Dear lord, here we go again...
Now, this whole "Elmo's World Ü" series was starting to get on my nerves. Just two weeks before the new Sesame Street special came out on HBO Max, I was searching on the new special for said show. I noticed that somebody sent me a letter. Here's what it read.
Dear Ravyn Wyngburd
I've decided to make the third installment of Elmo's World Ü. This is to honor the upcoming Sesame Street special. My uncle works for HBO, and I'd thought maybe I'd recycle the entire plot for the new EWÜ. Don't tell anyone, and I mean, ANYBODY! Okay?!? This EWÜ installment is called "Elmo's New Crush".
Yours truly, ELMO!
PS; you're in for a big surprise tomorrow after you watch the whole video! >:D
There was a link to said video. I downloaded it. Once the movie finished downloading, I then loaded it into a USB, plugged it into my Samsung N53000 TV down into my basement, got comfortable on my sofa, grabbed a notebook and pencil, a Nintendo Switch (just in case the episode bores me I could just play a little Smash Bros. Ultimate - or maybe a remastered Wario Ware straight outta my Virtual Boy), and some food (consisting of a 7-11 Slurpee, a Voltage flavored Mountain Dew, steamed hams over at Wendy's, and three 99-cent tamale/nacho-crusted cheese tacos from Taco Bell. I'm actually Guy Fieri - no I'm not); and so I prepared myself and the video played.
The video began with a a weird promo for Nickelodeon cartoons which featured SpongeBob's weird face. He had 6 eyes that look like Craig Horky; but more awkward and chaotic. I'm guessing Sesame Workshop and Nickelodeon made a syndicate deal… Was that Noggin for some reason? I have no clue. Maybe it was some bootleg.
Regardless the next was a second and last commercial, which was for Papa John’s. We see Tails from Sonic X looking like he wanted to steal the pizza a la The Noid. Then the pizza became anthropomorphic and became more aggressive. The commercial became more weird as the pizza had a jawbreaker and it somehow segwayed into Ed Edd n Eddy, even featuring Sonic the Hedgehog being the pizza. Afterwards, The commercial ends with some announcer who somehow sounded like Quack from Peep and the Big Wide World. “Papa John’s. Better ingredients, better toilet humor. Watch out for the Papa John’s Destroyer. He will shoot your face.” This was followed by a ten second clip of...Big Bird vomiting on Cookie Monster whilst everybody else was beating each other up.
The video probably began with theElmo's World Ü title card with text on the bottom saying: "Episode 3 - Elmo's Crush" popped up, and the background was zooming around a desert. Elmo then popped up and said in his usual gangsta accent: "Guess who's back for the third time, bitches?" Afterward, he hops in his same shitty Beamer from the first installment, with Cookie Monster and Grover sitting on the backseats. Big Bird is on top of the car (because he's literally too big to fit). They all drive off, and the episode began with no music or rap introduction whatsoever.
It started with Elmo chilling in Hooper's Store, whilst a shitty Maroon 5 remix played in the background.
- Grover walked in the store, with Adolf Hitler's outfit, mustache, and accessories on.
- You think in this scene, he would have the same voice from the show. Hell, even the same voice where he yelled one of his signature catchphrases, "HELLO EVERYBODY!" Strange to announce, it's not the same voice. He actually sounded like a pissed-off white trash German.
- "VIJ HEIL ELMO, DO VU VANT TO GO TO ZE FARE? VE NEED TO FIND ZEZAME SCHTREET'S LOCAL VURREE HEER." he yelled as he ran to beat up Alan, the current owner of the store, as we hear realistic cries from him, and the former throws the latter across the window and landing on Big Bird's nest. Big Bird yelled "WHAT THE FUCK?". Cookie Monster appeared out of nowhere and threw two grenades at them respectively.
- I questioned if this was meant for kids. Elmo smiled like nothing was happening. Grover then says, "I VANT COOKEE MONZTERR TO MAKE ZE TREETS FOR DER FUHRER."
- I noticed right away that he said the leader in German, leading to the point that he may be related to the biggest genocidal maniac of World War II that killed millions of people, Adolf Hitler. But I know it's a common German word for leader as a whole, so I thought it was okay, and I sighed with relief.
