Written by Oliver Charles/Bruno Tattagllia
I'm sure that everyone of us here has been to Burger King at least once in our lives. I mean let's be honest here people; Burger King is probably one of the most famous and successful fast food restaurants there is. Some people would even be tempted to argue that it's better than McDonalds and KFC or even Jack In The Box. Now, I myself personally believe that there will never be a fast food joint which could even think of possibly rivalling Jack In The Box, but if there was to be one I would be happy for it to be Burger King. However, much like Jack In The Box, in recent years, Burger King has been seeing a massive spike in their stocks. People just aren't buying their whoppers ya know? Their advertising campaigns have also suffered greatly, and have become nothing more than week old pugwash which appeals to no one in particular.
Now, I guess I should explain some things. My name is Johnathan Maguire, and I work as a fast food agent. My job is to investigate any irregularities with fast food companies. No fast food place is safe from me not even Benji's Got Fries... there was this guy from Springfield who was selling steamed hamburgers but nah he went quiet. Anyways, I
have always had a keen interest in what exactly happened to Burger King. How such a powerful company could experience such a dramatic fall from glory. So, I hope you've got some popcorn on you because this is going to be a very bumpy ride. So bumpy in fact that by the end of it; you'll be looking like Mr Bump.
Burger King was founded in 1954 by the Burger King who was not known as the Burger King back then, no back in the 1950's he was referred to as the Burger Prince. The Burger King was a very different person back then. He didn't have his trademark beard and smile. He also actually spoke instead of being nothing more than a silent stalker. He had a dream to make things happen. His big dream was to make a burger so good so tasty that everyone in the town will be raving about it. The King had everything set up and arranged for his company to become the most successful fast food company in the world. He owned a cow farm just north of Detroit, and he used this as the base of his operations. With the help from family friends, Burger King created the first batch of whoppers which sold like hot cakes. Now, at the time, the King did not own a restaurant, and sold all these delectable burgers from the remains of an old ice cream van. However, as the time passed, Burger King ended up wiping out the entire cow farm. He needed some more beef!
So, in reaction to this lynching, Burger King became a trusted associate of Farmer Francis. Farmer Francis was an old friend of the King having gone to the Burger Academy with the King many moons ago. The Burger King offered Farmer Francis 54% of the company's profits in exchange for access to Francis' livestock including his chickens and his pigs. However, Farmer Francis was actually going against his own moral code by teaming up with the King of burgers. You see; Francis had been a long time supporter of the Pig Equal Right Act of 1924. Heck, Francis had even signed the bill when it was first commissioned all those moons ago. Francis however thought nothing of selling over his pigs to the King. However, once his piggy friends in the London Stock Exchange found out about Francis' betrayal, they refused to acknowledge them. It was one of the many reasons that driven Farmer Francis into insanity... well that and being one of the most ugly little ducklings I've ever set my eyes upon!
By the end of 1954, Burger King had founded his first official Burger King restaurant in Miami. He knew early on that competition was going to be tough. There was loads of competition in the area from up and coming restaurants and ones that already found their footing in the city. In the King's favour however was his enemy's lack of intelligence when it came to running a business. In truth, the King was an excellent man of business, and some say that he knew how to keep Christmas well. He was also a fantastic judge of character. When it became clear that his burgers were a success in Miami, King made arrangements to start expanding the business across the United States. He expanded all around and even began opening up restaurants in Subway tunnels. Subway tunnels! Oh that's cunning Burger King! Now great men are of course not born great, and neither was the King. However, it was around that he went from being known as the Burger Prince to being known as the Burger King. It did not happen in a day, it did not happen in a week, it not even happen in a month or a year, but by the end of the 1950's and start of the 60's; Burger King was known by everyone in the fast food world as the Burger King.
As his fame and success grew, Burger King was pressured by his overbearing parents to get married. He had no real desire to get married, but agreed to start scouting in order to appease his parents. He eventually settled upon a fucking chicken named Birdie The Early Bird. Yes, for some reason, the King wanted to marry a chicken. He mainly wanted to do this because Birdie hailed from Utica, and this meant that she had a very prestigious upbringing having attended Fordham University with one of McCluskey's sons. So, the King began courting Birdie, and eventually they started playing with Star Wars Lego outside the old dancing hall in Albany. However, that's when Birdie explained that she could not marry the King. "Well in Heaven's name why?" The King asked confused as Birdie responded with, "well the thing is... I'm kind of already betrothed to someone else." It was true. Birdie was already engaged to Ronald McDonald.
