Let me ask you this; did you know, for a fact, that Pete the Cat is having a 2017 TV series? Obviously you don't, it's due to the fact that either you haven't heard of it, or television has turned your brains into jelly, and you all turned into zombies (which could possibly happen in 2020), and ran amuck around town doing your television's bidding. Hypnotized if you will. Well… Not ALL of you are turning into zombies, cause why are you not, because the homeless don't have TV sets, so they go to church and kiss God's ass. The world's coming to a climax and we have no control over it, we've gone to Hell in a handbasket thanks to Donald Trump's presidential campaign, and Kavanaugh is making the matters worse, and so, to turn things around, we will begin screaming our guts out and cry for The Tick. Does anyone remember that TV show of The Tick? Don't lie, your in church.
Based on the New York Times #1 best-selling children's books by author James Dean, "Pete the Cat" is a fun, musically driven series about exploring your world and trying new things; pushing the boundaries while being smart, accepting, and optimistic. Pete is a very cool and loveable cat who, along with his friends, experiences the day-to-day challenges and changes that children can relate to on a personal level. Whether you're making new friends, or facing all of life's ups and downs, Pete highlights the lessons life can teach you. But, what a lot, and when I say 'a lot', a LOT of people didn't realize that Pete the Cat has a lost episode that was never released to public possibly, to either teach kids something, or traumatize them for life.
It happened once or twice, your kids probably just watch the episode on Prime Video till they came across it. It's not there now, but who knows. Maybe they'll accidently see it.
It starts off, differently. Pete is skating on a skateboard and comes across Grumpy Toad saying to Squirrel with a voice very similar to Dr. Robotnik. "HEY SANDY CHEECKS, I’M GOING TO SHOVE A CHAINSAW UP YOUR PUSSY!" He yells, "EAT MY ASSHOLE YOU RIM NIBBLING BASTARD SCREWING HO! YOU FUCKFACED NUT SACKING NUTCRACKER!" Pete looks confused by this and wonders if those were actually good words or bad words. So he asks Grumpy Toad about the words he's using. "SPLOOGE SPOOKING FUCK FUCKBUCKETS YOU DICK FUCK CHUCK I’LL FUCK CHUCK AND SUCK YOU IF YOU DON’T GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN DICK-DAMNED SEMEN STAINED FACE YOU CANTANKEROUS COCK BLOCK FAGGOT FULL OF DICK DUCK!"
Later, Pete goes home to practice saying the obvious bad words. He didn't like the feeling after dropping the 'A Bomb' if you will, neither did he like the feeling when he dropped the 'H Bomb'. Now he REALLY didn't like it when he dropped the 'F Bomb'. Maybe this was an episode about cursing. It then shows Pete feeling queasy about the whole ordeal, but kept it all inside. That night Pete was watching the stars until he heard a familiar voice from the distance.
"BUTT STRUT MUTT I'LL RIP OFF YOUR FUCK CHUCK SUCK AND FEED TO MY PET COCK YOU HOT TROT THOT!" Who else could it be than Grumpy Toad? He was seen shoving sticks and seeds up his amphibian ass in front of bystanders. "Holy tap dancing Jesus!" Callie gasped. "I HAVE TYPE 2 DIABETES!" Grumpy toad squawked. He indeed has Type 2 Diabetes, cancerous sores can be seen all over his green body. Paramedics tried to get him to the hospital, but Grumpy toad pushes them away, pulls the driver out, and makes off with the whole, fucking, ambulance!
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPERS!" He declares.
Pete watches as the ambulance goes off into the distance with police cars chasing after it. He then says the word 'Goddamn'. Everybody's looking at Pete now, eyes wide and jaws dropped to their feet. "I... I mean, gosh darn!" Pete says, looking embarrassed. A skeleton man can be seen in the background with a rifle and a hunter's hat, acting out like Elmer Fudd. It then cuts to Pete's room, he is looking out the window and wore a disappointed look on his face. He's clearly grounded. He knew swearing was a bad idea and felt it in his gut all along. He looks out to see Bob smoking weed. He looked a little, disheveled. Pete sneaks out to see what Bob was doing. Bob has red eyes from the high.
