Despicable Me ∞: The Infinite Wrath of Gru
Movies are everywhere.
Not just in the sense that they've become a big part of our culture, but you can also BUY movies just about everywhere you go.
There's movies in the grocery store. There's movies at the library. There's probably movies at the fucking truck stop.
My nephew is obsessed with movies. He's not your typical kid that wants to play video games or sports all day. No, this kid can't get enough of cinema. He lives a pretty normal life, he's got good grades and quite a few friends (who he invites to watch movies with him pretty frequently), but he spends most of his weekends watching films basically the whole damn time.
I'd say he's a pretty mature kid for his age, and he's watched some stuff that other 13 year olds probably haven't. But like most kids (and adults, let's not lie to ourselves here) he loves animated movies.
For whatever reason, he's obsessed with Despicable Me. I don't even know why, considering the 3rd Despicable Me film fucking sucked in my opinion, but I guess the first two were pretty good.
Anyway, back to my original point about movies being everywhere. My nephew and I get along pretty well, and I took him to the library to pick up some books, because, y'know, books are good, but in less than 20 minutes, he finds a part of the library with, you guessed it, movies.
In the corner of the library was a massive bin full of books and movies that were just kind of thrown together. The library was selling them at $3 each, meaning whatever you bought, you could keep.
I decided I'd let him get a movie or two if he'd come pick out some books with me after.
He then got REALLY excited about something he found, and guess what it was- another fucking Despicable Me movie.
This actually confused me. When the fuck did a new Despicable Me movie come out? I know there was that 'Minions' spin-off, but my nephew had already seen that, there wasn't a 'Despicable Me 4' or anything, not at the time of this writing, at least.
Even that wasn't as weird as the movie itself. The cover was just some low-resolution image of Gru standing in front of a massive infinity sign, among with the title:
Despicable Me ∞: The Infinite Wrath of Gru
The fuck was this supposed to mean? Were there Infinite fuckin' Despicable Me movies now?
I quickly did a Google search for "Despicable Me Infinity" but nothing came up.
The movie I was currently holding in my hand, by all accounts, didn't exist, and yet here it was, for only 3 dollars.
At this point I was too curious to pass it up. I bought the movie and gave my nephew an extra 50 bucks to let me keep it. 50 bucks is a lot to a kid, and so he agreed, although he made me agree to let him see it eventually.
Unfortunately, I don't know if I can keep that agreement.
See, after I got back to my place, I tried playing the DVD, but the only thing that could read it was my computer's disk compartment for some reason.
Eventually, I got the movie to play.
The Universal Studios played, with the logo circling around the planet as usual, but suddenly, a fuckin' basketball smacked into it, causing the logo to start crashing into the fucking Earth.
This cut to EXTREMELY graphic real life footage of the letter E smashing into the fucking Turks and Caicos Islands, causing them to fucking sink into the water as people started screaming and making gurgling sounds.
We then see the rest of the letters striking the fucking Earth to loud screaming. One scene involved a guy with a telescope looking at the sky, when suddenly he sees the fuckin' U flying towards the Earth.
This entire scene was accompanied by what sounded like Gru laughing before the title "Despicable Me" appeared in some shitty generic yellow font that looked like some 3-year-old made it, considering it was too big for the fucking screen.
The fuck? I know movie studios like to do funny things with their logos sometimes, but that was just horrifying.
We then see Gru standing in front of a long sheet of dough, as if he was going to make pizza crust or something.
"Infinite Crüst". Gru said in his bizarre accent as he started into the screen.
Gru started making the crust and muttering "these fucking gorls and their fucking stuffed crüst. Every day they ask for stuffed crüst. I will make the never ending crüst. Infinite crüst."
Damn, Gru cursed now? As weird as this was, I figured it'd probably sell for good money on the internet, if nothing else. I assumed this weird fuckin' crust monolouge was referencing the scene from the first movie where Gru's adopted daughters ask him for pizza with stuffed crust.
Gru started inexplicably loading the stuffed crust into some kind of crust gun.
"Ah, yes, the crüst-inator. In crust we trust."
Gru then went upstairs to talk to his adoptive daughters, Agnes, Margo, and Edith.
