Written by Mario Lopez's Unrivalable Musk, aka the Schiz.
Are you a fan of Peppa Pig? The quality television program changed the hearts of millions, created a lot of adoration and pretty much paved the way for the future of pigs in children’s television programming. However, there is a very disturbing missing episode of Peppa Pig, a “lost episode” if you will, cut from the original lineup because it was considered “too dark” for daytime children’s television programming.
A man in the upper building with the email handle “Porkleaker” sent me the VHS tape, in a manila envelope, and warned me not to tell the boss, or we’d both get written up for stealing office supplies.
What a lot of people don’t know is that Peppa Pig was originally designed as a short series of vignettes meant to teach kids powerful life lessons about baseball, police officers and other important issues.
However, this episode was NOT for families, and I would find it hard to believe that it even exists if I myself hadn’t witnessed it with my own two irises. It was oddly titled “Peppa Pig is Spicy: Don’t Sneeze.” What the fuck did that mean?!
I just wanted to watch a quality program- I mean, yes it’s my job, but I myself am quite a fan of “the pig’ as I call it, a show about a pig that loves pepper. I was asked to review the episode and leave some notes in the comment card box downstairs for the higher ups to see.
Well. I got out my notepad and started to take notes, as I wanted to follow standard company protocol at Astley Baker Davies INc.
What a shitty fuckin’ show. What was she british or something? This was pissing me the fuck off. “I want tacos!” Peppa pig yelled excitedly. Peppa pig’s mother was really angry though, like blood-shot eyes angry. PO’d. Pissed. “EAT YOUR FUCKING CORN!” She screamed. I shuddered. What in god’s name? I got on the phone with my manager, but it was just the voicemail. I paused, and continued watching. Never, in all 53 episodes of Peppa pig, had I ever heard a character say the word “fuck.”
The animation was so shitty too- I mean, what the fuck. I was TOLD that this was going to be better quality animation than usual, but the changes they made were NOT the changes I was told to expect. Not. One. Bit.
“EAT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING CORN OR I’M GONNA FUCKING THROW YOU OUT THE WINDOW.” Peppa pig started eating her corn. The anthromorphic pig began eating corn at a rapid fire pace.
What happened next disturbed me and began to make me worry about the future of day time children’s television programming.
Peppa pig’s father…was dead. There were “X”s in his eyes and the realistically drawn pork father had an apple in his mouth. His chest cavity had been sliced open, and They were serving peppa pigs’ father on a plate to the guests! “EAT YOUR FUCKING FATHER!” Peppa pig’s mother yelled, shoving her dead father in her mouth, she started to puke and the other pigs started eating the puke, dirty puke slop mixed with corn.
Oh god, oh god no, they were making peppa pig eat her own father! “Want some salt, peppa?” Peppa pig’s grandfather, who had a monocle on, offered her a vial of salt. There was a severed pig tail in the salt shaker!
I.. had to look away, the blood the gore, “I love you peppa…” the father said, he could barely speak because blood was pouring into his internal organs.
It was time to hit eject- I didn’t want to watch this. NO ONE would want to watch peppa pig eat her own father.
All of a sudden the door bell on the show rang- I thought it was my own door bell, so I hesitated and as I opened the door to find no one outside, I was forced to continue watching for a few seconds.
The man at the door- The man at the door- Looked like Adolph Hitler! The notorious german dictator who ruled Germany from 1922 to 1927. Except he was more plump. “I heard we were having pigz! I brought the mustard!” He was holding up a vial of spicy brown guldan’s mustard, an obvious product placement that the Gulden corporation would not sponsor.
All that lay there was a pig skeleton, as hitler sat down and began to tell a story about his favorite flavors of soup. “Beef and barley!” He yelled excitedly. What the fuck. “And split pea, with those little chunks, Those chunks, those chunks… of your father.” Hitler poured himself a glass of bleach in a big golden goblet and began to drink it down, smiling. He kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking the bleach. He pointed to a crudely drawn time machine in the corner- at least I think that was what it was. It was a dryer attached to a bicycle with propeller wheels and a bunch of wires with a colander. “COMEZICKSEN!” Hitler looked a little sick, as he led then over to the dryer. He entered on his own and it turned on, and instead of taking him back in time it just burned him alive and killed him. Pft. I don’t care. It’s fucking hitler. But you know- now that I think about it, maybe they did go back in time.
Peppa pig was dead anyway. What her grandfather said next disturbed me. “You’re dead, peppa pig!” What the fuck.
That was when the doorbell rang again, this time, several highly realistically drawn anthropomorphic carrots, peas, Celery stalks and potatoes with googly eyes. They had evil eyebrows and sharp, razor sharp incisors. They were smiling, And the head carrot had a carrot for a nose, the kind you’d see on a frosty the snowman, but it was a carrot with a carrot for a nose. This…was disturbing. They started to dance- they started to dance and party-
“The age of the carrots is rising.” One fo them said, dancing on the dead body of Peppa pig. They were dancing, singin’ swayin’ fuckin partying. One began pooring beer and another began eating the remains. “eat me next!” The grandfather smiled as he climbed into the mouth of the carrot, and waited to be eaten alive by the carrot.