"You know the world is lying to us!" Bob said. "Check this out." He pulls out his phone and gave it to Pete, it shows the media saying that, you know: cats are evil, they hate humanity, and want to take over the world, etc. etc. "What are they talking about?!" Pete looks at the phone with a shocked look. Bob looked high as hell, and his disheveled eyelids began to droop. "Their the ones who's evil, bro. They do it just to ruin the laws of nature." Pete’s eyes grew wide as saucers, and he begins to feel betrayed. "My- whole life is a lie." Pete said. "I went to school, I went to church, I played multiple bands, I learned about sharing and caring and playing, but… Humans?!" Pete said, eyes narrowed, "Humans are dishonest, and ungrateful! And it really is a shame that their children should want to be the same! For shame humanity! For shame!"
Bob hands Pete a blunt and lights it. Kind of disturbing considering Pete is twelve years old. "I know the world has lied to us but, I can’t smoke that!" Pete said, astonished. "It will impair my cognitive development." Bob smiled. "But it will repair your oblongative telekenetive!" "We're the real people." A voice whispered, and both Pete and Bob turned pale as a ghost. "Did you hear that?" Pete grabbed the blunt and took a heavy, heavy dab. "Whoa." Pete said. The screen got all fuzzy. "It's all good."
Pete was so high that his eyes were bloodshot. He even ate the blunt, which you shouldn't because it causes cancer. He goes around and sees nothing but hallucinations; people were giant ants, man-eating sharks in swimming pools, shadows in every alley way, the sky was technicolored and buildings curved in a style Tim Burton himself would make. "I. See. Everything!" Pete gasped in amazement. But his fun was cut short by his parents, who caught Bob giving Pete the faggot in the first place. Both were grounded till school opens up five days from now.
"This is all because of those damn humans, they always say that cats are the assholes of the animal world. I ain't lazy, but I don't like to do too much of anything that's related to the things of this world. You don't have to be no fish to tell when you're floundering. What am I? Some kind of barnacle on the dingy of life? I ain't no doctor, but I know when I'm losing my patience. What am I? Some kind of judge, or a lawyer? Aw, maybe not; but I knows what law suits mean. So what am I? I ain't no physicist, but I knows what matters. What am I? I'm Pete, the Cat."
Then the musician of the show, Elvis Costello, sings surprisingly, the song "I Am What I Am" from the film, Popeye.
"And I yam what I yam what I yam and I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam 'cause I yam what I yam
And I got a lot of muscle and I only got one eye
And I never hurt nobody and I'll never tell a lie
Top to me bottoms and me bottom to me top
And that's the way it is 'till the day that I drop
What am I?
I yam what I yam!
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam
I can open up an ocean I can take a lot of sail
I can lose a lot of waters and I'll never have to bail
On the coast of Madagascar I used a blanket for a sail
What am I?
What am I?
I yam what I yam!"
As Elvis Costello sings like Robert Williams as Popeye, Pete dresses up as Popeye and punches a hole in the door. He goes over and grabs a can of spinach and heads out the front door till his parents stop him. Pete (or Popeye) pops the spinach in his mouth, grew muscles, and beat the holy hell out of his mom and dad; his mom's head was punched off by an uppercut, and his dad was thrown out the window after being painfully turned into a pretzel! Everything done, in hyper-realistic gore!
Pete heads out and runs into Callie, who he thinks is Olive Oil. Then he sees Grumpy Toad AGAIN, and speaking like Dr. Robotnik as usual throughout the entire episode!
"KNICK KNACK PATTY WHACK GIVE FLIP THE DOG THE BIRD! THIS OL' BITCH NEEDS MY DI-"
Before he can yell out any profanity, Pete throws a right hook at Grumpy Toad's face, causing the fat bastard to fall on his ass. Probably Pete thought Grumpy Toad was Bluto. Grumpy Toad continued to shout and scream profanity but Pete gave him no time to do so. After Pete beats up Grumpy Toad, he goes over to the docks, steals a boat, and sets sail with Callie.
The episode ends with Pete singing like Popeye at the end of every episode.
Now, how I found out about the episode is from my eight year old son, Phillip, who was just staring at the computer screen with the 'deleted page' screen on it. Kid's and their creative imagination. That's what I thought, until I got high myself.
Now I know what my son saw... Please, kids, don't do drugs... It'll kill ya. Turn you into Popeye, kill your parents and smoke spinach.
And for the love of our fucking Lord... Don't wind up like me. And share, the same fate.