"Here is your breakfast, gorls. It is crüst."
The girls cheered and SCREAMED "CRÜST!" in what sounded like a man's voice at 3 different pitches.
Gru then looked at his crust gun.
"There is still so much crüst. I must use the infinite crüst".
Gru then went outside and fucking ANNIHILATED his neighbor's house with crust.
"ANOTHER ONE BITES THE CRÜST!" he screamed.
Ok, I'll admit it, I fucking lost it at this.
The Despicable Me theme song started playing, but the lyrics were wrong.
Instead of the usual rap lyrics, someone started rapping this instead:
"I'm drinking a bad, bad beer
Tastes like SHIT, what the FUCK is in this brewski?
The integral of 1 is z
Uh, Despicable Me"
Followed by some shit in Portuguese that I couldn't fuckin' understand.
Gru's nose then elongated 60 fucking feet and smashed somebody's car windows.
Shit, what the fuck WAS this movie?
Gru then walks past a fucking GameStop store advertising the game Need for Speed.
"Need for Speed? What about LUST FOR CRÜST?" he SCREAMED as he ERADICATED the GameStop with his fucking crust gun.
Yeah, I definitely wasn't letting my nephew watch this. This completely ruined his favorite film franchise. I mean, it made Despicable Me 3 look like a fucking Scorsese film in comparison!
Why the fuck was Gru evil again? Wasn't he supposed to me more of a good guy now? Also, the fuckin' crust jokes were getting REALLY excessive at this point.
Gru then walked into a fucking group therapy session and sat down.
"Hello, I am Gru" he said, completely fucking interrupting the entire meeting.
"Dude, what the FUCK is wrong with your FUCKIN' nose?" someone randomly asked Gru, as everyone started laughing.
"I don't know, what's wrong with your FUCKIN' CRÜST?" Gru SHRIEKED as he fired crust everywhere.
We then see Gru return to his lair to talk to his minions.
"MËËNYÖNS!" he yelled, as the strange yellow creatures appeared.
The minions kept coming and coming.
"You have all been very good minions. Now eat your crüst."
"CRÜST!!" screamed the Minions.
Well, all of the Minions except one.
"Minion Larry, why are you not eating your crüst?" Gru asked.
The Minion, who's name was apparently Larry, graphically fucking EXPLODED.
That almost made me turn the fucking PC off.
We then see Gru helping Margo with her math homework, which was a pretty normal scene, but his eyes kept fuckin' shrinking little by little until they disappeared, which REALLY fucking horrified me.
Eyeless Gru then turned directly towards the viewer and said
"I can count past Infeenety"
Before fuckin' speaking in tongues at a HORRIFICALLY high volume. It sounded like he was reciting a fucking chant backwards, which apparently was counting past infinity somehow.
Margo acted like this was just normal for some fucking reason as Gru began to slam his head into her fucking homework, knocking pencils everywhere and smashing a desk light.
I figured my nephew probably would find some shit like this funny.
The scene then inexplicably cut to Gru at some shitty local movie theater with a couple of random fucking Minions.
"3 tickets to Crüst", Gru says.
The movie theatre obviously wasn't playing some fuckin' Crust movie, and Gru got told to quote "get the fuck out, jackass", which was kind of harsh, but the movie theatre employee was clearly REALLY fucking pissed for some reason.
Gru then LEAPT over the counter, pulled down his pants, and took a shit in the popcorn machine before turning it on and blowing popped shit everywhere.
"WHERE'S MY SHIT, you TIT?" he SCREAMED, which was so damn loud it caused my computer to fucking black out.
"I WANT MY FUCKING TEECKITS!" Gru yelled as fucking colored bars started filling the screen and everything froze.
I eventually got my screen to turn back on, but my antivirus started making fuckin' air siren noises as it detected a fucking virus called crust.exe trying to fucking uninstall my entire hard drive.
I yanked the fucking disc out and threw it.
Whatever the FUCK this was, I was done with it.
I sent Illumination an e-mail titled
"What the fuck, ASSHOLE???????????????" and sold the disc on eBay for, like, a lot of fuckin' money.
Remember, Dear viewer,
If you're ordering pizza, just get the fucking thin crust.