- It then cut to the fair. It showed every single Sesame Street muppet from the last two episodes beating each other up, farting, throwing words, and arguing. What the fuck was wrong with this episode?!? What is this!??! I spat out one of my Taco Bell enchilada shell tacos just watching this scene unfold! The audio got louder and louder to the point where loud static noises started buzzing as my ears bled. Sadly, the worst has yet to come, because this-- what I've just witnessed-- wasn't the worst part of this episode.
- Elmo and Grover encounter Cookie Monster in his chef outfit.
- "WHAT THE FUCK!?!" Elmo screamed at Cookie Monster.
- Cookie Monster then says "I'M A PART OF THIS OFFICIAL FAIR, YOU RED SHITHEAD!"
- Elmo then yells at him, "I HEARD THAT COOKAE MURSAR HAS BEEN RELEASED FROM JAIL, YOU DIABETIC BLUE CLOWN!"
- Grover then says "Guys, please stop fighting!"
- Elmo screams at him, "WE DO WHAT WE WANT, LARGE NOSE!"
- Grover then punches Elmo. The latter recovers and walks into Cookie Monster.
- To add insult to injury-- and dear god, people will not believe me this as he took off his chef outfit just to put on his outfit from the famous 1987 rap "Healthy Foods" and Cookie Monster just turned into a Soundcloud rapper version of himself and as a shitty trap beat starts to play -- and trust me, I don't know what Sesame Workshop was thinking when they made this special, it ended up being a rap battle between Cookie Monster and Elmo. Funny, you think Cookie Monster himself would sing about cookies which became famous ever since 1971, and you may think he already rapped about eating healthy foods, and he even did the same song with Wyclef Jean, famous hip hop emcee. But now he's gonna do yet another song as a rap battle with a shitty trap beat playing as he dresses up as a Soundcloud trap-beat rapper?! I mean it's cool that he's getting hip with the times, I guess.
- Cookie Monster starts his first rap verse...
- "NOW I'M COOKIE MONSTER AND I'M HERE TO TELL Y'ALL
- MY RAPPING AND RHYMING IS HIGH CALIBER MILLION DOLLA BILLS Y'ALL
- ELMO YOU'RE AS FUCKIN' TRASH AS A SHITTY BODY PILLOW
- YOUR FANBASE A-FUCKED; YOU DESERVE HATE, RED GHETTO"
- Woah hol' up, they're still cursing!? Luckily I'm only in my house and not in a Christian Discord server or else I would ban the "frick" out of this video. Dicks! Also, nice of Sesame Workshop to shatter the fourth wall talking about the fanbase and its character shipping. But what the hell is this; is this how they vision rap battles? Did Matt Vogel himself see a rap battle in real life? Pfft.
Elmo was next to rap...
- "HEY DIABETIC PRICK, YO' DUMBASS SHIT I AIN'T IN THE MOOD
- I RHYME POETRY LIKE A FANCY STEAK RESTAURANT; YOU'S LIKE SHITTY FAST FOOD
- I'M THA MUTHAFUCKIN' CREATIVE KING OF SESAME STREET
- AND I'LL WHOOP YOUR ASS LIKE MY DADDY'S SPAGHETTI, FOOD-FEET"
- The rhyming and rhythm techniques from either Elmo and Cookie are horrible. This was the idea of a rap battle or a trap-style mumble rap?! To make the scene worse than its shitty rap battle, everybody from the fair accompanied with a bunch of colored Grover clones with slanted eyes appeared in the background watching the rap battle, and most of the clones were dressed up in many real-life dead rappers, such as Earl Simmons, Eazy-E, Biggie Smalls, Tupac, Nate Dogg, Run-DMC, Avicii, Ol' Dirty Bastard, DeShaun Dupree, Mobb Deep, XXXTentacion, ETC.
- Cookie Monster was next to rap with yet another shitty rhyme! What a shocker am I right? He rapped the following...
- "YOU AIN'T DANK NO MORE, YOU AIN'T DOWN TO HIT
- YOU AIN'T A GOOD FRIEND, BUT MORE A CUCKOLD DUMPED UP ATTENTION JIMSHIT
- THE ONLY THING THAT YOU CARE ABOUT IS A WORLD OF CREATIVITY HELL
- YOU'S SHITTIER THAN AN ENCHILADA/NACHO SHELL TACO FROM TACO BELL"
- Wait, how does he know about my tacos?! Not to mention I can hear sounds of banshee-growl cheering from the others except for Grover.
