Hey guys. Yeah, I’m talking to you fellas. Wanna hear a story of a lost episode of Cheers? Too bad, I’m telling you this story anyway, because it was real! If you’re living under a rock, which I assume all of you in the internet age, with you hashtag tweets, your face in your book, and your frightening stories on how you investigate lost episodes to TV shows, are already under a rock, you probably missed out on the realms of ‘80s sitcoms. One being the critical acclaimed, Cheers. A story of a lonely restaurant owner, Sam Malone, hired Diane Chambers to be a waitress, and Ernie to be his bestest friend. It was a great show, unlike your shows where it’s all Office-y, and how there’s a sitcom of stereotypical nerd culture! Ha, fuck yo thoughts!
Anyway, why am I telling you this? Well, remember the part where I said that people are stuck in the internet age, and one of them is a group of people talking about lost episodes? Well, I was one of them.
I work for NBC Universal; NBC pretty much aired this show. I was hired as a janitor, because I had no life, no friends, nothing. I just wasted my time in elementary school dressing up as Spiderman for show-n-tell, always talking about how I could be the next Michael Jackson. Well that shit failed! So I was told from boss to sweep the floors from the NBC News vaults, though some of them weren’t news VHS tapes, rather they were episodes of Seinfeld. Little did I know, I discovered something groundbreaking, and in some cases, scary. What was it? A VHS tape of the lost Cheers episode. Who knew this was coming?
At first, I questioned why that episode was placed between Seinfeld episodes and newsreels, but then I was so pumped up, I ended up having the best boner of all time! I mean, this is Cheers, for Christ’s sake! It has to be good! So, I rushed to find a VCR and a TV, just to take a break from being janitor, and so, I put on the VHS tape onto my VCR, and anticipated with extreme excitement! Although, that was a mistake.
Instead of the usual intro playing, the intro was replaced by Arabic writing, and the song, instead, was the distorted version of Autumn in New York by Frank Sinatra. The Cheers logo appeared, but it seemed to be written in old-school Mountain Dew font. I didn’t know that NBC purchased the rights to or sponsored Mountain Dew for this episode, but I pressed on. The copyright appeared, with the year 1988, though it is weird, considering that TV shows usually have credits and copyright dates at the end of each episode. Though I assume that this was a Season 5 or 6 episode.
The episode starts… well, rough. We see Sam in the bar, but looking unusual. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Ooh! Sam looked disheveled and hyper-realistic, that he had bloodshot eyes.” Actually, he looked worse! He looked like he was stuck in hell for so long, that he was ready to commit suicide, due to his extreme depression! Ernie then enters the bar, but it looked like he was more terrified than anything! He told Sam that he needs to turn on the TV, because something terrible is happening! He turned on, and it looked like modern day news footage of the torture ring in Iraq, where the terrorist groups, and Saddam torture a lot of Americans! Keep in mind, the footage came out in 2003, while this episode was made in 1988, 15 years earlier. It was still shocking! Sam’s reaction was so disgusting, it seemed like his head was about to explode! To make matters worse, waitress Diane Chambers was one of the people seen tortured in the ring!
Diane screamed, “Please Sam! Help me! I don’t wanna die!”
Sam got really scared at this point. His heart pounded hard, and it seemed like he had a heart attack! That’s not the most shocking part, though.
To add insult to injury, Sam was actually revealed as a Muslim working for Al-Qaeda and ISIS. “Allahu ackbar!” screamed Sam, as he grabs his rifle gun, and shot Ernie in disbelief. He then terrorizes the audience members watching this show! “I’ll save you now, Diane.” Muttered himself. I felt shocked. This didn’t look like a 1988 episode! I stopped the tape, I didn’t wanna continue more of this trainwreck.
All of the sudden, I hear gunfire and screaming at the NBC building. Somebody knocked on the door. I didn’t want to answer, because, who knows, it could be a cat burglar. Wait, are cats really thieves? I opened it anyway… it was Sam the terrorist. Without a second of thought, he shot me in the head, and he cheered me, and drank ‘80s Mountain Dew.
And that’s why the show was called, Cheers.