I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! My life is actually a sad and terrible story; Hollywood isn't the most glamours place ever. Blame the media, the fake news media, to be exact. Don't move to Hollywood; you'll meet such weird people, and everything is expensive, liberalism opened the door. I moved to Hollywood, expecting the glam and fame to happen, but it sadly did not. Now I'm an intern, well, it's more of a waiter at Olive Garden and a cashier. This Olive Garden owns a VHS tape shop, so sometimes the tapes get inside the salads and lasagna.
I was waiting tables and giving out VHS tapes, when I saw a mysterious man sitting alone at one of the tables. I walked up to him and realized it was the most evil man in the world. The man, the myth, the legend! It was... Bradley Cooper. He was very stern and disheveled at the same time, giving me the evil eye. “I'd like some FUCKING breadsticks and a coke zero.” he asserted, in less than five minuets and seventy-six seconds, I returned with breadsticks and his drink. “Would you like soup or salad?” I asked, he quickly ate the breadsticks. “Salad.” he said, giving me the cold stare. Dude, why is he giving me an attitude?!
I came back with a bowl of salad, I began to toss the salad as I saw a VHS tape that was blended in with the lettuce and tomatoes. Bradley asked what that was, and I informed him that he could not have the VHS tape. He got very angry and demanded to give me the tape, and I told him no. He punched me in the face, and I fell backwards onto a table, the tape was still in my hand. “GIVE ME THAT TAPE YOU TWAT!!!” I quickly got up and roundkicked him in the head, knocking him and the tossed salad everywhere.
I ran fast out of my job like Cosmo Kramer to my crappy apartment. I took a deep breath and looked at the tape from my hands. “Lost Episode of Gossip Girl” it said with a comic sans front, I quickly put the tape in my brand-new VHS player, that I got for only $10 at GoodWill. I began watching the tape with a pack of Olive Garden breadsticks and a liter of diet coke, my diet since I'm too poor to afford things in California.
It seemed fine, nothing hyperrealistic was on the screen, it was in perfect 1080hp (which was strange because this is a VHS tape, so fuck logic) but instead of the valley girl voice, it was Peter Griffin!
“Hello Upper East Siders, Gossip Girl here with some juicy stories for today. What are ostriches? Why do these animals exist?” While Peter was narrating, there was footage shown of Ostriches. “Look at these goofy animals, they do absolutely nothing in this world! They put their heads in the sand, and they look very dumb! At least with birds like chickens, ducks, and turkey; their purpose is for us to eat and what do ostriches benefit? NOTHING. And you know what really grinds my gears? George the Ostrich! He absolutely does nothing with his life! He has no job, no income, and he mooches off of people! Just like with people in this capitalism society, they do nothing to the world! George the Ostrich, get a job like everyone else and stop being a freeloader! I do a lot in this world, and I work my ass off! Show me the facts and logic, send me the truth! And who am I? That's one secret I will never tell you. You know you love me. XOXO Gossip Girl.”
Well, that was totally useless, I've seen this show many times but how did the Ostriches make sense with gossip and juicy stories?
Anyway, the episode started off as normal, it was set in New York City. We see Serena van der Woodsen, played by Blake Lively, walking down the street looking very glamours and beautiful. Totally not jealous of her, of course. She entered a building, and she sees her best friend, Blair Waldof. They were talking, giggling, and hugging each other, typical girl stuff. Blair asked Serena if they wanted to go to the mall, and she said yes. As they were talking, a skeleton came up to them! Well, actually, it was Jenny Humphrey. She was a very skeletally thin and she had goth make up on. She looked like that type of person that would hiss at you, and I was starting to get uncomfortable about that.
Well, this show got weird, and I mean with its cuts and transitions. Every time a scene would end or move on, the Seinfield theme played, and it did not match the show at all. All of the sudden, it cut to a scene with Serena and her boyfriend, Dan Humphrey, on top of the World Trade Center. Uh... this show was made in 2007, and I'm starting to think that there was something EVIL about this tape!
It was a beautiful shot, they were slow dancing, kissing, and hugging. It was a romantic scene, but I was starting to get jealous.. but then I started to get creep out when I saw Jenny slow dancing with a actually skeleton. Such a romantic moment, until I saw something that made me have shivers down my spine.
