband's dick off and tossed it on the side of the road! I looked around the place for something, anything that I could use as a defense item. "Use the forks!", I thought to myself, eyeing a fork that had been left out on an unused table. I engaged her in a utensil fight, in the battle to save my dick.
Minutes must have passed. I was tired from both this and from the car crash earlier. I suckered her into thinking that she had a clean swipe at my dick, but at the last second I pulled out a plate and the knife struck the cheap, potentially cancer-inducing plastic. Not being one to hit a girl, I playfully shoved her backwards and told her to stop trying to sever my penis. She didn't listen, but by that time I had grabbed the knife and tucked it away in my cargo shorts.
Sick of all this shit, I took a seat at the bar. "You know, I always read that you have black hair.", I asserted. She responded with a "Shut the fuck up!". I asked her to bring me a beer, and she told me she'd give me one in exchange for the knife. Yeah, right...
"You really don't remember...do you, John?", she asked. It's almost like she finally realized that I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. Also, my name is Wayne. "It was 1993." 1993. Yeah, I know she cut some poor SOB's appendage off, then. He had it surgically re-attached, though. "I thought you did a good job in Frankenpenis." OK, that was weird. I had seen that movie, and I know for a fact that I wasn't in it. In fact, I wasn't even an actor. I was a truck driver!
"I get it." I rolled my eyes. "You're trying to get me to believe I'm John Bobbitt." "Because you are." "No, I'm not. My name is Wayne." "Wayne is John Bobbitt's middle name!" "And Gacy's!" "Shut the fuck up!" "You shut the fuck up!"
Well, I was sick of this shit. If I was stuck in a Denny's alone with this lady, I could at least enjoy myself. I took a bite out of the pancakes of an unfinished Grand Slam breakfast, not realizing that they were poisonous. Lorena informed me that I had 10 minutes to live.
Suddenly, it all hit me.
"You're blonde. Lorena had black hair..." I paused. "You're... you're not Lorena Bobbitt at all!!"
She gave me a look of disappointment. "O.K. Fine. You win. You're almost dead anyway, so who cares." I turned my focus to the TV. Someone had shot 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick in the face. "Are you someone from my past?" "Sort of", she responded. "Did you cut off my dick in the past?" "Sort of", she responded. "Are you dead?" "Sort of", she responded. "But also very much alive."
I turned my focus back to the football game. Kaepernick was given an anonymous burial at midfield. There was no funeral. In fact, no one cared that he was dead. Starting quarterback Blaine Gabbert continued playing as if nothing had even happened.
I meditated on this. "You're my memories, aren't you?" "Yes." "The stuff that I can't let go." "Yes." "You're trying to tell me that I need to let you go." "NO!", she screamed in defiance. "I need to stay. I need the attention." "But you're killing me.", I responded. "Not literally. Just...inside." I sighed. "I think I get it now.", I posited. "Good: because it's been 10 minutes." The poison kicked in. I started choking, and I died. ... Sort of.
I awoke by a tree. Paramedics determined that I had briefly lost life when I crashed into it. It had been determined that I had drank a potentially lethal dosage of alcoholic Crystal Pepsi. I needed emergency surgery to repair my severed penis. Knowing that I'd be in hospital for a few days, I opened the blinds to catch the view. Right in front of my window, across the street...was a boarded up Denny's restaurant.
"The Haunted Denny's Restaurant"