DISCLAIMER: I don't own Siren Head. The character belongs to Trevor Henderson. The following story is simply a parody, and I make no claims to own anything involved.
Siren Head Ü.
Have you ever heard the legend of Siren Head?
One week a couple of years ago, a woman and her husband were on vacation in Canada. During the car ride to Toronto, they passed by a fairly old cemetery when the woman noticed something bizarre standing in the field. The couple was accosted by a bizarre monster as tall as a telephone pole, with a thin, bony figure and two sirens in place of an ordinary head. The megaphones on its head screeched to life as a distorted and doubled voice screamed random words at the couple.
"NINE. EIGHTEEN. ONE. CHILD. SEVENTEEN. REMOVE. VILE."
At this point, the creature began to move down the hill and toward the couple.
What happened next is unknown, but many speculate that it......wasn't pretty.
People have come to fear Siren Head. After all, the story IS frightening.
However, their understanding of Siren Head.....doesn't run as deep as mine.
You see, I actually went to the police to ask them about Siren Head. Yes, that's right, I walked into a police station and attempted to report Siren Head to the cops, as if they would even be able to do something about it.
They didn't exactly take me seriously.
The officer I spoke to just....laughed at me. He wouldn't stop FUCKING laughing. He just kept laughing and laughing and LAUGHING at me as his face turned into the human personification of the fucking laughing with tears emoji.
He then pulled out a water gun and fuckin' sprayed me with it. What the fuck? He was like a fucking baby.
"Pew pew!" the officer said.
Honestly, what the hell? Was he mentally ill or something?
Finally he began to speak between bursts of laughter.
"You wanna- HEE HEE HOO HOO- you wanna see some f-f-f-HOO HOO Footage? I've got your footage ri-HI HI HOOO- right here."
The officer opened some cabinet and pulled out a shitty dilapidated VHS tape with the words "Siren Head Ü" crappily written on in washable marker. The fuck did the weird letter U mean? WAS it a letter Ü or just someone drawing a fuckin' mocking smiley face?
Whatever. It didn't matter. I had to know more about Siren Head.
The officer was too busy trying to fill his water gun with spit to pay any more attention to me, so I just took the tape and left.
I could've sworn I faintly heard sirens in the distance that day.
Anyway, I took the tape home and played it.
What I saw was more horrifying than I could've possibly imagined.
We begin with the "COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD" screen from the early 2000s. This proceeded to show disturbing real-life footage of the Iraq War before cutting to approximately 6 seconds of a BIZARRE Toy Story Movie and some racist Aladdin sequel before finally showing the Siren Head footage.
I was amazed by what I saw. Someone had obtained footage of that couple's encounter with Siren Head! The woman must have been the one filming, because I saw her husband get out of the car as they approached Siren Head. Siren Head looked really disturbing to actually see. He was sharply out of place with the rest of the environment, and he was at least 20 feet tall.
"NINE. EIGHTEEN. ONE. CHILD. SEVENTEEN. REMOVE. VILE." screeched the siren as Siren Head drew closer.
But then, suddenly, Siren Head stopped in his tracks and began to fucking BLAST Trap Queen by Fetty Wap out of his speakers. He started dancing and doing the fuckin' stanky leg as the couple screamed.
"That song FUCKING sucks!" screamed the woman's husband at Siren Head.
Suddenly, the music stopped.
"Oh, nice, John. You pissed him off." said the woman sarcastically.
Siren Head then bent over, put his hands on his knees like a condescending parent, and began to speak in a deep, metallic voice.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY, FUCKLORD?"
Siren Head than bolted towards the man at 90 miles per FUCKIN' hour and ran right through him, causing the man to explode like a fucking tomato. Siren Head then picked up his wife and started slamming her repeatedly against the car like that scene in The Avengers where Hulk smacks Loki into the ground over and over again.
We then see Siren Head walking into the city as people scream. He heads towards a McDonald's.
"Yo!" Siren Head SCREAMED at the restaurant. Siren Head then flung a car out of the drive-through line, stuck his head in the service window, and proceeded to attempt to order a peanut butter and Taco Bell Baja blast sandwich, which sounded FUCKING disgusting.
Unfortunately for Siren Head, everyone just screamed, so he did not get his sandwich.
Siren Head then walked away from the drive-through window, ripped the big McDonald's sign off those big poles they always have, and threw the fuckin' thing straight into the restaurant like a fuckin' bowling ball.
The tape began to replay this footage from several different camera angles like it was a fucking strike in Wii Sports bowling as the Wii Sports theme began to play and the announcer said "NICE STRIKE!"
An orange +6 appeared on the screen, which was really fucked up considering that was how many people Siren Head just killed.
Siren Head then reached into the wreckage, pulled out the barely-breathing manager, and said "SHOULD'VE GIVEN ME MY SANDWICH, FUCKLORD!" before flicking the guy's head off with his massive finger the same way a person would flick a fucking insect off their arm.
The manager's head crashed through someone's apartment window to the sound of screams.
What the fuck was this all about? And why did Siren Head keep using the term "FUCKLORD"? Was that just like.....his "thing"?
Siren Head then began to walk down the street blasting Trap Queen by Fetty Wap again. People started running and screaming.
We then cut to footage from a police station, similar to the one I got this tape from.
The cops are trying to investigate a crime, when suddenly, every single police radio in the station began to play.......oh for fuck's sake.....Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.