- Elmo was next...
- "YO BETTER WATCH YO FUCK-SELF; YO MUMBLE IS SHIT LIKE YER TRASH WAIFU
- YA CAN'T RAP ABOUT NUTRITION NO' MORE; YA CAN'T EVEN TRAIN SOME KUNG-FU
- SO GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE YA SELF-CENTERED CANNIBALISTIC SATANIST
- THIS SICK-ASS BEAT'S A FAGGOT, AND YOU'S A JARED FOGLE-GUZZLED RAPIST"
- This all offends me; triggers me more than any special snowflake SJW's over at Tumblr and Twitter; he said faggot (it's bad enough that there is too much cursing in a preschool public television program--let alone in this rap scene). Though at least he and Cookie are seen smoking some cigars over in Britain referred as "faggot," so I sighed in relief that they were only referring cigars as faggots. But no, the screaming got louder and louder; more static ringing noises were heard; my ears bled in horror to the point where I could barely hear anything anymore. The volume of each screams were cranked up to 50 that I can feel my seats shaking. I thought there was a cracklin' earthquake in a middle of this horrible test screening theatre. I had to run out until suddenly, both Elmo and Cookie Monster stared at my glaceing soul with their vulgar, violent, disheveled, photo-realistic bloodshot eyes without even any hints of blinking; Elmo had a sinister smile showing his razor-sharp knife-shaped teeth; and he violently threatened out this command to me, "If you complain about this episode, I will jump out the screen and force you to join the army. You don't want that to happen... do you?! Huh?! Do you, Mr. Ravyn Wyngburd the five-hundred-and-seventy-sixth?!" Wha-- how does Sesame Workshop know my name?!
- As everything resumed normally, Grover kicked their asses, and said: "I HAD ENOUGH WITH YOU TWO!"
- Elmo then walks out...but what he saw, was a blue female wolf designed in the style of Sonic the Hedgehog. It was love at first sight.
- Elmo then says "Oh my god, she is absolutely adorable! But what kind of furry like that fall for a stupid muppet like me?"
- He then noticed there was a red light in her forehead, and he realized someone was pointing a gun at her.
- "WATCH OUT!" he screamed, as he Naruto-styled ran into her and pushed her into the grass, making the shooter miss the objective.
- "Hey... did you just save me?" the wolf said.
- "Yeah, someone tried to shoot you." Elmo said.
- "But who would want to kill me?" she asked.
- "Me, that would be" said a recognizable voice, and the shooter turned out to be Yoda from Star Wars, who dropped off the tree he was hiding in with a M4 carbine in his hands.
- Why the fuck was he in Sesame Street?
- I think this was a different version of Yoda, actually, the Yoda from those YouTube channels that do voice impressions, one example being Kent Mansley, since that version of Yoda hates and killed furries.
- "Who the fuck do you think you are to kill furries?" Elmo said aggressively at Yoda.
- "The slayer of evil, I am" Yoda said.
- "Evil, you say? Don't make me laugh" Elmo said.
- "Get rid of her, I must. Join me, you should" offered Yoda.
- "I think you should go back to school since your grammar is fuckin' lame!" said Elmo.
- "Rejected your only chance, you have. Lose your life, you will" Yoda said, pointing his gun at him when some weird orange energy sparks appeared in front of him and Tails Doller, a Tails Doll "OC" appeared.
- "Ayo, mofo, ya though ya could take lifes? Go back to ye'r swap, moldy ass" he said.
- "Teach you a lesson, I will" he said.
- They started fighting. Yoda was shooting him but TD dodged the bullets teleporting. TD attacked him with rings that did actual damage.
- "Fuck this." said Yoda, as he pulled out a knife and ran into him, but TD screamed "CRIMSOM BLAST", emiting a shock wave so strong he sent Yoda flying miles away.
- "We don't have enough time, grab onto me, I'll put you in a safe place!" he said, as they teleported to Elmo's house.
- "How the fuck do you know where I live?" Elmo asked.
- "I saw it on your Discord profile" TD replied.