Even back in the 1960's, Ronald McDonald and the Burger King had always had an immense hatred for one another, and both their companies were constantly trying to best one another. The King did not understand what the big deal was, and initially thought that his company and McDonalds could co-exist, After all, Burger King had managed to make alliances with other fast food joints in the area, so why did McDonalds have to be any different? Oh! Ronald was a tight fisted hand at the grindstone. Always had been! He hated the King so much, that he even invited the King to his and Birdie's wedding just so that he could make the King jealous. Ronald though very short sighted was certainly not a stupid clown, and had sent his spies to find out about Burger King's recipes. However, the King was once again able to use his enemy's lack of intelligence to his advantage, and the two spies were hacked to death by street enforcers who owed their allegiance to the King of Kings. Realising that both companies were an even match, Ronald McDonald became heavily involved in the world of advertising, and introduced the world to his dumb but heart-warming adventures in McDonaldland.
The adverts featuring Ronald McDonald and company's adventures in McDonaldland made it so that McDonalds was on top of the fast world leaving Burger King behind in the dust. The King realised that he needed something... something that would help him stand out from the crowd. So, during the 1970's, the King began adding an incredibly weird array of items to his menu. It wouldn't be until the 80's that the King would start getting involved in the world of advertising. Some of these new additions to the menu included Crabby Sunday Roast, Lamb Hotpot, and Swamp Rat Stew. Now, because the King's supply was weakened during the 70's due to Farmer Francis going on a seven year break to Switzerland; it meant that he was forced to take drastic measures when it came to preparing these new delicacies. This is what caused the events of the Great Lamb Hotpot Fiasco of 74.
It all started when the King began selling Lamb Hotpot, and on paper it seemed a brilliant idea as the hotpot was released right around Christmas time which meant that people were extra chilly, and needed some warming up. The problem however was that as I said earlier, during the 1970's, the King's rations were at an all time low. He had began purchasing lamb from an old rundown warehouse in Berlin. The man who ran the warehouse was an old fart whose teeth were falling out one by one. He also smelt like an ass and had a serious case of being a fucking creep. He used to lick bathroom stalls in Egypt. This earned him the nickname of the Staller. I personally believe that Stall Licker would have been a far more appropriate nickname, but hey that's just me. As you might expect, the lamb that the Staller made in his warehouse was not very good. This was because most of the time, the lamb had already been imported seven times from Africa to Tuscany. So when the lamb finally back to the King it was incredibly rotten and slimy. The King however was starting to become desperate and against the advice of his employees started selling the rotten lamb to people.
The food poisoning caused by that rotten lamb was the worst case of food poisoning the world has ever seen. People would eat the hotpot, and would then end up shitting out their intestines. They would actually shit out their intestines all over the tiled floor. That's just sick! It was so fucking rotten that it would cause a huge gaping red hole to appear in your chest. The hotpot was so toxic that Russia had began taken samples of it from Burger King restaurants, and used it as a weapon during the Cold War. They would take the toxins and bacteria from the hotpots, and lace them into the American's food. This nearly caused Russia to win the war, and you have the Burger King to thank for that! The King tried his best to atone for this mistake, by offering compensation for all the people who were tainted with this disgusting diseased ridden meal. However, the King ended up losing $250,000,000. The damage was much that the King was nearly forced to close up shop. He knew that it would be stupid to close up shop and fire over a million workers, so he decided to keep things running. The Great Lamb Hotpot Fiasco had changed the King, and it was around this time that his intelligence came to an abrupt standstill. He was also losing his power over the company.
