Written by Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles[edit | edit source]
Let me ask you a question. Do you remember the children's show Timothy Goes To School? The show centers around a child raccoon named Timothy and his adventures in school. Despite the show only lasting a total of 26 episodes and having a mixed critical reception; it has developed a cult following over the years following it's cancellation. It is regularly repeated on channels like Tiny Pop. and if you don't know what that channel is. Well count yourself lucky my little duckling.
Now the funny thing is well it's not really funny but I actually used to work at Tiny Pop as a script writer back from 2000 to 2002. Timothy Goes To School ended in October of 2001; but what a lot of people don't know is that the show was actually intended to be given a proper send
off. The official series finale would have explored the character of Henry the bus driver. Henry is a fat fucking beaver who drives the kids to Hilltop School every day. It was scheduled to air in very early January 2002.
Sadly, the head of Tiny Pop, Eddie Pop scrapped the episode as he hated it. "It's bloody horrible!" Eddie cried whilst leaving the viewing room. Poor old Eddie. Actually no because Eddy is a horrible boss. One time at a Christmas staff party, Eddie spiked the punch bowl with whiskey. I was dancing on the roof until the sun went down in Hushaby Mountain.
Okay moving on from my hatred towards Eddie Pop, I was doing some script writing as script writers tend to do. I went over to the photocopier when I saw a small DVD disc sitting on top of the copier. I picked the disc up and looked it over. The disc was a blank disc with writing on it which read, "Timothy Goes To School Series Finale." It was written in tomato sauce or at least I certainly hoped it was tomato sauce. It smelt more like Nolan North's laundry basket if you ask me. I was very interested in seeing the series finale of Timothy Goes To School so I decided in my upmost wisdom that I would watch it. What a fucking dumb mistake that was let me tell you.
I walked over to the laptop which I had been writing on and popped the disc into it. The disc made the laptop make horrifying sounds. It sounded like someone throwing chicken into a woodchipper. Ever done that? I know I have! Ahem sorry about that now the DVD showed some commercials. I found this odd as this was DVD was only intended to be seen by employees of Tiny Pop not the general public.
The commercials were well weird. One commercial had the Vegetable Man dancing like a mad man. He then stopped and stared at the screen for an uncomfortable amount of time before saying, "hello everybody I'm the Vegetable Man and for a small loan of a million dollars I can sing Take On Me." Suddenly the screen cut to another commercial which had Ned Flanders from The Simpsons running people over with his car. It was quite funny actually. Actually no it wasn't it made me sick and I vomited into my shoes. By the far the strangest commercial was when they showed Mr Parks squeezing an apple and then another and then another. He was squeezed an entire box full. What a waste of apples.
About 21 commercials later; the episode actually started with the theme song. It wasn't correct. For starters, Timothy's house looked it had been hit by a train, Timothy's mum and dad were replaced by Colonel Dodo, and Henry couldn't drive the bus properly. He was driving like he was drunk or something. He was crashing into fences, mailboxes, and he even crashed into Timothy's living room. Timothy didn't seem to notice as the doors to the bus opened. Henry didn't look very happy to see Timothy and gave him the middle finger. I can't really blame Henry to be honest with you. Anyways, the rest of the theme song played like normal with Henry driving the kids to school. However, the person singing the lyrics from that point on sounded incredibly nervous. He was constantly stuttering and repeating himself. "There's so much to do.... uh.... at..... to do at... uh school uh..." The singer would sing. Yeah imagine that but for the entire fricking song. Also the theme song ended with Henry crashing the bus into Hilltop School.
The episode then started with the title of the episode appearing on the screen, it read , "Henry Goes Crazy." The episode started with Henry waking up after his alarm clock went off. He walked into his kitchen and made himself a steaming cup of Joe. "I'm losing the plot here." Henry muttered as he took a sip from his coffee. Henry's wife or at least someone I assumed to be his wife came down to give Henry a hug. It was Rilla Roo from Crash Bandicoot. He jumped in the air after hugging Henry. He jumped so much that he ended up crashing through the floor down towards the basement.
The episode then cut to show Timothy getting ready for school. He looked out his living room window, and saw the bus was pulling on the pavement. Once again, Timothy's parents were replaced by Colonel Dodo. "Be a good little sport dear Timothy." Colonel Dodo said before continuing with, "I need you on peak behaviour for the big hunt this afternoon." Timothy hugged Dodo before getting thrown out of the window. Timothy then climbed onto the bus but Henry didn't seem to acknowledge him. Henry then drove the bus down to Lilly's house. This is where things got weird as if they weren't weird before.
