Written by Diddley Pipsqueak. If you're going to narrate this and piggyback off of his celebrity, you could at least properly credit it to him.
I fucking live and breathe caillou. The little bald cancer patient gets my heart a-flutterin for good times in the name of family friendly programming and entertainment the likes of which no one has ever seen in this reality or any other.
But something horrific happened when I, a 35 year old man in my mother’s basement, was watching caillou. I am training to work at the local disabled children’s hospital, and I needed experience studying bald children, and caillou, was bald, and a child.
But the episode I saw shocked me to the core of my being, it was very, very scary. It was called “Caillou dies of cancer,” and I could tell, because he had cancer. It was also called “Caillou gets murdered and eaten by vultures” and “caillou is devoured by bees because he has a bee allergy and they infested his skull.”
I initially acquired he tape by stealing it. They say stealing is wrong, but not when it’s Callou. I always steal caillou. “Good morning Caillou!” it was caillou’s mother, caillou with a vagina. “Make me some cerial you stupid bitch.” Disheveled Caillou had bloodshot eyes as though he had been up all night studying his bald head. You see the united states tattooed on the back of his bald head (keep in mind Caillou originally aired in Canada.) He also has a swastika and a “the confederacy will rise again” tattoo, even though the only thing Canada enslaved was our hearts and minds with this great television program.
The narrator sounded like she was on cocaine. What she said next shocked me. “Caillou knew the child his parents thought they adopted was supposed to be a young boy. But the 36 year old prison convict, with beard stubble, had to shave constantly to maintain the illusion.” Indeed, caillou had beard stubble. This was disturbing…highly realistic beard stubble, with careful attention to the specific trim to the rough hair follicles. “What’s that cut on your lip Caillou?” It was his mother. He tried to disguise his gruff, post-puberty voice. “Eh, ma, I’m caillou, I fell… when I was playin’ outside, bitch.” “What’s that smell?” His mother interjected. She pointed out that it smelled like cigarette smoke, but caillou doesn’t smoke. She reached into his winter knapsack and finds some MARLBORO CIGARETTES, THE KIND AN ADULT SMOKES!” I screamed. The mother is shown turning on the tv. Convicted murderer escapes Vancouver prison, police are on the lookout for a bald, 3 foot 2 cancer-patient looking man. His mother confiscates his cigarettes, quickly.
“Let’s carve a pumpkin!” Caillou took out a knife, even though it wasn’t Halloween. He lunges toward his mother, stabbing her while she screams. He quickly buries the body under the snow and starts building a snowman by putting snow around the corpse.
Caillou waits until his father comes home. “Where is your mother, caillou? I’ve been calling her on my cellphone.” Caillou informs his father that his mother went shopping for Christmas, and told him to build a hoeman. “You mean a snowman, caillou.” His father asserted. Caillou smiled. It was a sinister smile. His father sees the blood and caillou points out that it’s merely fruit punch, as he had been thirst and spilled some fruit punch.
His father knew better though. He smelled blood. And after watching the local news stories, he pieced it together, slowly. “Let’s learn about Christmas caillou!” he exclaimed. “I love chirstmas!” Caillou exclaimed. He invites his son into the living room and shows him a variety of presents, and even a hannukah dreidel. Cailou is shown opening presents, first a racecar, then toilet paper, then three pencils and a hello kitty sketchbook.
“And every year, santa comes down the chimney, and leaves cookies and milk!” His father exclaimed. “I love milk!” Caillou exclaims. “I love milk too!” His father exclaims. “Let’s sing a song about milk!” His father exclaims. He starts to sing a long song about dairy cows, the farmers, people who have sex with cows, this was disturbing, highly graphic details about the life and death of cows, including details about artificial insemination and how a bolt gun works.
What happened next was truly disturbing. His father took out a revolver and shot caillou in the head. Caillou slumps over, bleeding. Cold.
He phones the police who quickly identify the body and discover over 30 corpses buried under the snow in the family’s backyard. The narrator discusses the dangers of adopting bald children, before going on some tangent about her favorite flavors of lemon-lime fiesta chili and then just stops talking altogether, but you hear her mumbling. I think she may still be talking about the chili.
Caillou was dead. I shut the tape off and immediately called the guy I stole it from, asking to know the meaning of this tape. He told it was some sort of anti-piracy measure, he hides tapes the creator made to trick people who are thinking of robbing the local family video, but he appeared to be lying, sounding very sketchy and a little bit nervous. I tried going to the family video but it mysteriously closed down a few days later. Rumor has it, the creator of the show actually sets up family videos around the country to harass the poor working class that demand to know the meaning of VHS tapes. The odd thing was- the man…the man who worked at the store. He…looked like Caillou.