There were of course reasons for this. The main damning piece of evidence was the fact that the King had hired people who had much more skill in the field of business than he did. One of these people was German businessman Karl Strauss. Karl Strauss had been with the company since 58. He was just a fry cook back then, but was now effectively the King's right-hand man. Due to the Lamb Hotpot Fiasco, most of the King's staff had lost their faith in him, and so Karl became the one who made all the decisions. Prior to the Fiasco, Karl was just an advisor. He made suggestions here and there which normally fell on deaf ears. Suddenly, Karl had risen in power, and was now the guy to see when you wanted to make some changes. He was very rude to the King, and always shut him up whenever there was a big meeting, For example at one meeting, the King tried suggesting making a Burger King pizza burger, this caused Karl to shout, "ah shut the feck up ya wee dick!" He then pushed a red button his desk which caused the King to be thrown out the window by two robotic arms which had attached themselves to the King's chair. Karl then made the big announcement that the company was finally going to expand and become a worldwide company. Things were about to get juicer than a bottle of Iron Bru.
The company began expanding into Great Britain, and beyond. They had even expanded into Bazooka City a city which prior to this had never been touched by a fast food company. That's when Karl Strauss showed just how much an evil bastard he could be. He had been using turning kids into donkeys. Once they became donkeys, the kids were forced to smuggle burgers across the world. This was a much easier and cost effective solution than using planes to get the food across. I should probably give you some more deets. One chilly evening in February, Karl Strauss was having a pint of Guinness at the Lobster Inn with his old friend the Coachman. The Coachman was still trying his best to hide his embarrassing nickname of the little Buttery Man. He earned that nickname back in his home town because he stank of butter. He's trying to change the past, but I'm afraid he just can't outrun it. Anyways, the Coachman suggested using the kids into donkeys. For, the Coachman owned an amusement park just north of Minnesota which carried a terrible curse. Basically, centuries ago, King Triden was out boozing around in the area, and ended up shooting some magic into the water. The water surrounding the park then became the subject of a terrible curse, and the Coachman used this to his advantage.
The Coachman with the help of common street thugs tricked kids into going to the amusement park which he had dubbed, "Pleasure Island." While on the Island, the kids would of course drink the water and even the beer and cigars had been infected. These infected nourishments turned all the kids who had it into donkeys. The donkeys were then be sold off onto salt mines and circuses. Also, sometimes the curse wouldn't completely change them meaning that the donkeys would still be able to talk English. The Coachman would then use this defect donkeys as labour for his amusement park. "You boys have had your fun now pay for it!" The Coachman would cackle evilly as he forced his gorilla henchmen to throw the donkeys into crates which stank like gone off mint sauce and runny eggs. Runny eggs are eggs which run ha ha get it? GET IT? Now, Strauss was more than happy to accept the Coachman's offer after the Coachman showed Karl just how much money he could earn from this new business venture. However, he did have one small query about this venture. He wanted to know what the police would say if they found out. should the donkeys somehow manage to escape the Island "But the law... suppose they?" "Oh don't worry about that me old chum... for they never come back as.... BOYS!" The Coachman then proceeded to pull the scariest face you'd ever see. It was so scary that it caused the barman to drop his pork pies onto the ground. So sad. This was all the convincing that Karl Strauss needed in order to go through with his deal with the Coachman.
Karl Strauss still feeling a tad unsure about this alliance was invited to Pleasure Island by the Coachman in order to see the curse in action. Oh, the curse worked a treat, and by the end of that long party filled day, all the snot nosed little ratbags had turned into donkeys. "And what's your name?" The Coachman had asked one of the donkeys. He did this in order to make sure that none of them could still talk, and sure enough this one could. "My name is Alexander, and I miss my Mama!" The little donkey cried at the top of his lungs, as the Coachman pulled out a switch blade and yelled, "shut up ya wee little cocksucker or I'll cut you into pieces." He was truly an unholy demon that Coachman. Thankfully, Karl and the Coachman were eventually busted after the police were informed about the Island by a mouse with a severe nose injury. Karl was given life behind bars while the Coachman was able to escape justice due to Judge Mudge being on his payroll for big money. The Coachman went on the run to Chicago where he founded a restaurant with his old friend Sheldon J Plankton. You see; it's all coming together!