- "Fuck, I forgot to delete it" said Elmo, when suddenly, a character looking like Elmo with Groucho Marx's cosplay and with an angry german accent came in and yelled: "Nein vay, mozerfucker! Vu can't get pack to zee houze Himmediadely! Mein name is mein name."
- "Ze fuck do yer want, copycat? We yust eskaped from a green moldy azz" said TD.
- It cut to Bert and Ernie in their apartment.
- Ernie said "Bert, I'm really sorry for everything I've made you go in through over the years. I promise, this will never, and I mean NEVER happen aga-"
- Bert flipped the light switch on.
- Suddenly, a fucking crowd of hookers BURST down the doors whilst twerking at Bert. The loudest, most obscene rap song I had EVER heard began to play as fucking confetti erupted from the ceiling.
- "OH, FUCK!" Ernie screamed with TERROR.
- A conga line of strippers burst into the room followed by 50 bags of cocaine.
- "WHAT THE FUCK, you DICK?" Bert SCREAMED.
- "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FLIP THE FUCKIN' SWITCH!" Ernie hollered.
- "Who WAS supposed to flip the fuckin' switch, you SON OF A BITCH?"
- "ME! After your SKANK ASS LEFT!" retorted Ernie with ferocity.
- I was horrified. What was with the depiction of Ernie as some fucking FIEND?
- Then, Bert did the unthinkable.
- He picked up a fucking AK-47.
- "I'M-A TAKING THE SPAGHETTI PARTY DOWN, YOU HANKFUCK!"
- What the HELL was a "hank fuck" anyway?
- "HOLY SHIT, BERT, NO!" Ernie screamed.
- Suddenly, Bert started shooting EVERYTHING in the apartment as a bunch of Anything Muppets came in and started screaming like banshees as a computerized voice said "We interrupt your regularly-scheduled video to give you the most important video known to man".
- The opening of the children's learning program Starfish Cove then appeared at an ungodly loud volume.
- We open on Bloo on the beach. He was just kinda sitting there, with what looked like dried blood all over him. One of the first things I noticed was that this was definitely more modern animation. The movement was much cleaner, and the art style was strangely resemblant of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure. I was expecting a logo to appear any minute, but instead, the screen blacked out to the fucking Wii Glitch noise and the words "Bloo vs. Mental Health" appeared in yellow comic sans.
- What the fuck? Bloo vs. Mental Health?
- We suddenly cut to what appeared to be a scene from 'The Purge'. I thought whoever was controlling this broadcast must have accidentally switched the video or something.
- This was not the case.
- Suddenly, several men in Krum masks (y'know, Krum the Starfish Cove character) with creepy black eyes appeared and started setting a fucking car on fire to some HORRIBLE Indian rap song.
- That wasn't supposed to be in 'The Purge'.
- I heard distant snickering as the scene changed back to animation.
- We see the Krum, but it was a HORRIFICALLY racist caricature of an Asian Krum with slanted eyes and massive teeth. He looked like he fused with Ratafak Plachta as he came dancing out to the Slovakian-dubbed version of “When You Got It, Flaunt It” from the Producers musical.
- He started singing along, but it was barely understandable. It sounded like he was singing in made up toddler screech SHIT.
- I could have sworn the scene was randomly changing from animation to a guy in a suit, as sometimes he would scream a random Chinese word and his face would look incredibly plastic. He started laughing like a fucking Muppet and yelling something in Spanish as tacos rained from the screen and he emerged from the taco pile with a sombrero and maracas as some shitty Mexican horn music played.
- What the fuck?
- Bloo then appeared in FULL JoJo style, running in a rapid speed as fuckin' Giorno's Theme played. Suddenly, he tripped and fell on one of the rocks as the background changed to a real life nuclear bomb exploding and "Keep Christmas with You" from Christmas Eve on Sesame Street began playing in a minor key.
- Officer Crabihan began to read off the Wikipedia pages of several horrific real-life events as the screen turned red.
- What was this shit? Was this someone's idea of a sick joke? Or did someone at Grand Design Productions just lose their fucking marbles and make this pile of steaming ass fat?
- We see Vito, but he's on one of those shows about basically being too fat to live. We see him try to get in bed before it breaks everywhere.