Lilly ran up to the bus as the doors opened to reveal Henry's smiling face. "Hey Lilly you got all your pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils...." He went on like that for a good two minutes and half. Lilly just looked dumbfounded and asked, "uh should I get on the bus now or?" "Pencils, pencils, pencils, and scarf." Henry finished as Lilly awkwardly made her way onto the bus. "Time to go to Hushaby Mountain." Henry sang to himself as he began driving towards Claude's house. Arriving at Claude's house, Claude was shown leaving the house with Grace by his side as they both had a sleepover. Henry ended up running them over with his bus killing them both instantly. "Uh what the heck is going on!?" Lilly cried. Lilly, Timothy, Yoko, Doris and the others then tried their best to get off the bus. Henry was having none of it and slammed his foot on the accelerator causing them to fall down onto the floor. The Franks didn't notice however as they're fucking stupid. They were busy eating beans on toast.
Henry continued driving the bus until they finally reached Hilltop School. He ended up driving and crashing the bus into the playground. The children all ran off the bus and ran inside as Henry climbed out from the wreckage. Arriving at the classroom, Mrs Jenkins announced that the class was going on a field trip to a street corner where a man sells pirated DVD's. I wouldn't recommend buying them pirated DVDs. Buy a regular DVD so you can laugh like a seal even though the people in your movie are talking about whales dying out. Sorry about that; so the episode then cut to show the children reluctantly leaving the classroom. They tried explaining the morning's events to Mrs Jenkins but she was having none of it. "Quick sticks children!" Mrs Jenkins cried as the children all gathered outside the school to wait for the bus.
The bus eventually pulled up and was completely fixed. Henry had been supplied with a new bus by the depot. The doors of the bus opened to show Henry downing a bottle of wine. He looked at the gang and said, "I love me smelly wine." Mrs Jenkins didn't seem to care that Henry was drinking on the job as she made her way onto the bus with the children following behind her. Lilly was stopped from getting on the bus as Henry asked, "got all your pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils...." "Oh not this again!" Timothy cried as Lilly ran onto the bus before Henry could go on any longer.
Henry began driving the bus at an immense speed. The bus was swaying violently from left to right as Henry struggled to keep the damn thing on the road. Mrs Jenkins didn't seem to notice as she was busy reading a newspaper about ducks walking into parking lots with guns asking for bread. That's when Timothy and Yoko decided that they had enough. "We've got to do something Timothy!" Yoko cried as Timothy responded with, "yeah but what can we do Yoko? Henry's gone bananas!" That's when Charles of all people got an idea. "How about we press the stop button! We could pretend that one of us is going to be sick!" Charles exclaimed at the top of his lungs. "That might just work." Timothy said as he stood up and pressed the stop button.
The bus came to an abrupt halt as Henry got up from his seat and walked over to Timothy and Yoko. "Who pressed that stop button!?" Henry asked but it did not sound like Henry. No sounded more harsh and crisp like a packet of cheese and onion crisps. "It was me Henry." Charles said while holding his tummy. He then continued with, "I need to get off the bus cause I'm gonna puke!" "I got a better idea." Henry said as he slammed his foot on Charles crushing him to death in the process. "What the fuck did you do that for Henry!?" Nora cried as Henry yelled, "no swearing on me bus child!" He then grabbed Nora and proceeded to throw her out of the window.
The episode then cut to a brief clip of Michael Caine crying before asking, "what have I done!?" He was sitting on a sofa with Prince Charming who said, "it was charming to be with you." Then it cut to show the Vegetable Man again who was out of his vegetable costume for once. He also looked proper miserable like some kind of Mr Parks. "Brother have you seen my vegetables? I think left them in Brandon's house I hate Brandon he is bloody smelly!" The Vegetable Man asked before then laughing a sinister laugh as the episode came back to normal.
