You see, the original story line for Season 3 was supposed to be a bit more chaotic and mature-themed in comparison to the childish first two seasons; yet was rejected due to it ruining the continuity of an already ruined series [long breathe] and I should've just end it here. But no, Disney TV executives, voice actors Eden Sher and Adam McArthur, and creator Daron Nefcy felt unnerved once we were asked to screen the upcoming episode. This was following after "Booth Buddies," but the title was never revealed. So what was my mission? Well, Daron and company asked if I could screen it on my own to double check this episode before its initial (albeit unspecified) airdate. So I went to the screening room, grabbed a notebook and pencil, a Nintendo Switch (just in case the episode bores me I could just play a little Smash Bros. Ultimate - or maybe a remastered Wario Ware straight outta my Virtual Boy), and some food (consisting of a 7-11 Slurpee, a Voltage flavored Mountain Dew, steamed hams over at Wendy's, and three 99-cent tamale/nacho-crusted cheese tacos from Taco Bell. I'm actually Guy Fieri - no I'm not); and so I prepared myself and the episode played.
The intro played normally as I got a huge erection from the song's glorious jammin' ol' lyrics:
IT'S GONNA GET A LITTLE WEIRD.
IT'S GONNA GET A LITTLE WILD.
I'M NOT AROUND HERE.
I'M FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION.
However, something seemed off. All the characters in the series that were used in this intro looked rather disappointed; especially Star who stared down in her knees in utter dismay. There's also Marco looking like a member of an illegal Mexican drug cartel, Toffee looking like a Fox News anchor (funny cause viewing this back in July 2017; Disney didn't even buy 20th Century Fox until a couple years later), and Jackie wearing a cane, top hat, suit, bow tie, a monocle, and appearing to have wooden teeth. What makes it more insulting is that the star in Star's wand was actually Daron Nefcy's head smiling sinisterly as if the show she was making was just a flat out scam towards the viewers. I thought nothing of it, all I wanted to do is to watch this fine and enjoyable program.The episode sets in Mewni, but during an overhead view of the castle; we see Star using her wand to turn her chair into something white and chalk-like, and takes her straw to-- ...but wait--she's snorting cocaine?!! How could there be references to drug use in a kid's television program?! It doesn't help that the animation changes every single shot. At one point it looks like the current animation done with Rough Draft Korea; then turned into a Toon City episode from season 1B, then to Mercury Filmworks from the earlier episodes; all in four different shots. Doesn't help that the animation this time around looked a lot cheaper as if it was outsourced from a more worn-down animation studio. Only this time Star looked like a Seth MacFarlane character done in MS Paint. To add insult to injury there was even some kind of cutaway gag she made in which she sang "Can't Stop Partying" by Weezer featuring duet by Eclipsa. The episode cuts back as Marco comes in but sounding awfully angry and depressed sounding (unusual to have Marco break character), plus it sounded like actor Adam McArthur trying to voice an older, much sadder version of the character; as if Adam sounded insecure about himself during production. "Star, we need to save Mewni!" Star responds, "Who are you anyway?" Wait what?! I didn't even seen the show but Star knew Marco from the beginning of the series; so how can Star forget so quickly. That's out of character for her!
I mean as wonky as this episode is especially with its inconsistent animation errors, the episode started out fine until the scene with Toffee. He is the lizard a size of a human (and the main villain of the series); but here he appeared 300 ft. tall like Godzilla, and also had a Hitler mustache! The citizens of Mewni were alerted and they try to run as fast as possible, but both King and Queen Butterfly were both seen outside being crushed by Toffee's foot in the most hyper-realistic way possible; we seen realistically animated blood and gore and other series of realistic grisly images. I mean I wouldn't blame people running away from this lizard. No wonder the animation studio changed this season (as well as the first few episodes)! Doesn't help that the animation now turned into a Ren & Stimpy-style animation as if Daron Nefcy's drawings were changed into John Kricfalusi's and when Marco and Star begin to panic the background suddenly turned psychedelic. Even Star looked like Ren Hoek trying to slap the shit out of Marco like how Ren does in that show. Star grabs her wand to destroy Toffee but ends up being zapped in the process. She was zapped with photo-realistic blood and gore coming from the princess Star; we can see human skeletons drawn in the process! Doesn't help that there was some audio glitch during the making as we can hear Daron Nefcy snickering in the background as if she wants to destroy her creation; as well as her fanbase... fuck this show.