Siren Head then came BARRELING towards the station playing "Fuck The Police" by N.W.A. out of his head as loud as possible before landing a shooting star backflipping elbow drop onto the police station, causing the roof to cave in. Siren Head then yanked a fuckin' telephone pole out of the ground and started playing guitar with it, causing horrible ear-splitting sounds to come out.
The ENTIRE fucking department's worth of cops came running towards Siren Head with weapons and shit, but they didn't do anything.
Siren Head then stole all the drugs from the police evidence vault and started inhaling them into his sirens. He then flipped off the cops with both hands and began backflipping into the air as he started blaring a fuckin' rap remix of "Kazoo" by Les Claypool.
We then see a Target. Y'know, as in the store.
Siren Head approached the Target and began to broadcast the drugs to everyone in the store.
Yes, that's right. He broadcasted drugs. He somehow used his fucking sirens to spread the fucking drugs to everyone in the fucking store. Literally everyone got high. Everyone. A fucking infant even got high and started pissing and shitting all over its parents and the store.
We then cut to the point-of-view of one of the people in the store. She starts suffering from EXTREME psychotic hallucinations as she hallucinates fucking Crayola crayons with little evil faces crawling out of their boxes and singing about how they're going to bomb a Pottery Barn.
She then hallucinates that the jack-o'-lanterns on a nearby shelf are all rapping in unison about ANTIFA and the BLM protests.
What the FUCK? Was this some kind of Cheech and Chong reference?
Suddenly, the Jack-O-Lanterns began singing...
NO. NO. NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN. ENOUGH. NO.
.......the Jack-O-Lanterns began singing Trap Queen by Fetty FUCKIN' Wap as Siren Head came BURSTING into the target throwing up gang signs.
Siren Head proceeded to try to fuck a shelf as he began to blast "I JUST HAD SEX" by Akon and the Lonely Island out of his speakers.
People began running and screaming as Siren Head's violent thrusting toppled the shelf and caused boxes of arts and crafts shit to explode everywhere.
Siren Head then began to blare fuckin' firetruck siren sounds OBNOXIOUSLY loud as he picked up a fire extinguisher and started spraying it and whirling it around, knocking like 20 people over.
We see some guy trying to take a shit in the bathroom, but Siren Head comes rising out of the toilet bowl and loudly says
Causing the guy to shit himself all over Siren Head.
"Aw, dude, what the FUCK do you eat?" Siren Head said as he ripped the fuckin' dude in half and flushed his remains down the toilet.
What in the FUCK was this shit? This wasn't like the Siren Head I knew at all. And how could he just....DO this shit in broad daylight without the news ever reporting on it?
This had to be fuckin' fake.
Siren Head then LEAPT into the air, smashed through the roof, dunked the Target sign through the parking lot like he was fuckin' LeBron, and dribbled that shit like a fuckin' basketball straight into an 18-wheeler full of Pepsi to the sound of "Circles" by Post Malone playing at an OBNOXIOUSLY high volume.
Siren Head then began to throw gang signs in the air and scream.
Honestly, this was starting to feel like an offensive stereotype. Siren Head liked hip-hop music, he hated the police, he played basketball, he stole from the store, he did heavy drugs, and he caused millions of dollars in property damage. Couple that with the fuckin' obtuse rap song about BLM, and I was REALLY starting to feel like this was making a strong racial statement.
We then see Siren Head running across the landing strip at some airport blaring what sounded like Dean Martin and Frank fuckin' Sinatra singing explicit music that they would've NEVER been allowed to release back in their day. Siren Head jumped onto the plane, hung off it like a fuckin' monkey (AGAIN with the fuckin' racist undertones) and ripped the entire bottom of the plane off, causing a bunch of jacked porn-star looking people to come falling out.
What the fuck was this tape trying to say?
The next scene was Siren Head BURSTING into the fucking SeaWorld Aquarium and using his sirens to scare the SHIT out of the fish. He then SMASHED his hand through the glass and started trying to eat a fucking shark alive, and I REALLY didn't want to see that shit.
I turned the tape off and went back to the police station so I could have this disgusting, vapid, white supremacist fucking piece of shit VHS destroyed with a fucking gun, but for some reason when I showed the cops the tape again, they told me it had never been in the police station's possession.
Well that was odd, so I tried to go find the weird cop that gave me the tape in the first place. I finally found him breakdancing by the water dispenser to a BIZARRE remix of.....
What the hell?
Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.
"HEY!" I SCREAMED. "WHERE DID THIS FUCKING TAPE COME FROM, AND WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT FUCKING SONG?"
The cop then proceeded to tell me that Fetty Wap was on his list of rappers he couldn't wait to arrest. He then proceeded to play me several songs from his "Rappers I can't wait to arrest" playlist and then left.
"Hey, wait!" I yelled. "You still didn't tell me where this tape came from!"
The cop shrugged. "It's not important, kid. Here, why don't you take this?"
He then proceeded to throw another VHS tape into the air, which I caught.
I gasped when I saw what was written on the front.
"Siren Head Ü 2".
Oh, FUCK no.
I went home and played the tape, because honestly I really have nothing left in life.
Siren Head appeared dancing to a weird remix of "Somebody I Used to Know" as fuckin' aliens and pictures of Nordic shit appeared on the screen.
The fucking troll face faded in, and that was it. I had had enough. I kicked my fuckin' entertainment center straight through my fuckin' wall as "We are Young" by Fun played.
Wait a minute.
Why the FUCK is music playing???
And why can I hear sirens in the distance?