You know, I always liked Blues Clues. It was a show about a lonely man who lived in his apartment and seemed to have issues solving very simple dilemmas. He was guided by his dog, Blue, a blue dog. It's a great show with a lot of mentally stimulating material, but what a lot of people don't know is that various elements of the original plot line were stripped out in favor of more family friendly entertainment. The pilot episode, created by Todd Kessler and whoever "David Venial" was, was an interesting take on the original idea, though maybe slightly more adult in tone.
Steve, for example, is slightly blind. This is why he had his dog blue, a seeing eye dog was meant to help him find things. The clues were intended to be the dog trying to assist Steve in things like finding groceries and going to the bathroom. The episode starts slightly differently. Instead of the yellow book saying "Blue's Clues" opening, instead a book titled "Disability aid for Impaired Humans" is shown. A picture of a skeleton man in a top hat with a cane is on the cover. Indeed, the show looks a little different. The show used computer generated stills to render its backdrops, but these stills were grainier and of lower quality. The yard looked fairly unkempt and dirty, for example. Another issue I noticed, which became more and more glaringly obvious as time progressed, was that Steve had two dark circles under his eyes. Indeed, Steve looked a little sick. Little did I know how sick Steve was. Steve was sick. Anyway, Steve was played by the same actor, but he was much slower. He had a speech impediment which made his words slightly slurry. "Come on in!" He huffed like Droopy Dog. Blue the dog also looked different. The skin was textured more like a real dog. While still blue, there were noticeably fur-like hairs on the character model, and the eyes sparkled like a real puppy dog's. In one regard it looked cute, but in another...it just seemed a little off.
Steve's shirt was frail and tattered. The walls of the home were kind of dirty too, with fading wallpaper. Steve's usual sofa chair was dirtier. Some sort of stain was on it, it was hard to make out. Steve went to get the mail. He sang his usual song, but instead of lyrics, it was just the word mail over and over. "MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL MAIL!" He stammered. He shuddered a little and almost fell over. "MAILLLL!" He excitedly opened the mail to find nothing but a few bills and an expired coupon for a free Chick-Fil-A sandwich. "I don't know what I was expecting." Steve said with a scowl. "I don't have any friends." There was a long pause. "Except for you, kids." He pointed at the camera and smiled at the camera as it zoomed into his face, revealing a disheveled amount of beard stubble.
"I need something fun to do today!" Steve exclaims. Blue is seen in the corner, tugging away at the corner of a rug. As Steve continues to talk, the rug is slowly pulled away more and more, revealing a trapdoor. A symbol of an eye is carved on the door along with the Latin phrase "Caecus Bardus", which roughly translates to "Unintelligent Blind Man". Steve is visibly shaking as he adjusts his house's thermostat. The thermostat is a real thermostat, not a drawn in one. In fact, many of the objects that would be drawn in are more like pasted on clip art. "I need to clean myself." Steve says. He goes into his bathroom and begins to shower. Suddenly, the soap begins to scream! "What the hell are you doing?" the soap yells. Steve sees that the soap has a face, and while it's a cute smiley face, he looks really confused. He begins to freak out and throws the soap in the toilet, flushing it down while it screams bloody murder. He notices tiny faces on all of his other cosmetic and hygiene products. "What's next, singing toothpaste?" The voice said from the other room. "I just imagined that." Steve said. "Blue!" he yelled. "Help me find something fun to do." Blue winked at the camera, and lead Steve into the kitchen area. "I'll take your mouth too." A voice said from the other room again.
Steve walked into his kitchen, which had a small fire burning in the corner. The utensil drawer was shaking. There were living utensils in there, he knew it. Steve bumped into the side of the table and fell down. Blue placed a paw print. The first clue. Sitting on the table behind Steve's corpse was a blue paw print on a cucumber. The first clue. Blue seemed slightly sinister looking, there were six copies of a slightly transparent blue sprite all layered over each other. "Look!" a voice yelled. "What?" Steve said. "Right there!" the voice yelled. "What is it?" It was the same thing it always was, a clue. And the clue was clearly visible, so why couldn't Steve see it. A strange figure in a cloak slid across the room without moving its legs. It may have been a prop on wheels, but whatever it was, it took several random items such as chairs and bowls as it made its rounds across the room. "What is it?" Steve said. The flames continued to eat the background. "It's a clue!" A grizzled, older man's voice yelled. "How the hell can you not see that? It's right fucking there!" Steve squinted, and picked up the cucumber. He opened up his notepad and tried to draw it, but he was shaking too much and ended up drawing something weird. I couldn't really tell what it was. It looked like a picture of Hitler at a children's birthday party.