- "FUCK!" he yelled. "ASSOCIATE! GET THE FUCK IN HERE, I JUST BROKE THE FUCKING BED!"
- Sammy Calamari, his associate, walked in muttering "Shit!" over and over again under his breath.
- The sudden swearing caught me off guard. This was fucking Starfish Cove for crying out loud.
- We then see a picture of what looked like fucking Bob Marley with a massive joint in his mouth before the scene cut to Zozo doing a triple backflip and saying "Ah yes, I am beauty incarnate. I am a narcissist."
- Guiseppe appeared and said "I am the master of time itself" in an obviously computerized voice.
- The Krum appeared and began ranting about his incredibly high IQ in Chinese.
- Why the fuck was the Krum Chinese?
- We then see Bloo getting in a car with the rest of the cast. The animation and art style suddenly changed to the original look.
- Bloo pulled out a map and said in a rather average American male voice "Alright, where we goin for food?"
- One by one, everyone in the car said McDonald's until it got to the Krum.
- "P.F. Chang's." said the Krum in barely understandable dialect. The audio quality of the part was really loud and shitty.
- Bloo turned the car off, started talking in a voice that was so fucking distorted I couldn't even make out what he was saying, and then, the camera cut to a real car with a guy in a Krum suit getting smashed through the power door.
- Chinese credits rolled.
- What.....the fuck?
- Elmo then appeared on-screen and said
- "Did you enjoy that, kids?"
- No. No I FUCKING didn't.
- It then cut to Elmo and the blue wolf's wedding.
- For absolutely no fucking reason. Perhaps this might've been when Elmo proposed to that wolf off-screen while the Starfish Cove shit was playing.
- We see them reading their vows, while all the other main Sesame Street muppets were sitting in the pews, all dressed in black.
- The wolf went first, delivering a beautiful vow as string music played.
- Then the audio quality went to absolute SHIT and the video turned to fucking Chinese cam leak quality as....
- Oh fuck no, not this again....
- ...as Cookae Mursar ran out of his seat, interrupted Elmo's vow, kicked him in the balls, knocked over the priest down the floor, and began to dance and sing "Give Your Heart a Little Time" from the 2010 When Families Grieve initiative. It was shaky and extremely echoey and distant, like he was taking a shit in a fucking graviton. It sounded like ass.
- It also sounded like my uncle Ned having a fucking aneurysm.
- He SCREAMED "AND WHEN THE TIME IS RI-" before a fucking FOUNTAIN of red meat exploded out of his mouth all over the altar.
- My Chemical Romance suddenly burst through the doors and began playing a horrible hard rock cover of the bridal chorus.
- "I got you MCR, little Elmo!" yelled Cookae Mursar as Elmo burst into tears.
- "I FUCKING HATE THAT BAND, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Elmo SCREAMED at an UNGODLY loud volume as the video quality turned so fucking bad it looked like someone drawing shapes in infrared cement.
- This did not deter Cookae Mursar nor the wolf.
- "Time for the wedding gifts!" Cookae SCREAMED in a tone that could only be described as evil.
- He started unwrapping Elmo's gift; a fucking back scratcher and moaning before the wolf opened a fucking BOMB and screamed.
- Elmo then whipped out a gun and cocked it up against Cookae Mursar.
- "IT'S OUR FUCKING WEDDING, YOU HANKFUCK!"
- I have no idea what a "hankfuck" is, but apparently, Grover does.
- Cookae started unwrapping a book called "Why Big Bird's Anger Is Bigger Than The Sleeping Bear Dunes" and laughing and throwing up gang signs before waking up in the fucking psych ward strapped to a table.
- "Oh SHIT.....oh...FUCK!" Cookae MursarSCREAMED as he realized where he was.
- We then see Elmo's father coming home from work and yelling at his son to quote "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, ELMO?" before kicking down the door to his room with the force of a fucking bomb and yelling "Hey DOO DOO, turn the fuckin' volume down, jackass!"
But it's not Elmo in the room.
It's FUCKING COOKAE MURSAR AGAIN, sitting in a fuckin' spinning chair watching p*rn on the computer.
Cookae Mursar once again had a deep, angry gang member's voice as he said "Hohohoho..Oh.....SHIT......oh, YEAH" before looking at the Dad and mockingly yelling "HEY DOO DOO, TURN THE FUCKIN' VOLUME DOWN, JACKASS!" back at him.