The news of the donkeys brought shockwaves across the nation. It was so shocking that it came as a surprise to no one when the Easily Offended Knights of Nottingham got involved. One of the Knights named Peter Jacobs who also worked as a news reporter began telling the people about the donkeys in order to catch their outage on camera. Jacobs and the Knights intended for this information to put people off from buying stuff from Burger King. The Knights had always had it out for Burger King, this was because they too were infected by the dreaded Lamb Pot all those moons ago. Even longer now than it seems. So sad. Every day, Jacobs hung around his local Lidels, and forced people to listen to his plight.
However, Jacobs was not entirely loyal to the Knight's cause as he was actually trying to muscle his way into the chocolate trade. One time, he offered a dodgy looking scarecrow a dime bar. "Would you mind trying one?" Jacobs asked as he shoved the bar into the scarecrow's mouth. "Did you like the surprising combination of crisp caramel stuff and delicious milk chocolate: smooth on the outside crunchy on the inside?" Jacobs asked while pouring some chocolate and caramel onto the shop floor. "Nope." The scarecrow said rather nonchalantly as Jacobs groaned heavily. "I likes armadillos!" The scarecrow proclaimed happliy as he brought a barrel from his ass, and he dropped the contents onto the floor revealing it have been filed to the prim with premium armadillos which he had gotten from a shop up in Greenland. "Smooth on the inside crunchy on the outside! Armadillos!" The scarecrow proclaimed happliy as Jacobs then asked in a blunt tone, "you're a bit thick really aren't you?" The scarecrow then nodded happliy knowing that he and Jacobs had finally reached some common ground.
Even though, the King had no involvement in the deals between Strauss and the Coachman, he was the one who suffered the bulk of the complaints. The Knights brought the King to the court, and sued him $50,000 and that was just interest as they then sued him for a further 2 mill. The King was beginning to lose his mind as he was now watched day in and day out by the police and federal agents. He was now listed as one of the most powerful criminals in the world. What had the King ever done to deserve this? He didn't know in all honesty. I mean yeah sure he had always cut corners, but in retrospect, even with that in mind, did he really deserve all this shit? I think not! So the 1980's had finally come, and this meant the King was finally expanding into the world of advertising. With Karl Strauss gone, this meant that the King had complete freewill over how he shot his adverts.
The first advert featuring the King had him breaking into some kid's birthday party, and forcing them to eat burgers from Burger King. The advert received backlash due to the fact that the King had not used the front door, and had came into the garden using the side gate. People of the front door community immediately began filling the newspapers with stories of how horrible the King was. It was because of this, that the King very rarely if ever actually appeared in his own commercials. He usually hired some 'well known' actors to star in the commercials, and I put the word well known in quotations because most of the time they were just dodgy looking ITV extras who nobody bloody knows. I mean I know them, but the question is do you? The problem was unlike McDonalds, Burger King did have their own set of characters. They didn't have a Burger King Land, however in the 1990's, they tried to do this by adding the Burger King Kids Club.
The Burger King Kids Club were a bunch of really annoying brat children who were hired by the King to make his company appeal more to the masses. However, the Kids weren't very good at this, and were actually very bias and critical about the people they recruited for their club. They claimed that their club was open for anyone, but I know at least 2 T-Rex over on Benning who were never allowed to join the club. T-Rex were hated by the Club because they were very racist towards dinosaurs for reasons I don't know. Like seriously, I've turned every stone twice, and I still can't find an inkling as to why the Club feels so strongly against the dinosaurs. I guess they never watched Dinosaurs as a kid eh? Thankfully, the adverts featuring the Burger King Kids Club didn't last very long at all, and it all came to a abrupt end when the Kids were mauled to death by a grizzly bear. Once again I guess I should explain somethings.
Due to a recent influx of robberies combined with the fear of Ronald McDonald and another fast food company sending a mole into his organization, the King had began employing a family of bears to guard all of his restaurants. The bears were incredibly aggressive, and the King was the only person on this world who could control them. Though he disliked and feared the bears, the King knew that their fearsome reputation which strike fear into the hearts of all Burger King's enemies. During the 1990's, the King had introduced a curfew which stated that customers needed to be out of the restaurant by 23.30. Well on Saturdays it was midnight, but whatever this story isn't about Saturday. I mean how could you make a story all about a day? That would be fucking stupid! The curfew was followed loyally for the most part, until one night some dodgy looking teenage hoods decided to stay at the restaurant after closing. The Burger King Kids Club were also there due to them wanting to clean the dishes in order to impress the King. Not really sure how that would impress him, but whatever just roll with it, Lower your suspension of disbelief and then you can go on forever.