Then a weird narration started… it sounded like My Manager, mr. Goldberg. What he said next disturbed me. “The time rift was real- we told them we were going back in time to kill Adolph Hitler, but in reality- we were going to create the first humanoid pig race, by splicing the first Neanderthal with animals of the genus sus, but the pigs were in pain, peppa, dead peppa. The pigs were crying. So we went back- we… tried to fix things.” I shut the tape off. I didn’t want to know- this was too weird for me. This wasn’t couched in anything- this couldn’t be real, reality has to be couched in something, but I was experiencing it, so I couldn’t deny it. I got my manager on the phone and demanded to know the meaning of this VHS, but he told me he was going on vacation for a few months and abruptly hung up the phone. A two month vacation in January? He was hiding something.
I got into my car and drove to the office, but someone had changed the locks. I was scared. The key broke off and I was never given a replacement. I decided to go home and continue watching- I mean, what else could I do? With my key broken, it was the only option.
I put the tape back in and pressed play. “We tried to fix things.” The manager continued. This guy made $30,000 a year and lived in a condo next to a defunct Arby’s. “But we couldn’t do it- you see, once you go back in time you can’t go forward- time doesn’t work that way, there’s no eraser-you can only go back and not forwards, so every time you go back and change something and then go forwards again, you’re effectively rewriting something that you already tried to rewrite. The arrow of time is not a pencil with an eraser.” My manager started to cry. “…It’s an etch a sketch. And Peppa pigg, dearest peppa pig, she was real. There was a real pig- a real- real. Five year old pig girl. The pig girl. Our daughter, Anne.” He started to sob uncontrollably. What? What the fuck? What in god’s name was my manager saying? That time splits in an infinite number of dimensions?” “And we’re all living in the dimension where Hitler is the man who went back in time-“ he screamed, stuttering, as I heard something revving in the background. And then I realized, we weren’t going back in time to kill hitler. Our going back in time CREATED HITLER.” He screamed, and I heard the sound of a chainsaw, with something like a pumpkin being cut open. He screamed and screamed, I heard some gurgling, and what sounded like someone choking blood “Behchhrarrrfufulllll!” He screamed. “ORROYOOGUUYUULL LL BECOMHHEEM EVERYTYHYUUIIIINGNNNN YOUUU HAH HHHTHTHHAHHHHHTHHEHHEHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATE!”
It was just a bunch of gibberish, it sounded like he had swallowed his tongue. A voice actor that I didn’t recognize began to speak. “This is the rise of the carrots, the day when our starch organs pump pulp blood. We’ll inherit your cars, your ideas, your technology. That exists outside time and is ours.” You see the carrot grab the dryer-colander time machine and smash it, breaking it into a million pieces.
The carrot’s muscles had green stalk veins and were pumping starch blood. This was disturbing. Maybe my boss was right- not the time thing, that made no sense, but about the girl- the pig girl. The neckbearded carrot man who was browsing 4chan began sanding his teeth with a crudely drawn nail file, sharpening them. “Enjoy your soy burgers and soy milk, while you sleep in your soy bed with your soy dick, you cuckface soy boy.” He gave me the middle finger. And by that, I mean the screen.
A carrot…was giving me the middle finger. And the carrots began grinding up the pig bones. A time lapse shows all of the carrots creating a society out of the dead pig ashes, the pigs that apparently ate humans. And what did the humans eat? Pigs? And what did the pigs eat? Carrots. It all made sense now- I… get it. This tape only existed in this of all possible dimensions, all the other dimensions.
The hitler skull smiled…what the fuck? It almost looked like my boss, Clayton Phildorph, a middle management failure, a 2nd rate animator for a failing animation studio, nobody special, no one someone would care about.
The last scene was the most disturbing. Several tombstones for the pigs were shown, even though in real life pigs never get tombstones. And peppa pig’s diary was open- it was open to page five. It was in her voice- the voice of Peppa pig.
I am the author of my own misfortune. E=MCsquare, time and space are converging and have converged on this single point of light, one place in the universe where you can see everything- the carrots will be coming soon- this is why they wanted us to go vegan. Eat the pigs- eat them, or soon you will be the pigs- in fact, you already are the pigs. Your child self still believes in you even though no one else does. I’ll be gone soon- in fact I already am gone. No one is reading this. The animation studio’s gone.”
I tried calling my boss- but my boss didn’t pick up. I went to the local yellow pages and found him- I knew it was him because Mr. Hiller had a unique name. But when I went to visit him, something very strange and confusing happened. I mean I knew it was him, but it wasn’t him.
It was an infant.