Star Wars: Episode Ü
Let me start this off by stating what's about to become obvious.
I'm a massive fan of Star Wars.
The original trilogy, the prequels, even the sequels. I've watched every Star Wars TV show and played through all the games, minus maybe one or two. Now, I won't go on some fan-boyish tangent about how Star Wars is my life or anything, but I love the franchise.
I used to think that they couldn't even MAKE a Star Wars Movie I wouldn't like.
I was wrong.
Now listen, I'm not made of money. I had enough cash to go see Episode 9, The Rise of Skywalker, once in the theatre. Now, I thought the movie was pretty good and I wanted to see it again, but, well like I said- not made of money, yanno?
Well, I'm not proud of it, but I looked the movie up on one of those streaming websites, 1 2 3movies.com or whatever. I found it, albeit in pretty shitty camera quality, but eh, beggars can't be choosers, I guess.
That's not what caught my attention, though.
Next to Episode 9, there was.....another Star Wars Movie. The release date said 2020, which didn't make any sense, considering it was still December 2019.
Weirder than that, however, was the title of the film.
Star Wars: Episode Ü.
That was it. No additional name or anything.
I had to know what this was. I started it up and pressed play.
The traditional opening text played.
"A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...."
Then the Star Wars Logo appeared to what sounded like a fucking nuclear bomb exploding and someone screaming "HOLY SHIT!" in place of the traditional theme music.
The video quality suddenly switched to the shittiest cam rip I had ever seen.
It looked like someone had sprayed fucking water all over the camera lens, and the opening credits were in fucking Russian, despite the website saying it was an English version.
Then, a loud fuckin' fart was heard as the video panned down from space into some guy's bathroom as he was taking a shit. It was some normal-ass bathroom, on Earth, in a fuckin' Star Wars Movie.
The guy finally flushed his shit-nado down the toilet.
Suddenly, fucking grey hands started reaching out of the toilet and trying to pull the man in as Emperor Palpatine's theme music began to play so FUCKING LOUD that someone called the fucking cops for a noise disturbance.
The fucking Emperor began to rise out of the toilet as he tried to yank the guy in, laughing hysterically and shooting fucking force lightning everywhere, tearing up the walls and shorting out the power.
"THE SITH STILL BREATHE!" Palpatine SCREAMED, as the fucking cops started knocking on my door.
The guy started screaming as Palpatine repeatedly tried to pull him down the toilet, before eventually getting yanked in entirely as Palpatine crawled all the way out.
Then the police kicked my fucking door down.
I explained to the cops what happened, fixed up the door best as I could, and went back to watching.
We suddenly see what was supposed to be a flashback to the prequels of Anakin viewing a holocron or something, but instead, he sat down at a fucking Windows PC and opened some shitty Windows Movie Maker file named "THE TRUTH ABOUT OBI-WAN".
The video was literally just a slowly rotating picture of a fucking piece of paper that said "the sith still breathe" as Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata played in the background.
This caused Anakin to start fucking foaming at the mouth and vomiting as DRAMATIC fucking rock music played before he whipped a red sith lightsaber out of fucking NOWHERE and sliced the computer in half to some shitty heavy metal guitar riff. Anakin SCREAMED like a fucking banshee and kicked the computer into the distance, causing the fucking Wii Sports "HOME RUN!" screen to appear.
The screen cut to black as Palpatine could be heard saying "It was the rise of Darth Vader..."
What the fuck? I couldn't believe Disney would allow this to ever be made.
We suddenly see Darth Maul walking into a fucking Bed, Bath and Beyond™ and asking the guy at the cash register
"Do you accept Galactic Credits?"
The cashier said "Look buddy, we only accept cash or credit."
"GALACTIC credit?" Maul replied.
"No." The cashier said.
"But you said credit!" said Maul.
The cashier suddenly lost his SHIT.
"Look buddy, I don't know what fuckin' disorder you got, but this is America, MOTHA FUCKA. We don't take no fuckin' galactic-ass fuckin' credits! Now take that fuckin' devil costume off and get the HELL out of my store!"
