Written by GarfieldFan1997 (a.k.a Ashley Armbruster)
If there’s one thing I fear on this planet, it’s a hoard. What the hell is a hoard you may be asking? They are these cursed sacklings that cause trouble and mayhem during a race. They’re so creepy as hell just by looking at them. By the way, the name is Chris. I work for Team America.
I’d like to tell you about a cursed copy of LittleBigPlanet Karting I came across once. It’s one of the weirdest things that I’ve ever seen. For most of you who have never heard of this game, let me tell you that this game is a legit parody of Mario Kart because it uses weapons that are similar to those games.
Anyways, the real story behind LittleBigPlanet Karting is the fact that it’s a video game released in the year where the world was supposed to end. Sackboy ventures through different worlds to save LittleBigPlanet from the creatures called hoards.
But however, as I said, I came across a cursed copy of this game. Here’s the story. One day, I retired from Team America because these piece of shit terrorists would not get out of my head. I wish I could describe what the terrorists look like but I killed them all and stuffed them in my basement.
That sounded a little dark didn’t it? Well I apologize for any inconvenience. Anyways, I was at home watching this really weird commercial that involved James Sand and Tom Hanks eating a breakfast taco and playing on their PS5 which hadn't been released yet. It wasn’t until I got a knock on the door. When I opened it, I was greeted by this crappy little girl who asked me, “Hey can you take me to Toys R Us?” She repeated 6 times before I slammed the door on her foot. I told her to get the hell off my property.
She cried while running away. What a jerk. The next day, I went to this flea market which was odd in my case. I met with this fortune teller named Cynthia telling me that in the future, I would be vice president of the United States. Then I went to check out the video game section since it had a good collection.
While browsing through all the games, I met this familiar person named Richard Bagg who told me about this so-called Mario Kart ripoff starring Sackboy from LittleBigPlanet. I took a look at the cover at the game and it didn’t look normal. The concept of the case showed Sackboy driving away from what looked like the head of Groundskeeper Willie.
“Is this copy of LittleBigPlanet Karting personalized?” I asked Richard. And he said that there’s a secret boss if you enter one of the secret walls in the level Egg Kartin. Then I was somehow led to this secret room that had people such as Colonel Dodo, Mr Director, Lazarus Marmite, Rap Rat, Asia Argento and John Claude. They told me that they have had weird coincidences with this game.
They never explained what coincidences they had. But I brought the game home for a good view. I checked the mail and noticed that I owed Team America about 103 dollars for something.
I put the game into my PS3 and sat back. Instead of the opening cutscene where there were all these people in a traffic jam, it was just a commercial for Six Flags. But once the advertisement ended, Mr Six popped out of my TV saying, “Six Flags, more flags, more fun!” before heading back to the TV.
I was then introduced to the tutorial. However, the narrator sounded like Captain Qwark from Ratchet & Clank. I did the tutorial and went to the first level of the game. However, things were off about the first part though. Next to the queen were Red and Yellow M&M. They kept interrupting the queen all because they didn’t sign a petition to be in the game. Then Sackboy took out a weapon and shot them to melted chocolate. Then the race began. However, instead of the creepy hoards. They were the members of Big Time Rush.
What? Why would they be in the game? Before I got to the finish line on the first lap, I got stopped by the grumpy old troll from Dora The Explorer. He sang his usual song telling me to solve his riddle. The riddle was a simple math question. I answered it and continued off. Obviously none of the other racers weren’t even distracted and I ended up in 8th place by the end of the race. Fuck that troll!
I went back to my pod to calm down over that silly riddle. I hoped that the grumpy old troll wouldn’t come back to make me solve his riddles. 1 minute into relaxing, I saw a bunch of other people in my pod including Barry Scott, the instruments from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the PG Tips monkey, Luca Brasi, Mr Parks and Jenny Foxworth. They told me that they would protect me from that troll by assassinating him.
A few levels later, I went to Monster Islands which was the 2nd world. Instead of Ray The Wonder Turtle who was the original owner. I was instead greeted by Hilda. During the first level, the pufferfish were just clones of Peck Fex. Once I finished the last level of Monster Islands, It showed a cutscene of Reverend Peter Timms launching an atomic bomb to the next world which was Victoria’s Laboratory.
And then I automatically was sent to The Progress Emporium. Don Doubtworthy had a friend beside him named Detective Johnson. For some reason, Don was speaking normal english instead of his gibberish accent.
However, there were only 2 levels that can be played such as Zeppelins Rule and Best Before Date. Then I was introduced to another cutscene. This one involved Hilda launching a nuke to Eve’s Asylum and The Space Bass.
I got to the final level of the game. It was basically the same thing with all the other stuff from different worlds. Things were off about this level, instead of the usual trash monster, it was just the honey monster from the UK. Once I defeated the trash monster’s maniacs. I was greeted to what looked like Star Butterfly. I presumed that it was just the trash monster’s wife.
I defeated them both and there was one more cutscene in the game, this time, it cut to one of the Big Time Rush members having a relationship with Tackleton’s fiance from Cricket of the Hearth.
I took the game out of my PS3 and went back to the flea market for a refund. I slammed the game onto to the counter while yelling, “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?” Richard Bagg turned around telling me that I didn’t protect the worms in Eve’s Asylum. I told him that Eve’s Asylum got nuked.
He didn’t believe me and I was kidnapped by Bill Sykes. For some odd reason, I was sent to this day care which involved both men and women. What the flying crap would people like me be doing in here?
I met some familiar looking people such as Baldrick, Superintendent Chalmers, Sully, Frank Coughdrops and others. I noticed I brought an axe along with me on my trip so I bailed myself out with it and the others were happy. I would never go through an experience like that again. I took my PS3 and stuffed it in the closet so I could avoid it for a few months.
The next day, I got a knock on the door. I was greeted by Kim Jong-il who was for some reason alive. He told me that I have 6 days left to pay the 103 dollar bill. My money was in the bathroom. When I got up there, I met this girl who was using my bathtub without permission. I said hello and then she replied with, “I am in the bathtub!” I grabbed my money and paid it to Kim.
This is why I’m scared of hoards as of recent. Now if you excuse me, there’s business I gotta deal with.