Written by The Dr. Link here: https://pastebin.com/pHU19n6u/
I always loved Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius. It was a show about a kid named Jimmy Neutron, who was a boy genius. The cutting-edge CG of his oversized head and underlying anger issues hid a very sinister secret that I dare not talk about until this day.
You see, Jimmy Neutron aired on Nickelodean, and he was named after the neutron, a negatively charged electron that bonds with a positron to create a positively charged nucleus. I’m not really a fan of science (I believe in creationism and I think atoms are a conspiracy created by CNN) but Jimmy Neutron was different.
I was probably the biggest fan of “the neut.” I loved all that stuff, so when I saw a VHS tape floating in midair outside my house tied to a string I knew that I had to be one of the lucky ones.
I’ve been breaking down my whole life, and I have no one to cry to. You can only drown your sorrows in alcohol so much until you’re up to you’re neck and ready to drown, and at that point your Jimmy Neutron VHS tapes shaped like a woman glued together by your own dried ejaculate are all you have left.
There are an infinitesimal number of neutrinos flowing through your body every minute of every day. These were dubbed “God’s semen” by the New York times, my favorite publication.
I tell you this because the following story Is going to shock you. Jimmy Neutron was Nickelodean’s first gay superhero, followed by Little Bill, played by Bill Cosby voicing a child. He was an all star, someone you could believe in. A true hero.
If you’ve ever been in love, you know that all love is false and the universe is an illusion. Children are just simulations of a reality that we’ll never actually experience, that’s why they play dress up and have tea parties, so that they can simulate being an adult, but when you get there it’s all disappointment and your back-alley box social brouhaha with the local homeless ruffians only leaves you covered in cockroaches and sexually transmitted sideases. You just know adults are miserable and scary, full of exhalations of disappointment and feelings of regret. Oh yeah Neutron.
I put the tape in. I pressed play, and I heard the intro music play. Wow, I loved this show. I’ve been watching it all my life, years in fact, I’m middle aged, but I relate to Jimmy’s dilemmas involving science and that pesky villain. Yes, that pesky villain.
What I saw sent my jaw to the floor and I will NEVER forget it until this day. My spine began to tingle, and it’s not just because I have scoliosis and wear a special back brace when I play tag team football, it’s because this was scary. I got goosebumps also, not the books by R.L. Stein, the possibly fatal medical condition wear tiny bumps form on your skin because you are so scared and this is scary.
I was so fucking scared. I served ten years in Vietnam and saw many of my friends brutally maimed, murdered and shaved, but this was worse. Jimmy Neutron had no eyes, and his eyes were floating. You could hear some man snickering in the background, a producer maybe. The producers of this show were known users of “the coca plant” or cocaine. A special interview by the real creator (The one who drafted it, not John A. Davis, a fake surname of a nonexistent man, reveals that Jimmy Neutron was the result of a scientifically degenerate cocaine user visiting a science fair for children before he was arrested for making a scene. He didn’t even have children who was this guy.
Jimmy Neutron was trying to power a lightbulb with a potato and screaming.
He looked so mad. His eyes were blood shot. Dish. And he was huffing and puffing eviled. He looked so mad.
“Listen to me you fucking assholes.” He was so angry. He was yelling at his friends, the fat one, Although the producers originally wanted to make a fourth season, plans for this season were scrapped after DNA Productions' closing as the result of the lacksluster performance of The Ant Bully. “Listen to me you little bitch.” He was talking to the potato. “You will live you fucking asshole.” He said angrily. He picked up the potato and threw it on the floor, stomping it. My eyes grew as wide as saucers and the horror inside my body intensified, I felt like puking to be honest, this was disgusting. I could see the eye of the potato, it was crying. Hearts contain electrical charges, everything is electrical in fact.
The potato was crying because it tried so hard to be human, but it never could be. Tears were streaming down the potato’s face as it plead, a small voice box crying “Please don’t kill me father, I am human.”
“Go fuck yourself!” The neutron screamed. You see some police officers come in. “Active shooter!” One of them screams. He was holding a potato, but I guess it looked like a gun.