Louie pulled out a fucking rifle and shot Cookae Mursar, bursting fucking blood everywhere for some reason.
Then the Sesame Street sign exploded.
When the smoke cleared, the sign, which barely even looked like a fuckin' sign now, had been turned into a bunch of evil Elmo heads smoking cigarettes and a poorly-drawn V up their eyes.
This scene then changed to Cookae- oh for FUCK's sake-
Cookae Mursar driving a fucking 18 wheeler through a public park and barreling over trees, pedestrians, and the fucking playground.
"OH SHIT, OH YEAH!" Cookae yelled in an loud, deep gang member's voice which was apparently his fucking catchphrase considering he did this every damn time.
Suddenly, Cookae's truck fucking broke down as he fell out of the window and the fucking cops appeared, pulled him into a squad car, and arrested him.
We see Cookae Mursar in court.
Cookae fuckin' SCREAMED as the judge began to charge him for drunk driving, premeditated homicide, possession of firearms, possession of drugs, racketeering, kidnapping, assault and battery, arson, burglary, grand theft auto, fraud, blackmail, embezzlement, money laundering, tax evasion, cyber crime, vehicular assault, drug trafficking, attempted murder, rape, child abuse, domestic violence, extortion, identity theft, wire fraud, vandalism, and insurance fraud.
Mayo and Rejo then BURST into the courtroom and asked quote "what the spinning fresh FUCK" was going on.
Then the fucking Motorettes from the Hoobs came SMASHING into the courtroom with fuckin' MASSIVE tanks and blew the judge's fucking head clean off as it went flying across the room like a fucking football.
We then see Cookae Mursar hacking into the Chuck E. Cheese televisions and loudly announcing that "Hong Kong '97" will be released to the XBOX 360, XBOX One, XBOX One X, the PlayStation 5, the Nintendo Switch, and Oculus Quest. He then started screaming like a fucking banshee and whooping his ass with a belt until the microphone cut out and a fucking SWAT team BURST down the door, threw bottles of gas with a fucking skull and crossbones on the employees, and arrested Cookae Mursar. AGAIN.
The Government then puts Cookae Mursar on the fucking No-Fly list for life.
What was the fucking rationale for making these fucking movies? Was someone actually proud of this shit?
Cookae then whips out a fucking AirTronic GS-777, breaks out of FBI custody, gets in a fucking armored truck, drives off, and begins to repeatedly sing
"Roses are red
Love is fake
Humanity was a fucking mistake"
...in the Gardening aisle of some fucking Lowes store before someone calls security.
We then see Elmo again. He was building some massive structure in what looked to be a warehouse. He kept laughing and jerking weirdly, like he wasn't all in there, if you know what I'm saying.
We see some weird fucking flashback of Elmo and Grover fighting, which started a huge fucking brawl in Sesame Street, in the style of fuckin' Robot Chicken.
The next scene was Bert and Ernie talking about how their fucking thumbs looked like the little Among Us guy.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Ernie then hid in a fucking trashcan just to burst out of it and yell "YO, WHEN THE RUBBER DUCKIE IS SUS!"
Are you FUCKING kidding me?
Then, there was a scene of Big Bird giving a fucking PSA on how many New Yorkers are murdered every September 11th, starting from 2001. He went on and ON on this fucking DIATRIBE about shit I just did NOT fuckin' care about before fucking shilling for a fruit chews company at the end.
The next scene was just Eminem rapping but every word was "Ü", followed by an edited scene from IT where Pennywise turns into Super Grover and kicks an elderly man in the balls.
My television suddenly took a fucking picture of me as Elmo walked out and started scribbling tattoos and facial hair and shit onto my face.
As usual, I was in utter FUCKING SHOCK. I have seriously FUCKING had it with this SHIT.
We then cut to a random scene of Elijah (y'know, Elijah, one of the newest Sesame Street characters) BURSTING into the middle of the Neighborhood song from the show "Oobi" and rapping about people having huge brawls at Chuck E. Cheese.
Suddenly, this creepy-ass red smoke started filling the screen as Grampu started maliciously grinning, pulled out a laptop, and began to read off the credit card data of hundreds of HBO Max subscribers while more horror music played.
