CJayMarch Wiki
Advertisement

DISCLAIMER: This is the remake of "Quack's Minute of Fame", because it was cringe as hell. It is also intended to be read aloud.


When I was just a child, I always enjoyed Peep and the Big Wide World. Every morning, I would wake up and enjoy said show. It was a huge part of my childhood, and I still love this show, despite being too old for that show. I was also into older PBS cartoons, like Teletubbies, Sesame Street, Kratts Creatures, Zoboomafoo, Boohbah, etc. I always thought of the show having no actual conflict, which I thought was perfect. However, there was a peculiar episode that made me think twice about that show.

It all started when I was at a local thrift store, and they sold DVDs and Blu-Rays, as well as some mobile devices, TVs, laptops, smartwatches, cameras, pop vinyls, posters, board games, and even television cameras. It wasn't until after browsing through the store completely that I noticed that they also sold VHS Tapes. I was surprised, to see this because not barely anybody still used them. I mean, I as I matter of fact still had some and I had watched them every once in a while. I browsed through some of the tapes that were there. A bunch of the tapes had stuff that I didn’t really care for, and movies that I had seen a gazillion times, and ones I had already had, except for one. As I was about to leave, I saw a DVD, with “PEEP UNRELEASED SEASON 5” written in Comic Sans. I thought the title was a bit confusing, but I had no idea why the show had a fifth season. The show took an indefinite hiatus in 2011, and there weren't any new episodes out. I just decided to buy the DVD.

When I came back to my apartment, I put the disc into my PlayStation 4 DVD player (Because I can't afford the new PS5!), and it played the feature program.

The disc began with a weird commercial for PBS Kids, and it featured Dash and Dot in the style of Tim Burton, walking like in the 1920's cartoons. Off-key Mexican music was playing in the background, and I wasn't sure why they did this. The commercial ends with Dash and Dot falling down a sewer. The metal trapdoor flew in, was inserted into the sewer, and it panned to see the PBS Kids Logo. I don't know, maybe it was a bootleg.

Regardless, the next commercial was like this: Oobi, Uma, Kako, Angus and Frieda were all standing on a white background. Oobi said, "Let's go!" and they all began to dance strangely. Then, the Screen Gems S from Hell popped up behind them. Andy got scared and ran away. Then, Kako said, "Let's go before the reel S gets us!" They all ran out of the white background and into Dunder-Mifflin. Elmo somehow enters the office and destroys the S (was too flooded with Walt Wesley's stuff a couple days ago). Angus then looks at the camera and puts his two hands together to form a C. The Comedy Central logo forms out of this. Mario enters the scene and says, "That's-a one strange logo, huh, Angus?" then Angus does Dwight's trademark look-at-the-camera pose. The bumper then ended.

The third and final commercial had the V of Doom, the S from Hell, and the Flashing WGBH logo in a white background. The V of Doom said to the WGBH puppet, "Hey S from Hell, how many stupid WGBH logos does it take to go to the bathroom? Just one, YOU!!!!!!". That got WGBH so mad, he turned into the 1972 WGBH logo. I started laughing so hard. Afterwards, the intro began playing. The theme song was the standard Peep and the Big Wide World intro, but something wasn't right. Actually a lot of things weren't right, and of course I being a self described PATBWW fan was quick to notice them. The music in the background was Forget You by Cee Lo Green. The music was so loud it made my little tumbleweed ears bleed out eggshells as Cee Lo's face appeared on screen and he said and I quote, "yo how it's going peeps?" With that, the episode began with the title card which read, "Quack To The Stars." The title card showcased Quack in a black background doing nothing. After that, the episode began.

It began with the Big Wide World as we always do. The narrator said: "It was peaceful day in the big wide world." The episode then continued... "Sorry about that!" said the narrator. "Wait, what the fuck is going on? Why the fuck are you not seeing Quack? JUST FUCKING CONTINUE!" Hold up, Did she just curse? This is a preschool show, for goodness sake! Quack looked at the camera for about 10 seconds. He then said: "Today, I'm going to fucking go into space to unleash the demons to the audience!" So, it was Quack himself going to unleash the demons. Oobi then popped up. Wait a sec, Oobi in Peep and the Big Wide World?! He's not supposed to be in this show! He belongs to his namesake TV program! He claimed that there was a letter for Quack. To my surprise, there was a letter from Peep himself.

The letter said: “Dear Quack. You are the worst duck ever to mankind. Sincerely, Barney the Dinosaur”. Wait, Barney's here too? He's supposed to be on Barney and Friends! Quack then said, “Whatever! I just needed to protect myself from these assholes.” After that, Quack then ran to Peep, saying: "Hey, bitch! Did you do this?" Peep replied with: "Go fuck yourself, Quack." Peep then ran towards Quack. Chirp also appeared and said: "Quack, what on earth are you doing?" Quack then said: "Who gives a fuck? I'm gonna go to space to troll everyone here." Quack then skidooed to space, by saying: "LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Quack exploded into millions of pieces after a few seconds...NOT! He was in space without even using a helmet! He then said: "Yes! I made it to space!" Barney the Dinosaur then appeared and said: "Quack? What the fuck are you doing? You are in space with an alien intelligence that doesn’t want to be reached. They’re not like you!  They never have been!  They can’t help you unless you can help yourself." Quack then punched Barney in the leg, causing him to go to the Big Wide World. Quack then said: "Time to unleash the demons to everyone, including the crowd, so that we can cause fucking chaos to the Big Wide World!"