The scene cuts to Star lying in a hospital bed; as we also see Marco, Tom, Eclipsa, Jackie, Ponyhead, Ludo, Janna, Brittany, Alfonzo, Ferguson, Heckapoo, Meteora, Andrea, Starfan13, and Hope in the same hospital setting... but something seemed off. The animation looked more unfinished, and--it looked cheap, I can tell you that. And when the characters speak, their lips don't match of what they say. Hell, the lip-syncing is just as shitty as the cutscenes straight out of a few early PS1 Tomb Raider games. Daron Nefcy doesn't know anything about animation, I swear! She's probably the same person who claims that Earth is a round planet. Heh, this studio is full of idiots! The people in the hospital were seen crying, as Marco wanted to say his finally goodbye to Star; until she herself had something to say which gave me a frozen headache, "You see... earth was never a pretty place and neither was Mewni. Nothing is safe; not in this entire universe. There is something you need to know -- if people say God is good; if people believe in God; how come he created something that can destroy everything? How come people die everyday; get killed, murdered in wars, bombing, mass shootings, terrorist acts, and natural weather disasters? How could people do maniacal things to each other; spit in each other's faces as if there is no problem whatsoever?" The camera suddenly zooms to Star's face -- it zooms deeper and deeper in the most uncomfortable way possible; I can see a realistically detailed version of Star's face. "Little Marco, how about we dispel this notion once and for all and guess where I'm going. Choose and guess which one before I quickly die in a few seconds. There are two places we all know -- heaven and hell. I'll give you one hint, it's the one place I am going; and I would frankly rather go." What made it more horrifying than her face drawn in so much detail looking like a realistic human face -- well, while speaking her mouth was changed to synchro-vox, just someone filming her mouth moving green screened in a cartoon face; similar to the opening theme song to SpongeBob.
I tried to enjoy my food during -- all of this bullshit happening. But then something bewildering and chaotic happened and it shed a Popsicle flavored tear in my eye. Star passed away and the characters were sobbing. The voices sounded a lot more true than any improve throughout the series. The clumsy animation involved Star morphing into a CG-rendered skeleton; but poorly rendered in 3ds Studio Max as if this was taken directly from some random animator's college portfolio/demo reel (in other words someone who just knew how to use 3D animation techniques yet doesn't know how to properly animate). The shitty-rendered animated skeleton disappeared. A moment of silence occurred as the gang took their bow before they began to sob one last time. Jackie broke down her tearful, sexual nut. It was the most depressing nut in a kids cartoon show, and I can't believe it was in a kids show and not a porno. The scene cuts to Marco and friends sobbing; plus Eclipsa, Heckapoo, and Jackie appearing to have top hats, bow ties, canes, wooden teeth, and each of them happen to have peanut-butter sandwiches with googly-eyes. To make matters worse -- the animation drastically changed to some 8-year-old doodling made in Math class in Crimson Red Crayola washable markers as I see throughout the entire mess of a mess of this scene all blood with Star's tombstone that features a horribly copy-and-pasted wand with a Star of David and the subtitles hastily written in stencils, "Here lies the Mewni princess. She was from another dimension." Though in a matter of seconds, black bars blocked the words with text written in Yiddish Hebrew language but yet somewhat poorly translated in German--both at once.
The scene cuts to her floating in outer space on her way to heaven; until she was directly pulled straight to the gates of hell! Circular fiery layers were drawn more realistically; Star screamed her lungs out, and it sounded like Eden Sher actually screaming in her violent, grisly terror tracks thinking there was something truly horrifying was happening! What the fuck was wrong with this episode?!? What is this!??! I spat out one of my Taco Bell enchilada shell tacos just watching this scene unfold! The screaming got louder and louder to the point where loud static noises started buzzing as my ears bled. Sadly, the worst has yet to come, because this-- what I've just witnessed-- wasn't the worst part of this episode.Star appeared in Hell as Satan approaches her. He had a growling banshee scream accompanied by his demonized laugh both sounded even louder than I thought; I'm surprised it's not just dogs that are scared of this! To add insult to injury-- and dear god, people will not believe me this-- his bloody crimson red pitchfork morphed into an early-90s boombox radio; and Satan just turned into a Soundcloud rapper version of himself and as a shitty trap beat starts to play -- and trust me, I don't know what Daron Nefcy was thinking when she made this episode -- it ended up being a rap battle between Satan and Star. Funny, you think Lucifer himself would play a mean ass fiddle down to Georgia. You may think he is a great subject for death metal, black metal, and grindcore. But now he's gonna do some epic mumble rapping battle with a shitty trap beat playing as he dresses up as a Soundcloud trap-beat rapper?! I mean it's cool that he's getting hip with the times, I guess.
