Written by the Mascot of the New Orleans Pelicans. If you're going to narrate his story, you could at least not credit it to 'Anonymous', and instead to the rightful author.
Do you remember that TV show, Futurama? Well, the show was created by Matt Groening as an intentional attempt at creating a family friendly sitcom that takes place in the future. What a lot of people don’t know is that there is a missing episode of Futurama that completely changes the show’s canon and contains some disturbing material that definitely WAS NOT family friendly.
It mostly started with characters that hear voices. Groening was hearing voices at this time in his career, along with producer David X. Cohen, so the production studios moved downstairs into the basement and eventually the sewer system of Fox Broadcasting.
See- Fox has an odd way of auditing episodes. They demand that each “screener pilot” is sent in a manila envelope and sealed using the saliva, which is tested in a DNA laboratory to ensure that either Groening or another high producer has personally licked the envelope. Matt Groening is supposedly a free mason and this is a common practice. Plus, Fox has all their saliva in the company’s body fluid archives, archives of the fluids, including the urine, blood, saliva and in some cases even semen of the producers.
Anyway, I initially required the VHS and know all of this after doing some research because I was given the VHS by accident- it was sent to the wrong address and I- an average, all around American Joe, just some guy you’d find on the street- Me. I received it. And what I saw shocked, confused and scared me.
The episode starts as normal, but it’s a twist ending that I did not expect. You see Philip J. Fry and the fellow cast members at the Planet Express HQ, but they seem different, sadder and more disturbed.
Dr. Zoidberg is missing his claws and is bleeding from his head. “No hands for zoidberg!” You see the muscles in his bleeding wrist sockets expand and contract, as the professor is shown cooking some delicious crab legs. Wait- those were his arms! Professor Farnsworth was cooking and eating Dr. Zoidberg’s hands. “Oh wait, these aren’t the hands I ordered.” You see him open a microwave in the Planet Express lounge and remove some slightly burned HUMAN HANDS. I shuddered, this was disturbing as all get out. “Wait a minute- these are human hands!” Professor Farnsworth is shown biting a finger off and spitting it out in horror.
Now the show was called Futurama as a deep metaphor, it being a futuristic drama. But what happened next shocked me to the core of my being and made me never want to watch this fine television program again. “Gadzooks!” Professor Farnsworth screamed. The other cast members are shown in the corner with their hands cut off, including Asian Amy Wong, Turanga Leela, Lord Nibbler and Captain Zapp Brannigan.
Fry looked really mad, but he was the only cast member who still had his hands. His eyes were glassy. “It’s bender! That robot- Bender. That. Robot.” This didn’t make any sense. You see his crooked finger point angrily at the robot in the corner, smiling, with a necklace full of severed human hands.
A HAND SCANNING MACHINE IS SHOWN IN THE BACKGROUND, WITH AN OUTLINE OF A HAND.
He starts to talk. “Dna Test. Dna test…” Indeed the hands were going into a weird, hand scanning machine. Benders right eye socket falls out revealing a hollow hole which blood or red oil pours out of. “I’m gonna kill your whole fucking family!” Bender picks up one of the hands and starts slapping himself in the face with it. He pointed at the camera…at me!
What happened next was truly frightening.
The professor is shown throwing the bodies into a smoke stack that burns them and creates heat energy for the Planet Express building.
He directs the Janitor to send in the next set of jewel-eyed miscreants, a more multicultural version of the futurama cast. They looked exactly the same except some were recolored and a few of them had their eyes reshaped to be more oval, square or hexagonal. What the fuck was this.
The futurama intro played as Dr. Farnsworth, disheveled, leads fry into the other room.
That was when Fry picked up a chair and threw it at bender, slamming it into his head. He screams and his eyes get scrambled, and you see a picture of a car crash and then a bird getting its neck brutally chopped off inside his eye, with highly realistic gore visible.
Bender picks up a knife, and instead of cutting off his best friend’s hand, saws off his own. “I’m not Bender.” He said, and in fact, he looked a little disheveled. “I’m cutter.” He gives the severed hand to Fry along with the severed hands of the cast members.
“none of this exists.” The robot says. “And not just because I’m a robot and you’re human, or this is a future, fry, fry. None of this exists… not because this is a cartoon or because we’re all dead or because professor Farnsworth cloned us from his semen…Fry. Fry.”
I was about to shut the tape off. What the fuck was I watching? This was a bunch of shit, no wonder Fox never aired this garbage, which is actually real, not a fake VHS, but real. All of this is real, and if you don’t believe me you can go fuck yourself.
Bender cut his own hand off, revealing a small saw inside one of his fingers he never showed on the show, along with a bottle opener, a gun, and a bunch of broken pieces of glass and metal inside his corroded innards. And that was when it happened, disturbingly enough Fry puts his hand out and Bender, now trusting his friend, allows his robot friend to cut his hand off, with blood, and what sounds like a real actor screaming, not the actor acting, but a human screaming because an organ is actually being sawn off. Blood is pouring as Fry stumbles across the rest of the dead bodies and the Asian, jewish, german and Hispanic versions of the new cast members, as he inserts his severed hand into the hand scanning device.
The door opens and Fry wakes up. You hear the futurama theme playing in a soft jingle in the background, so soft, just a little jingle.
“Fry, open your eyes.” A voice whispers.
That wasn’t a cryogenic freezing machine… it was a VR device. And though it felt as though twenty years had passed, fry had only been gone for twenty seconds. If you ever watched the original pilot episode, you remember that Fry originally got sent to the future in a cryogenic freezing machine. But it wasn’t a cryogenic freezing machine… at all.
“Someone’s been going around cutting off hands!” Fry said angrily. Dr. Farnsworth walked in, it was an older gentleman, but he was more realistically drawn. A plate of crabcakes lay in the background, along with an arcade machine featuring a cyclops character. The doctor sighed. “It was a love simulation.” He said, sighing. We saw you fall into the machine because it looked like nobody loved you, and nobody did, as far as we know.” He said. He continued. “We’d been watching you for years, that lonely pizza delivery man, not a friend in the world. So we wrote a simulation regarding the future. We gave you friends, we gave you family, we gave you a love interest, we even gave you an uncle that looked just like me.” He sighed. “But through it all, you never completed the simulation, you never did what we wanted you to do. You never found true love, Fry. And now it’s too late, and besides, it’s New Years.” You hear a lot of screaming and explosions outside as people start celebrating happy new years. Fry couldn’t get up because he appeared to be in the midst of a seizure or paralyzed.
“I could’ve turned the program off. I could’ve terminated your life or let you live the rest of your natural life in the Futurama simulation.” He said. “We knew that nobody loved you, or ever would. That’s why we gave you a love interest.” Turanga Leela played Peggy on popular family sitcom Married With Children. “But you failed. We gave you the entire fucking universe, and you failed. I don’t know what the fuck you thought that was, son.” The word “fuck” was not bleeped. “It was a love simulation. That was your one opportunity to find true love, and you failed.” “You’re not Dr. Farnsworth!” Fry said angrily, about to cry. “Aren’t I?” He held up his right arm, revealing that it had been cut off.
You see a crying pizza delivery boy ride a bicycle home in the pouring rain, Philip J. Fry from Futurama. The Futurama theme plays, but its slower, more somber, more drowned out, as the very average, very boring, very ordinary looking new York city background is shown, in highly graphic detail.