I know you won’t believe me, but they shot Jimmy Neutron square in the head. It looked way too realistic for this sort of show. He was an unarmed boy at a science fair yelling at a potato, and they shot him.
Jimmy Neutron was dead.
What happened next shocked me and I will never forget it until this day. All of the characters began to dance and sing, smiling. Judy Neutron, Cindy Vortex and even the eponymous Carl Weezer. Mrs. Fowl was masturbating though, I started to puke. Professor Finnbar Calamatous. The others. CG skeletons walked in, some fat even, I don’t know how a skeleton can be fat. I guess it’s true that fat people are big boned.
They all began to sing. “Well, we’ve had our laughs and we’ve had our fun, but we murdered you with a potato gun!
You saw it hanging on a string, because you’re the VHS king!
The excitement never ends in lost episode land! Now come along and take my hand!
We’ll take you beyond the stars and leave you raped in a dumpster!
Come and sing a long? What horror story is next? King kong?!
You never know because the VHS tales are so clever!
Will we stop doing this? Never!
Oh, nobody’s listening? Go fuck yourself!
Don’t put this exciting tale on the shelf!
I’m actually just a really depressed man projecting my mental issues onto kids
Jimmy Neutron was a good show though I watched it for five minutes once-“
The characters started to mumble, one of them started suggesting 9/11 was an inside job, another sad that the sandy hook shooting was a hoax. They all stopped and looked through the camera.
They were looking through the camera at me.
The potato smiled. It put on a tophat and cane. “Incredulity toward meta-narratives, my boy!” He gave a wink and a nudge, and strolled down the street. I didn’t want to watch this strolling potato, it was disturbing. The people just stared at the potato, it was not science. Science related things are not science, this potato was a metaphysical nightmare, a concoction of horror and nothing else.
I couldn’t watch this anymore.
This was supposed to be the Jimmy neutron lost episode I didn’t want to watch a fucking potato walk down the street. Well, float, because the CG wasn’t very good, and due to budget constraints there was no sky and instead you saw one of the devs snickering to himself as he rendered the potato.
“Dad, I want to go home.” The potato cried, but it sounded like the Jimmy Neutron voice actor. The potato strolled down the street before the cane collapsed and the whole thing spun out of control. Jimmy Neutron started rambling about the social power structure of the proletariat and
I shut the tape off.
I didn’t want to watch this. What was this, some weird, horror propaganda? A snuff film? I mean I heard what sounded like a woman screaming, a goat yelling and someone being murdered with a power drill. This had nothing to do with Jimmy Neutron my favorite show.
I looked outside, at the string. “Give it back…” a voice whispered.
I was getting the creeps. It was midnight and I was completely naked. “Give it back…” two voices whispered in unison.
What I saw next horrified me beyond comprehension and caused a small amount of vomit to trickle up from my stomach.
A potato-shaped man was approaching me. He was moving very slowly, and he had a jimmy neutron Halloween mask on (these are real, google) It didn’t fit, because he was a grown potato man. His disgusting, highly rendered flesh was pulsing starch blood as he clutched his electric potato heart. He could barely walk, his potato innards falling out due to the baking/surgery. I shuddered. He was holding the battery in with his left hand, but with his right hand he reached out to murder/ strangle me. Well, I was several feet away from the window, so he couldn’t reach, since he only had one free hand.
He opened up a bag of tater tots that I guess were poisoned or something, and he threw them at me. “Try the tots” his horrific voice whispered. I… wasn’t gonna eat them. I don’t take food from strangers and besides, he was clearly trying to murder me. Anyway eventually he reached his hand in and I closed the window on it, so he was trapped. He just sort of sat there for a while, kept threatening to murder me, insisted he was Jimmy Neutron, but I didn’t believe him. “I’m potato neutron.” He smiled. “My spud kind came from science fair in the year 2986 the scientific effects of a tachyonic antitelephone were muffled by the otherkin from the endless 100 year spud wars…” He sort of trailed off and I stopped listening.
I called the police, but they wouldn’t come out. “Potato man!?” The dispatcher laughed. “Better bring the ketchup!” He snickered, and hung up on me. Asshole.