Satan starts his first rap verse...
"YO YO, MY NAME'S SATAN AND I'M HERE TO TELL Y'ALL
MY RAPPING AND RHYMING IS HIGH CALIBER MILLION DOLLA BILLS Y'ALL
STAR YOU'RE AS FUCKIN' TRASH AS A SHITTY BODY PILLOW
YOUR FANBASE A-FUCKED; YOUR CHARACTER IS GHETTO"
Woah hol' up -- cursing in a kid's cartoon show!? Lucky I was in a production test screening and not a Christian Discord server or else I would ban the "frick" out of this episode. Dicks! Also, nice of Daron to shatter the fourth wall talking about the fanbase and its character shipping. But what the hell is this; is this how she visions rap battles? Did Nefcy herself see a rap battle in real life? Pfft.
Star Butterfly was next to rap...
"HEY RED SMELLY DICK, YO' DUMBASS SHIT I AIN'T IN THA MOOD
I RHYME POETRY LIKE A FANCY STEAK RESTAURANT; YOU'S LIKE SHITTY FAST FOOD
I'M THA MUTHAFUCKIN' CRUSHIN' CUCK QUEEN OF MEWNI
AND I'LL WHOOP YER ASS LIKE MOON BUTTERFLY'S SPAGHETTI"
The rhyming and rhythm techniques from either two are terrible. This was the idea of a rap battle or a trap-style mumble rap?! To make the scene worse than its shitty rap battle, Satan's minions appeared in the background watching the rap battle; but these aforementioned demon-filled minions were actually real-life dead rappers--Eazy-E, Biggie Smalls, Tupac, Nate Dogg, Run-DMC, Avicii, Ol' Dirty Bastard, DeShaun Dupree, Mobb Deep, and XXXTentaction. ...keep in mind I was screened back in 2017 before Avicii and XXX's death the next year respectively.
Satan was next to rap with yet another shitty rhyme! What a shocker am I right? He rapped the following...
"YOU AIN'T DANK NO MORE, YOU AIN'T DOWN NO MORE
YOU AIN'T A QUEEN, BUT MORE A CUCKOLD DUMPED UP ATTENTION WHORE
THE ONLY SPELL YA ASS CASTS WITH YO' WAND IS A SHIT-TIER QUALITY SPELL
YOU'S SHITTIER THAN AN ENCHILADA/NACHO SHELL TACO FROM TACO BELL"
Wait, how does he know about my tacos?! Not to mention I can hear sounds of banshee-growl cheering from the dead rappers.
Star was next...
"YO BETTER WATCH YO FUCK-SELF; YO MUMBLE IS SHIT LIKE YER TRASH WAIFU
YA CAN'T PLAY A FIDDLE NO' MORE; YA CAN'T EVEN TRAIN SOME KUNG-FU
SO GET THE DAMN OUTTA HERE YA SELF-CENTERED SOUNDCLOUD SATANIST
THIS TRAP BEAT'S A FAGGOT, AND YOU'S A HARVEY WEINSTEIN-GUZZLED RAPIST"
But sweet baby damn, I rushed out of the screening room, I grabbed the DVD once I sneaked into the projection room, and I stormed straight to Daron Nefcy's office; demanding the meaning of this trainwreck! I slammed the DVD to her desk and I asked with my shouting voice, "What the fuck is this bullshit?!" Her chair swiveled around revealing-- well... it's hard to even explain-- she turned around with her evil grin staring at my soul... and she uses her plastic wand (used for promotions of the show) to turn me into Toffee. I honest to god thought that her wand was plastic and fake -- but it turns out that it's a style of witchcraft that ended up ruining my life forever. I ended up being Toffee, Eden Sher was in a costume as Star, and Adam McArthur was in a costume as Marco Diaz. But all of this was real-- this was no cartoon anymore! Daron exclaims, "Okie dokie guys! Let's start shooting this new series!" To add insult to injury she used her same wand to turn that Star vs. screener DVD into a Family Guy DVD. I panicked! I had to rush out... but things seemed off. Everything is an animated form, albeit inconsistently animated. Every season to this point of Star vs. were filmed on location. They were not drawn. Daron Nefcy has been lying to you; especially the fanbase; this whole entire time. I was one of many reasons why I was shipped with another character.
The moral of the story is to not trust talented creators. They will take you for granted. Mommy and daddy please forgive me for working my college intern at a so-called animation studio. I'm typing this all out before I attempt to commit suicide. Goodbye cruel world. Goodbye... forever.
[hangs himself] aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghh.THE END.