Quack's voice then said very fast: "i am really happy about this! God will be happy about this! Oh happy day! Let's go to mars to bring an unknown entity to earth so that we can terrify the world with insanity! i am really happy about this! This is my last series! It's time to unleash the demons to everyone, including the crowd, so that we can cause a fucking chaos to the Big Wide World!  i am really happy about this!  God will be happy about this!  Happy face.  i believe." After that, he got an entity, which is a van. He then started the van, and it ran real quick to earth. He then returned to the Big Wide World, and said the following: "Welcome! i'm so glad all of you fuckers have came! We are getting prepared for the demon unleashing! And first, before i do so, i am going to start by causing chaos to the fucking audience so that you have all a fucking choice but to worship me and fear the demon!  So give it a fucking chance! So, you guys ready?" Peep then said "Oh, that's the wrong answer!  Shit, wrong answer!  No, no, no, we fucking hate you, we fucking hate you!  Fuck, fuck!  Do you fear the demon, you fuck!?" What's with the cursing? Last time I checked, this show was for children! I guess I was wrong then. And then Quack said: "None of your fucking business! It's time to begin our shitty demon unleashing ritual! Get ready for the worst patch of all! Well, everyone? You can all start the ritual now! Chop chop! Do your damned thing! And when you're done, bury all the gore and blood in a brand new hole! That's right, our little audience, our bare-assed reader, now unleashes the worst thing in the world."

Everyone else replied by saying "Yes! We will unleash the demons!" And then Quack said: "Okay guys, let's get started!" After that, all of the characters are unleashing demons to the audience. As such, There were other characters. The skeletons were there dancing around a fake fire. Quack was yelling "Let's go, skeletons, jump for your life!" Then there was the skeleton who was dressed like a pastor preaching to his congregation. There was a skeleton with a cane in front of the Grim Reaper. It was also dressed like a pastor. "This seems like a great ritual for the big wide world." Chirp said. She then started spazzing around uncontrollably. She ended up running around, pushed through doors, tripped, fell. There was a flying skeleton. Peep yelled: "Who actually gives a fuck about this? i wasn't told anything! i saw a dude jump out of nowhere and shit himself! Plus, how could they ever think that the actors were even real?" We can see Splendid Bird too! She or he said "Come on! Hit that frying pan on my face." And then Quack hitted Splendid Bird's face with a frying pan to disagree her decline. As such, Quack said "Time to cause chaos to this place and you will like it or not. i fucking appreciate it! And thank you very much for the lighthearted content."

"Who fucking cares about that shit?" Chirp said angrily. "i actually look good. No one's looking! It's too fucking early in the morning. Dance your ass around. Let you enjoy life a little bit." Quack then said: "i'll fucking show you how to fucking unleash the demons into the audience! Prepare for your life, bitch!" Quack began swinging into Chirp without accepting her decline. After that, all of the Quack clones fuckin' came in and started chanting with deep guttural voices, and the screen started shaking uncontrollably, and there were disjointed visual nightmares of Quack clones fighting against Chirp, using special Kung Fu punches, and she was beginning to fall to the floor. "Ow! That fucking hurt!" Chirp hollered loudly. Peep then yelled "Now this ritual feels like a good attempt at quashing all of these demons that are haunting us." And then Quack grabbed Peep, and flung him in the air. Quack then said: "You better listen, bitch. i fucking told you that you are starting to smell like shit." Chirp then said loudly "Why are you screaming like that?" And then Quack said "Because you're not what you think you are, you stupid moron!"

After that, Quack returned to his pond, with his van, who almost ran all of the other characters over. He then said: "This ritual is intelligent." And then, he puts on a money chain, and i know it's kinda intense to believe about it, but he began to rap, as he took a boombox out and a shitty beat began playing.

Yo, my name is Quack, and i'm here to tell ya,

Don't eat McDonalds, go to Taco Bell y'all

cause they got tacos, and they got burritos.

Plus they got breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Keep up with the rhythm in my ass.

That ritual isn't good to last!

If you disagree with me, Then i'll kick you in the dick

You're going down like Rogers, Chef or the Tick!

Quack then started eating a burrito without accepting a decline for no fucking reason. Suddenly, right before he does anything to do so, a crowd of robins came bursting through the ground.

"What the goddamn shitass fuck? Get the fuck out! Now!" Quack screamed. a robin then said: "Oh, says you the man, Master of me.  destroy me, motherfucker?"  As he then began firing off with a gun and yelled: "Shut the fuck up!" He then turned all the birds into a flying paper plane, and said: "If i had one wish, I wish to burn, you fuck!"  And after that, the credits rolled with out even a real life segment.

Before that, the narrator said: "The moral of this story is to avoid trying to shit.  It will only get you in trouble and on your ass! And remember, If you see a dude, wearing red and shit, and takin' a dump, known as Quack, You ask why?  And he'll tell you the whole goddamn truth." And after that the credits rolled while the fucking SCREAMO cover of the Peep and the Big Wide World theme song played in the background, which caused me to nearly jump out of my seat the most. But the text were in Russian, and after that it only saw the WGBH logo, but something was wrong. The text said: "QUACK" instead of "WGBH".

I then immediately ejected the PS4, and putted the DVD player into the case and putted it to the desk. I then said: "Well, I must admit, that was one crazy-ass episode." So remember kids, Don't unleash demons to the audience! It will be funny experimental stuff. Just. DON'T!

Advertisement