The camera zoomed into in to Dan and Serena, Dan whispered into Serena ear and said: “Buck Strickland, forgive me for using propane for this!” He grabs a propane tank and knocks Serena off the World Trade Center; you don't see her fall off but you hear her scream and a boom noise. Another Seinfield transition happens and this time, it's just Serena and Blair as skeletons, they were wearing clothes and walking along the Manhattan Ave. But this was happening for almost 15 minuets, I smacked my VHS player so it could work but it made it cut to black. I stared at my reflection for five minuets when it cut to a globe logo with a count down of five seconds. A breaking news theme song was playing, and an unknown voice was heard.
“WHAT IS UP DRAMA ALERT NATION, I AM YOUR HOST: KILLER KEEMSTAR! LET'S GET RIGGGGHT INTO THE NEWS!!!!!”
Um, what the fuck is this guy????? I was watching my show!!! “HEY!” I screamed at my TV. “PUT THAT SHOW BACK ON!” He couldn't hear what I was saying, god I'm an idiot!
“Today is a special episode today, and I got a juicy story for you guys!” said Keemstar as he was sitting in a room with his laptop and microphone. “Today, Bradley Cooper was physically assaulted at an Olive Garden today, he will join us for a interview and later we will have a long discussion with George the Ostrich, about Ostriches. But let's get into the story about Bradley Cooper; he was physically assaulted by a waiter at Olive Garden. Bradley is on the phone with us right now, Bradley can you tell us what happen?”
Bradley coughs for a few minuets. “Yes, thank you Keemstar. You see, I went to Olive Garden because I am Italian and was hungry. I asked for my meal and the server roundkicked me in the head for no reason!!! I didn't do anything to deserve this. I'm struggling in Hollywood, and I don't need to be assaulted! Every god damn day, I feel disheveled and I can't handle this harassment anymore! I am planning legal action against this ginger son of a bitch!”
My eyes widen in shock, and I froze in terror, I had to quickly apply a Shaquille O'Neal icy hot patch in order to function. “Okay, that's it, I'm going to call the cops!” I said. Once that went through, I grabbed my wireless phone and called the police.
“911, what is your emergency?” said the operator.
“BRADLEY COOPER IS TRYING TO KILL ME AND HARRASE ME! I HAVE PROOF! PLEASE HELP! HELP HELP HELP HELP!” I said. There was silence until I heard that voice. It was Bradley, but he sounded like a white guy who was trying to act black. (I'm not racist!!!)
“YOU CALL THE COPS ON ME I WILL FIND YOU!!! YOU WILL NEVER BE FAMOUS LIKE ME!! YOU WILL NEVER GET AN OSCAR NOMINATION LIKE ME MOTHERFUCKER!!! I WILL GET MY REVENGE! I AM BETTER THAN YOU AND ANYONE ELSE. I AM NOT EVIL, I JUST WANT MY REVENGE!!! I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE AND YOU WILL SUFFER YOU GINGER FUCK!!! JUST! YOU! WAIT!!!” The phone call ended as I heard a hard knock on the door.
I opened my door, and I was hit in the face with a prosthetic leg, I fell to the ground with a nose bleed. It was Bradley and he tied my arms and legs up and dragged me to the living room. I was screaming like Homer Simpson and I began sobbing really hard.
I heard a noise and I looked up.
It was George Jetson. He broke into the roof of my apartment and instantly teabagged Bradley with his huge testicles Bradley fell to the ground disgruntled and knocked out. George untied me and gave me a big hug. “It's okay buddy. I'm here, don't you worry.” he said, calming me down. George was the hero and not the villain, and I was shocked.
He picked me up in my arms and carried me to the Ferrari convertible that had Urkel and George the Ostrich. We drove off to the sunset, just like in Thelma and Louise, but we didn't drive off a cliff. I'm confused with what's going on, and hoping that Bradley won't find me anymore. I just hope that man gets the help he needs, and I hope one day I can live that Hollywood life.
“Everybody comes to Hollywood
They want to make it in the neighborhood
They like the smell of it in Hollywood
How could it hurt you when it looks so good
I lost my memory in Hollywood
I've had a million visions
Bad and Good
There's something in the air in Hollywood
I tried to leave it but I never could
Shine your light now
This time it's gotta be good
You get it right now
Cause you're in Hollywood”
Let's all live the Hollywood life!!!