Upon noticing the teenage hoods, the Kids tried to sneak up on them. However, that's when the bear family came in after just attended a seminar up at Chester University. Upon noticing the bears, the hoods carried out in terror, and were able to get out of the restaurant just in time. Once outside, one of the hoods placed a chair in front of the front door in order to prevent the bears from getting out onto the streets. I don't think that would be enough to hold back three incredibly powerful and pissed off bears, but whatever who am I to judge eh? "We are the Burger King Kids Club and we are here to defeat...…" The Club was cut off when they saw the scary bears glaring them down at them with their teeth and claws sharp as knives ready to cut their flesh. The Kids ran towards the front door, but of course it wouldn't open due to the chair in front of it. The bears leaped on top of them, and they were torn to shreds. Oddly, the lose of his loyal mascots did not seem to affect the King that much. He did admit in an interview years later the loss still bothers him to this day, well at least what he claims anyway. I bet that he actually paid the teenage hoods to set up the Burger King Kids Club for assassination. He had always had something of a jealously streak towards the Club.
The 1990's were finally over, and the King had finally began appearing in adverts again. He starred in a commercial with Samuel L Jackson. However, the final product was eventually scrapped and Samuel was replaced with an ITV extra after he had a falling out with the King. In the advert, Samuel L Jackson and the King were playing basketball in a smelly gym, however Jackson becomes distracted by a huge tray of food placed onto the bleachers. He ran over to the bleachers, and picked one of the whoppers up with his mighty Samuel L Jackson hands and bit into it. His face became red with fury as he yelled, "enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking whoppers in this motherfucking adverts!" He then proceeded to throw the half eaten whopper at the King's face who responded to this by sinking to the floor and sobbing heavily into his knees. This was certainly not the King of the 1950's and 60's. He was nothing more than a shameless sell out now. However, all was not lost as the 2000's brought about one of the most shocking betrayals in our lifetime. So shocking that it's honestly a wonder that Watchmojo didn't include it on their top 10 anime betrayals list. Get your tissues out people cause this is going to be a sad one I assure you!
Ronald McDonald the head of McDonalds and Burger King's arch nemesis, had began conspiring with the enemy. Ronald had began buying the Big King from Burger King which was their biggest burger at the time anyway. Now initially, Ronald bought the burger in order to find out the recipe, but he decided to tempt fate by eating it. Oh man the flavour! Ole Ronald had never tasted anything quite like it in all his life. Every Tuesday evening, Ronald paid a visit to his local Burger King, and bought a Big King. He was very careful, and always wore an incredibly large and bulky overcoat and hat which helped to conceal his identity. Why didn't Ronald just the drive thru? Well it's because Ronald was banned from ever driving a car again due to an incident in Owl Creek. An incident in which boys became men and girls became women. An incident that I myself shall never ever forget. Once he got outside the restaurant, Ronald became something of an animal, and mauled into the burger like the bears did to the Burger King Kids Club. So sad. The King was wary of Ronald's betrayal, and felt confident that he finally had the upper-hand in the fast food war which wasn't really much of a war to begin with. Let's face it people.
The King had began increasing the price of the items on the menu. This came as a big shock for many people, and it was widely believed that the King was only doing this in order to make the money back which he had lost from his two lawsuits. He however denied these allegations time after time. Oh if you fall I will catch you! Time after time! The pricing became so bad that some people stopped going to Burger King all together. Now because he was making much money than before, the King was getting extorted by his staff for more dough. You see; the King lived in a massive castle which formally belonged to Willie The Giant, and he had about 150 waiters all waiting to serve his every command. However one morning, the King woke up early for some reason and at the bottom of his bed stood all of his employees including his gardener, his plumber, his cooks, his waiters, and even the bear family from earlier. They demanded a pay rise, however the King was able to buy them off by shoving burgers into their mouths while really cheesy music played in the background. The King was getting more and more desperate to get some more customers. He had even gone as far as to start breaking into people's homes.