Maul paused for a minute.
Suddenly, he started fucking ANNIHILATING the store with the force, throwing customers everywhere. He started force pushing displays and pulling down the walls as he screamed "THE SITH STILL BREATHE!" as lotion exploded everywhere.
Palpatine's fucking theme started playing again as Darth Vader and fucking Kit Fisto with red skin, glowing eyes and a fucking static smile on his face walked into the store and started destroying it further.
The footage cut out abruptly and an image of Barack Obama wearing Jedi Robes suddenly appeared accompanied by the text "The Chosen One."
Was this some kind of fucking political statement in a Star Wars movie? I guess they'd been doing that for a while now, but never so abrupt.
We then cut to Count Dooku in a fucking Chevy doing donuts in a Subway parking lot.
"OH YEAAAAAHHHHHHH!" he SCREAMED out of the window as he threw up gang signs and started whooping.
Suddenly, some kid threw a fucking phone book through his windshield and he flew out of control and crashed his car onto some nearby train tracks, right as the fucking train was coming through.
"THE SITH STILL BREATHE!" Dooku hollered as he picked up the entire train with the force and threw it into a fucking Dunkin Donuts.
I really wished the Sith would cease to breathe.
Why the fuck was so much of this movie filmed on Earth, anyway? I mean, I guess it actually WAS a novelty for Earth to appear in a Star Wars Film, but it was...weird.
We see General Greivous whipping his lightsabers around like a fucking spaz and playing Just Dance.
Suddenly, his eyes started fucking glowing.
The CGI at this part was fucking horrible. It looked like someone threw fucking plastic Grievous parts at the screen was he was supposed to explode.
We then cut to a freeze frame of Grevious in a black Hot Topic T-Shirt with fucking long emo hair and an xBox 360 controller in his hands sitting in a REALLY emo bedroom with like a thousand fucking posters on the walls and the text
"Get fuck out
am playing MCraft"
in some shitty gothic font.
"What the HELL?" I suddenly SCREAMED, causing my dog to leap off my bed in terror and smack into my nightstand, fucking collapsing it as Fido took a shit in mid-air.
We then see a fucking Red Yoda.
"Still breathe, the Sith do." he said before whipping out a fucking inhaler and ejecting a red saber blade from it.
First Baby Yoda, now Red Yoda? Disney really WAS losing their creativity.
The next part gave me nightmares for weeks.
We see R2-D2, but it was from behind. He was on a spaceship, but it was incredibly dark. He had ejected that little claw thing that he used to hold stuff, but I couldn't see what he was holding.
Then I realized.
It was a fucking mic.
Suddenly, the lights came on and R2 WHIPPED around with a fucking man's mouth and started fucking rapping, rocking side to side as he dropped the most INTENSE bars I had ever heard in what sounded like the voice of Tupac Shakur.
After a moment, I realized the beat was a fucking rap remix of the Imperial March.
R2 started sticking his fucking tounge out of the mouth and laughing before I threw my fucking computer into a wall.
To my horror, the film continued to play.
We see Vader trying to jam his lightsaber down a fucking sink garbage disposal.
"Ugh. Son of a BITCH!" Vader yelled as the lightsaber refused to go all the way down the drain.
Vader started fucking banging on the hilt with his fists to try and force it down, which was REALLY fucking loud. Dust started falling from the screen and the camera would shake each time he did this.
"Mother FUCKER!" he SCREAMED as he FINALLY smacked it all the way in.
I had never heard Vader curse before, and I never wanted to again.
We suddenly then see Rey on Tatooine fighting Palpatine.
"Why are you still alive, you old nutsack?" Finn yelled. I didn't even realize Finn was fucking there until he said this.
"THE SITH....STILL....BREATHE!" Palpatine screamed once more.
"And now they don't." Rey suddenly said before flipping into the air and chopping Palpatine's head off.
The Phantom Menace Credits Rolled.
I was in utter shock. This was how they ended Star Wars?
Well, I suppose no franchise is perfect.