The episode then came back to show that Henry was still driving the bus like mad. He had driven the bus onto a freeway. "We've got to take control of the bus." Fritz said as Timothy asked, "but how?" "Frank and beans!" Frank 2 said who was busy eating baked beans with Frank 1. Now those two deserve to be killed. Yoko meanwhile was busy looking out the window to see if someone could save them. She eventually saw an Indian man driving a truck who was riding alongside the bus. Yoko tapped her paw on the window, and wrote the words help on it using permeant marker." "Oh no you didn't!" The man cried as he began ramming his truck into Henry's bus. You see the words were upside down to the Indian man so the word 'help' became 'Shelp.' Shelp was the name of a goat which once plagued the man's stock back when he was selling lawnmowers to people back in India. This is why it had ignited such a violent reaction from the man.
Henry responded to the ramming by giving the man's truck one fatal hit which caused it to cruise right off the freeway into a ditch. "Good riddance." Henry muttered as he continued driving as if nothing even happened. He continued to drive down the freeway and opened his window in order to allow some salty sea air into the bus. Fritz then made a dive for the window only to get whacked across the face by Henry. "You want to go outside for some fresh air do ya punk?" Henry asked before throwing Fritz out of the window. "Anyone else?" Henry asked as everyone began crying over the loss of their friends. Even Doris cried which is every out of character for her. Well that's what I think anyway.
Upon getting off the freeway, Henry began speeding towards the bus depot. He crashed through the depot killing all the bus drivers in the process including Stan Butler who was just about to head home. He was lucky in the end though as his mother and sister had cooked him a smelly fry up. I mean proper smelly. It was greasier and nasty. Sorry if that put you off your lunch. To be honest I don't really care if it did or not. Anyways, Inspector Cyril Blakey the owner of the depot climbed in through the window and said, "Henry you're fired!" "Fired?" Henry asked as Blakey replied with, "yes Henry fired, You've killed and endangered God knows how many lives today with your recklessness. Face it Henry you've lost it completely."
Timothy and the rest of the gang were allowed off the bus while Henry and Mrs Jenkins were taken downtown by the cops who just so happened to be Sam and Max. Henry was sent to the local mental hospital where the front guard Gordy keeps a bear as a pet as we've already established if you've been reading the Bruno Tattagllia/Oliver Charles funnypasta guide. It's quite a read but like I say it's 45 pence. So fucking nick it if I were you. Meanwhile, Mrs Jenkins was given life in prison for her careless nature when she very easily could have put a stop to Henry's zany antics and fired him sooner. During her interrogation, Mrs Jenkins revealed that she had been taking advantage of Henry's recent insanity to get rid of her students as she long since grown tired of teaching children. She wanted to teach at the high school but those bastards at the school board said, "fuck you Mrs J." She was assigned to only teach Timothy and his friends. So when she noticed Henry was losing the plot she decided to use it to her advantage. That is one sadistic fox.
With Mrs Jenkins gone, Timothy's class was given a new teacher that being Mrs Appleberry. Meanwhile, the children were also given a new bus driver who was really just Hagrid without a beard. "You're a wizard Timothy." Hagrid would say every morning as the children made their way onto the bus. I think everyone rested a little easier now knowing that Henry was no longer a threat to them. With that, the episode ended with no credits instead cutting to a SICK clip which had a man with a potato sack over his head. He was holding a chainsaw as he yelled, "aaaaaaah!" He then charged at the screen. I slammed the laptop lid down as I heard noises coming from across the room. Something was coming to get me.
I grabbed my handgun which they allowed me to have at work for some reason. I then proceeded to throw it into my suitcase and I began making my way downstairs. The writers' office was on the top floor of the building so I tried using the elevator only to find that it was out of order. I raced downstairs as fast as I could. I eventually reached the exit, and darted through the parking lot towards a small forest area. I could hear grunting and running noises coming from behind me.
I crawled through the forest and hid behind an oak tree. I could hear something crawling beside me. I turned around to see none other than Henry himself crawling towards me. I grabbed my handgun and shot him five times in the chest but it had no effect. Henry opened his mouth. His buck teeth were as sharp as knives as he roared a mighty roar. He then asked in a demonic voice, "got all your pencils, pencils, pencils, pencils..." "NO!" I cried as I attempted to escape on foot.
This ended up proving to be futile as I tripped on a twig. Henry then leaped on top of me and proceeded to enjoy his next meal. After he was done; Henry rose up from my rotten corpse and said, "I could really use some cheese!"
As I lay here rotten on a forest floor I have this to say. There's a reason why some lost episodes are lost. They create demons like Henry. That's when I remembered something. The day after the first viewing of the episode, Eddie Pop went missing. He hasn't been seen since. If only I had known the true reason behind his disappearance. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so foolish.