Local factory worker Andrew Burning slept in his Californian bedroom when he felt something brush up against his back. He turned around to see none other than the Burger King himself. The King had indeed hoped into bed with Burning. The King then pulled out a small breakfast sandwich, and forced Burning to eat it. After eating the somewhat disgusting sandwich, Burning and the King spent the remainder of the morning telling each other jokes about their time in the academy. The King had no idea that he and Burning had been in the same class as kids, and was delighted when he found out. Sadly, their reunion became very awkward after Burning and the King accidentally held each other's hands. It was very brief, but much like a high school diploma it had a knock on effect. The King then awkwardly excused himself from the bedroom, and ordered a hit on Burning. According to my sources, the hit was carried out by Jack Box, and took place at 4'o clock in the morning at Burning's home. This wasn't the last time that the King broke into someone's house.
Jason Teal an aspiring real estate novelist having been a protégé under Toad John for many years was asked by his wife Jessica to make some cups of coffee. After making the coffee, Teal headed inside his office to begin working on his big novel, but before opening up his computer he decided to first open up the blinds. Big mistake! As he soon as he did that, he came to face with face with none other than the Burger King himself. The King's sinister and seemingly never ending smile stretched from ear to ear as he handed Teal a burger. Jason ate it, and though he seemed to be impressed by the taste he ended up puking it out over his expensive new throw rug. The King responded to this by grabbing Teal by his shirt collar, and then pulling him outside the bedroom window. Now outside in the front garden, Teal was beaten to a pulp by the King. He would have killed Teal if wasn't for Jessica protesting against it. The King's moral dilemma was that he couldn't kill a woman or a tram driver. He allowed for Teal to live, and disappeared back into the shadows before Teal had a chance to ring the authorities.
It was around this time that the King earned his trademark but still terrifying smile. Now to contrary to what many people believe, the smile was not one of happiness, no it was a smile of complete shock. You see; the King had earned the smile after accidentally seeing the bear family eating from McDonalds. He was told by his staff that the bears were traitors, and they must be silenced before sundown. The King reluctantly complied, and he threw the bears into the furnace. Oh! Sorry I appear to have gotten the wrong paper, that's not the reason why the King earned his smile. No the real reason is because the King saw Hamm Da Pig taking a shit in a trash can in a gulley just north of Al's Toy Barn. After taking the shit, Hamm looked at the King with an incredibly smug face. He pulled a face which said, "oh I see what you did there you cheeky little chocolate digestive biscuit!" The King has never quite been able to get the image of Hamm shitting in the trash can out of his head. He should probably stay away from Richard Bagg then.
Now following the incidents with Teal and Burning, the King continued to stalk people. No matter where you went, the King would always find you. He had even began hanging out in the old subway tunnels, and would force people to dance for him in order to earn a burger. He lost any moral code, and became extremely reckless owing to all the hardships he had faced in the past five something decades. One time, the King without wearing any safety gear climbed on top of an old construction site, and gave one of the workers a much needed cup of Joe. After drinking the Joe, the worker and the King began dancing on the roof of the site. The King then pulled a practical joke on the worker by pretending to push him off the side. The worker laughed at this but then ended up slipping on a conveniently placed banana peel, and he fell to his death. The King held his head in his hands as he cried, "there goes all that I have loved!"
One of the main factors behind the King's lose of character and good judgement, was the fact that Burger King simply wasn't his anymore. The company had been bought in 2002 by Mr Parks. Parks had forced the restaurant to start selling fruit and carrot sticks. He had a lot of friends who were fricking rabbits and they supplied Parks with bags upon bags of carrot sticks. Carrot sticks? Carrot sticks!? Carrot sticks are you fucking kidding me!? No one eats fucking carrot sticks these days! Like seriously people, name one person that you know who eats carrot sticks. Yeah it's hard isn't it? The rabbits were also the ones who supplied Mr Parks with apples. One thing that Mr Parks did have over Karl Strauss was the fact that he actually permitted the King to make suggestions, and also allowed for the King to feature in all of the company's advertising. However, the King ended up ruining this agreement when he suggested making chicken nugget rats. The idea was to mix rats and chickens in the chicken nugget formula. However, Mr Parks believed this to be a clear sign of the King losing the plot.