He’s… he’s still out there. I can’t sleep too close to the window, one night I woke up and he was really close, but he can’t quite reach. I don’t know the atomic strength of starch I’m just certain that this potato man is probably gonna kill me. He keeps insisting that he’s jimmy neutron and he loves me and he always has, but I know better. He has other tapes, of my favorite shows, but I won’t watch them. He keeps offering me tapes, I don’t know where he gets them from.
I told my parents, but since I’m 45 they think I’m lying. I’m not lying though. Nobody believes me but every night the potato man tries to murder me. The neighbors saw, but they didn’t do anything. State farm lied. Worst part is, I really could use the food. I might wait until he dies and eat him. I know that’s morbid, but tubers are among my favorite foods. He keeps saying he’s dying anyway.
And then he grabbed me. I began to scream as he grabbed me. “Neutronnn!” He hissed, his deep voice cruthering. “NUEEETROOOOOOOON!” He squaled, the mask fell off and his horrific eyeless potato face began to smile. The smile was a sinister one, he looked quite devious. He was strangling me. I was being strangled by the potato man, but I wasn’t going to let the postmodernists win.
All of my life I wanted to be something. I didn’t spend all this time surviving to let it end like this, and even though my existence had pretty much lost all feeling and nothing felt real anymore, I wrestled this evil potato man to the floor. “Jimmy Neutron was an underrated television program!” I screamed. I must confess, I never actually watched it. Maybe for like five minutes, but the truth is I didn’t have to. I knew it was a great show.
Potatoes have one true weakness: fire. I took out a box of matches and lit the potato man on fire. “No!” He screamed. “Nooooooo!” “Dad.” He said. “Father.” I shuddered. “I love you father, why did you burn me?” His eyes grew sparkly and he reached out to me, with love. “I will always love you father.” He began to burn and burn. The heat had burned away the outer skin of the potato flesh, and he was naked. I began to cry. I had killed my son. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch my baking incident burn. “I love you too, son.” I said. Breaking down as the feeble mechanisms of the mind tried to understand this strange experience. “I love you so, so much.” I reached out and began to hug the potato man. Oh, it burned, but I didn’t feel anything. It’s strange how when you are dying for love you don’t feel anything. “I love you and I always will.” I said. The heat had burned away his potato chest half-slice (He was a baked potato) and butter, sour crème, bacon bits and several half-melted VHS tapes began to pour out.
“I love you daddy.” He squealed, his mouth burning away as the bubble heat turned us to smoky exhaust that slowly immolated our home. “I love you too, son.” I said, I tried to cry but the heat had melted my tear ducts closed. “Let’s watchin Jammy nutrin-“ He started to cough and smoke poured out of our lungs that were now glued together.
I reached for the VHS tape player but the heat had fused me into the floor. “I love you baked pothatohof….th” The potato man had started to laugh as we both began to melt into the floor. Maybe he had tricked me, but it didn’t matter anymore. Wiring electricity is a difficult job, and if your potato doesn’t live,you must take responsibility. Even if your son is evil and he tries to murder you, you must continue to love him. That is why it’s called unconditional love. It means that there’s nothing you can do that will ever stop them from loving you. Maybe we all want that.
Some blood squirted out of my eye because the floaty CG characters were in there. I saw Jimmy Neutron from the corner of my melting eye and he winked, the plastic CG surgery.
We were baked. Fried to a crisp. The sun is a heat lamp and we are all hot, baked French fries.
I will make you live. For the love of god for your hot, baked electric heat lamp heart powered by a broken bulb, I will make you live. Also, fuck off with your goody two-shoes. I died in a potato fire because of my love of Jimmy Neutron.
And one day soon, you’ll get a VHS in the mail too! Will you be one of the several million Americans murdered in mysterious potato fires? Have you ever heard of spontaneous combustion? That’s me, I loved you so much that I literally burst into flames because of it.
And then I woke up. It was all a dream, oh wait, never mind. It wasn’t a dream. I’m typing this on a melted laptop please send help. Me, the potatoes
Potates and ketchup, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going hot grease, for spuds.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!