Oobi started repeatedly slamming Grampu's head into the computer to try and make him stop, but it was too late.
A guy in a HUGE SpongeBob suit came SMASHING through the back wall like the fuckin' Kool-Aid-Man, grabbed Grampu, and dragged him off stage.
I've had enough, so I immediately stopped the video, closed the video player, because honestly I think that's enough weirdness for today.
Curiosity got the best of me, though. A few weeks of sleepless nightmares involving furries and the collective work later, I decided to not learn what the tape had on it. I mean, It was just a video file, right? It’s not like when things happen in these stories and then later it really happens in real life. I mean that never happens in these stories right?
I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror.
“Elmo.” I said. He showed up immediately. He thought I couldn’t see him there, but I could. “Elmo!” I said it a second time and he started to move closer. I decided not to say it a third time. I know what you’re thinking. I should have, right? Well, instead I made a sandwich. “We suggest you try a healthier choice!” A voice similar to Elmo whispered outside the door out of nowhere. I mean it was him, he was right there, in the corner. Though I still couldn't see him.
He hadn’t even appeared. I found out that there was a camera installed under my desk and… that Elmo. He was inside a white van with red sprayed text saying “FUCK BALLS” outside had been stalking me.
I sighed, loudly. I ate my sandwich and went to bed. And when I woke up the next day, they were all there. Yes, I know, you’re tired of this, well so am I.
All of the famous Sesame Street characters were all in my house. Cookie Monster was using my VCR player to watch a BIZARRE Toy Story Movie with Biff and Sully, Grover was using my coffee machine, and Count Von Count was playing with my Jenga blocks.
The eyes of the many Sesame Street characters peered at me, stopped immediately, and began to sing.
And began. To. Sing.
Broccoli, asparagus, bananas, pears...
Big Bird: Go straight to the fridge and I’ll meet you there!
Coconuts, peaches, plums, bananas.
We can even eat them in an African savannah!
Celery, asparagus, corn and broccoli too
We already mentioned broccoli and bananas but they both are so good for you!
You have to grow, 'cause as you can see,
You really have to eat foods that are healthy!
Cookies, cakes and pies will also make
your gut and stomach swell!
Grover: I’m so hungry I could eat fruit salad, any way I will!
Thanks for listening to our healthy tale!
Now let’s all eat a great big bowl of...kale!
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I yelled. “What the hell are you all doing in my house anyway? What even is this, a hoax?” Grover then walked to a bowl of cereal with French toast and baby sausage links. “You know what they say, healthy habits for life are the earth's best way to grow!” He attempted to dive into the bowl of cereal in a cartoon fashion, but instead cracked his head on the bowl and table and fell on the floor with an apparent concussion.
“There you are, hippie.” I leered up to see, horrified, that Elmo, the star of this series, was sitting next to me. “Keep your healthy habits in your pants, you sick fuck.”
I picked up the kitchen knife.
“We’re frightening you thin.” Elmo said. “We want to scare you so much that you simply cannot eat another bite of keish, pie or baked potato with sour cream.”
“By dangling your ballsack in my face?!” I screamed.
Elmo sneered at me. “Pears.” He held up two ripe pears. “They were pears, you sick fuck. Get your mind out of the fucking gutter.”
Bert and Ernie then walked in. They both sprayed V8 all over me, revealing that all of the blood in the lost episodes was just tomato juice.
Now that I thought about it, it all made sense. I mean really think about those lost episodes. Wasn’t there a severe prevalence of food in all of them.
Elmo then said, “See, that’s why we used skeletons. What’s thinner and healthier than a big, bony skeleton?”
Cookie Monster opened up a can of peanuts similar to how he opens up a can of whoop-ass on a regular basis.
“You see there, friend? This whole Elmo's World Ü thing was a thought. A vagrant thought, a useless thought, left to wander forlorn among the empty eternities. Always remember this, healthy habits for life are the earth's best way to grow, and beyond!”
I was quite surprised, it was all just entertainment. I'd thought maybe talking about people beating up each other with Metro Station songs playing can be funny and hilarious.
I have changed for the better. I now find the series entertaining and funny, despite creepy shit happening all over the series.
But that doesn't matter anyway. Happy Halloween, friends!
(....or is it?)