Steve was then led to the second clue, which again had the man yelling angrily. "You can hear me, I know you can." Whispered that slithery voice from the other room. Steve needed another shower. He showered again, and then found the second clue. It was a jar of Vaseline. He couldn't even draw this, it was just a straight line followed by the camera cutting back to him with one eye closed. A few seconds later Steve is seen on the phone with his doctor. "I feel like my dog is trying to kill me. And all of the utensils, furniture and appliances in my house have faces." The phone is disconnected.
Steve is shown walking over his door to lock it with great paranoia. He drags a huge deadbolt across the door and turns around to adjust a crooked picture of the room he's in on the wall. "Look!" the voice yelled. The third clue was on Steve's right butt cheek. Steve went over to the chair and began to deliberate on his clues. "Hmm." He said. "What is something I can do with a cucumber, Vaseline and" he thought and thought about it. He asked the audience. He paced around the room. He tried desperately to comprehend what the clues added up to, but he couldn't. Blue suddenly began to talk in a heavy German accent. "I want you to put the cucumber in your ass." Steve began to scream as the dog jumped forward, revealing rows and rows of teeth like a trash compactor. "DO IT YOU UMLAUT!" The teeth began to rotate in a machine like fashion as Steve ran into the other room. The door was gone. He tried desperately to draw a new door with a crayon, but the fires from the kitchen had made the home so hot that the crayon melted into the wall. A bloodied wheelchair covered in leeches lay in the corner. Blue's head elongated by a foot in length, and his eyes grew as wide as saucers now. Talon like claws grew from his skin, and his or her rows of teeth began to grind up the backdrop. Steve's last hope was the trapdoor from earlier. He ran over to it and pulled it open, diving into it. Blue's monstrous teeth chattered as he began to sprout boney wings, and blood began to pool from beneath his feet. His stomach opens up and highly realistic gore begins to spew in mammoth chunks from everywhere. Massive columns of fire erupted from behind him as the walls cracked and broke. A strange hollow, soulless noise began to envelop the screen as demonic spikes slowly rose from the ground around him. "I'M NOT BLUE!" He boomed. "I'M RED!" Two dozen dead bodies lay at the bottom of the trap door. Steve stumbled over them, his blindness not allowing him to realize what they were. The blood red dog-like demon bit into Steve's arm, leaving a bloodied and gnarled mess. Steve reached across the floor and picked up a crowbar, and lifted it high, slamming it brutally into Blue's skull, cracking it into bloodied pieces. Blue, or Red as he liked to be called, exploded, sending gore flying in all directions. Steve slammed against the wall and joined the pile of bodies that were laying face down on the floor. The center of the explosion had revealed Blue's true core. A little skeleton man in a top hat and a monocle began to dance around. He did all kinds of crazy dances with a sinister smile. As the skeletal man began to dance like Michigan J. Frog, a voice whispered "I'm in your home." I personally looked around my own home and saw nothing.
The tape should've ended there. The credits to the children's program began to roll, but they were abruptly cut off by some random conversation between two people. "This really is good pizza." one of them says. It's...Steve. "They say when you lose one sense, it heightens the others." Steve says. "Hard to enjoy it." Steve continued, holding a spoon. There was nobody else there. He was having a conversation with the air at his dinner table. "I wouldn't enjoy this as much if I had my eyes." Pause. "HE TOOK MY EYES!" Steve screamed. The camera cut to Steve, with two abyss-like holes that were wider than normal eye sockets. Deep within his eye sockets, there was a nothingness as he sat there, and smiled, and enjoyed his pizza. He wasn't alone though. The shovels and pails, the salt and pepper shakers, the garbage cans and the refrigerators were all alive and well.
Then suddenly, my TV broke.