After presenting the chicken nugget rat idea, Mr Parks rose from his chair as he asked rhetorically, "you're getting chased out of town by McDonalds and Wendy's, and yet you have the audacity to ask me to authorise such a foolish idea?" The King didn't respond. Mr Parks walked around the large apple shaped office as he said, "you do have any idea the kind of Capital that this company has invested in you King? With few too many of your absent minded ideas actually turning a profit." "I'm also considering selling a line of jams." The King said awkwardly which caused Mr Parks to squeeze an apple causing it to break into a million tiny bite size pieces. Mr Parks then sat back down at his desk as he said, "look the point is King there are a lot of new fast food companies out there. Younger than you hungrier than you.... younger than you. Like that young fellow Benjamin Shulane. He's got the best selling fast food joint in Brooklyn!" The King pulled an incredibly sinister face as he realised he needed to do something which would helpfully prove his worth to Mr Parks and his stuck up friends.
One Sunday evening after hours, the King broke into McDonalds' factory in Greentown, and stole the recipes for their and improved breakfast burger. An idea which the company had actually admitted to having stolen right from under Burger King's nose. Metaphorically speaking obviously because if it was real that would be gross. Unbeknownst to the King, he ended up getting spotted by one of his employees who never liked the King, and they immediately leaked the King's heist over to Mr Parks. The following day, the King was forced to explain the reason behind the heist to Mr Parks. Now, he did try to argue ethical reasons saying that the company could seriously do with the upstart, but Mr Parks was not convinced. No Siree he absolutely positively most assuredly was not! Mr Parks then explained that he would be letting the King go, and that a new team of hipsters were being brought in to serve as the new mascots for Burger King. "Just give me another chance Parky!" The King begged as he sank to his knees in despair. "It's over King!" Mr Parks explained as he then proceeded to squeeze another apple in contempt. Suddenly, the hipsters who were coming to replace the King then came dancing in. "Whoa that guy's huge!" One of the female workers proclaimed at the very top of her lungs after gazing at the sheer size of Mr Parks. He was indeed a big fat fucking roast potato of a man that Mr Parks was.
Fired from Burger King, the King rented a room at an old boarding house near Bazooka City. The King was disgraced, but in a curious sense, felt the happiest that he had done in years. He no longer needed to please some ass wipe executives who didn't give two figs about the King. He finally began living the life he always wanted. Meanwhile, Burger King without the appeal of the King in their adverts had lost a great deal of respect in the fast food world. Even Jack Box lost respect for them, and that's saying a lot especially when it comes to him! I mean did you even read this morning's paper? No? Well that's good cause neither did I! The hipsters were really dumb, and made very threatening adverts which basically said that if you didn't buy a whopper you would be thrown out of the building. Now that's just nasty! I mean sometimes people just want a plain cheese burger with no hassle. So much hassle isn't there Mr Cassle? Also, Mr Parks got what was coming to him in the end as the hipsters kept spying on him. "Alright Mr Parks!" The hipsters would proclaim happily as they tried their best to get Mr Parks to notice them! Meanwhile, the King retired to Gran Canaria and as I'm writing this is currently sitting on a beach drinking one of those fruity drinks with the little umbrella inside of em.
And so there you have it, looks like justice is blind. Cue the saucy music. So anyways, that's the story behind the downfall of Burger King. The King was once an idealist, but as the years went on he was forced to abandon his ideals. See; I think the problem was... is that the King wasn't ready to accept the world for what it was. He wanted to be a somebody, but he was held back in life by corrupt sons of Magra like Karl Strauss and Mr Parks. Perhaps if he had played his cards a bit more carefully and remained an excellent judge of character, the entire thing could have been avoided, and the King would still be appearing in adverts for Burger King to this very day. However, after I finish recounting this tale, I begin to wonder if any other fast food joints have suffered the same fate as Burger King. It is possible after all we do live in a world of fools who are breaking us down, when in reality they should just let us be. I got to go now dear for my wife has gotten home from the store. It's time for me tea. I think I'm going to help myself to a whopper, and maybe just maybe a cheeky little side of chicken french fries!