Written by GarfieldFan1997 (a.k.a. Ashley Armbruster)

Ah yes, our childhood. The best thing we can think of since TV and movies came along. You wanna know what I grew up with? Baby Einstein. Now I know what you’re gonna ask. Why the fuck are you still watching that crap when it’s for babies and toddlers?


Well excuse me princess, that’s none of your business. And excuse me right there, I said princess because I was imitating Link from that Legend of Zelda TV show.

Ok, so let me introduce myself. My name is Sid Chang. I’m from the television show The Casagrandes. My occupation is hanging out with my friend Ronnie Anne. She’s sadly gone now so I can’t tell you about her sadly. But anyways, why do I still watch Baby Einstein? Well, here’s a few reasons why.

I’ll explain them from A to C. A, it’s very colorful. B, the music is amazing, and C, you’re never too old for anything in my opinion. The best part of Baby Einstein is the first episode of the series entitled Language Nursery. It teaches you how to speak different languages and much more.

However, there’s somewhat of a bootleg version of this episode. Here’s the story. One day, I was at my uncle Dante’s house just playing on my 3DS. Then Dante claimed that we should do some fun stuff like going to Mcdonalds, Goodwill and more.

We arrived at Mcdonalds. I ordered a cheeseburger with no pickles and no onions, a cinnamon roll, french fries and a hawaiian punch. But for some reason, the employee who was Sergeant Hartman refused to offer me the cinnamon roll since he claimed that they don’t do all day breakfast anymore.

Dante then pulled out a pistol and said, “Listen here you boot camper, we don’t care that it’s the afternoon, either you serve us the cinnamon rolls or we’re reporting both your boss and the manager!” Hartman kept refusing so Dante just walked in and beat up the employee and we managed to get free food ourselves. 

Me and Dante drove away like it never happened. Then we went to the Goodwill which was not that far away. I was in the VHS section looking at all the kids movies they sold such as Thomas And The Magic Railroad, The Road To El Dorado and others. While deciding the movies I planned to get, I met up with a familiar person named Franklin Bean. He once owned an alcoholic cider factory before Mr Fox bankrupted it.

That’s when he handed me a DVD which had that star from Baby Einstein. Not a movie star, a real star like you see on the cover of Language Nursery. However, the star had the beak of Colonel Dodo.” Are you ruining my childhood all of a sudden?” I asked Mr Bean. He told me that I’ll like this bootleg VHS cause it’s filled with crossover characters.

Franklin’s homie who was no other than Wes Anderson showed up and told me that someone makes a very special surprise at the end. I tried to keep my loud excitement from bursting out because I was going to relive my childhood.

I met up with Dante again in the clothing section and I told him what I found. But Dante got confused and said, “Why does the star have a beak?” I replied by saying, “Maybe it’s an updated version of the video.”

We then went to the check-out and I met these familiar people who go by the names of Vincent Vega and his homie Jules Winnfield. They told us that they were once hitmen but they ended their jobs ever since a riot broke out in their hometown. We bought our stuff and Dante drove me home since I had a fun fulfilling day.

I arrived at the house and all my family was there. If you are curious about my family, their names are Gary Supernova, Richard Fatchurd, Kiki, Mr Hector, Kit Secord, Ratchet, Peter Jacobs and two sisters who are ducks. Quite a big family isn’t it? Oh! I also have a pet squirrel in which her name is Andie.

I made my way to my bedroom and sat down on my bed. Andie inserted the tape and I was in for a good time. However, I got pissed by something when the tape started. Julie Aigner Clark happened to be Cynthia from Silent Hill 4. She detailed what you need to know about Baby Einstein and how you can have your baby interact with it.

Then it went to the episode. Things were quite normal with the bear popping out of it’s little box. The fish bowl and the shapes. But after that, when it showed the cow, the beavers from the Open Season films came out and started harassing the uddered animal. The cow somehow went super saiyan and lasered the beavers. Then it kept walking. Next, we’re introduced to the ring stacker but it looked like Superintendent Chalmers was narrating while James Sand put the rings together.

What came along after that was the train, but it seems like Nathan Drake was driving the train. The lava toy was normal, but when it showed us the barnyard race, the animals were the bear family from The Simpsons.

After that, the flowers and the mobile toy came on screen and they were all normal as well with the bear in the box, bricks and candles. But however, the scene with the dolls were images of Alexander The Donkey, Mr Weenie, Buzz The Honey Nut Cheerio Bee and Rap Rat.

Then the train came back but Stephen Fry was driving instead of Nathan Drake. The centipede appeared as normal but Papi from Kronk’s New Groove was narrating the entire thing. Papi then narrated the next lava toy, the carousel and the chain colored black, white and red.

I decided to remove the tape as I didn’t want to watch the rest since there might be more crossovers that I didn’t feel like watching.

I kept it in my closet so I can donate it back to Goodwill. After that, I decided to have a nice shower since I haven’t had one since this morning. It must have been like 5 minutes since I was in there when I noticed that Norman Bates was gonna stab my ass to death. But luckily, Franklin Bean came to rescue me. He asked what my final thoughts on the tape were as I kept showering. I told him that I wasn’t used to the crossovers in the episode. A knock was at the bathroom door. I paused my shower to go answer it. It appeared to be Alberto Clemente asking if Norman is here. I pointed to where he was and Norman was put under arrest by the police.

The next day, I went out for a nice clear walk. Along the way, I met some familiar people such as 13-Amp, Murray Wiggle, Chris, Eggplant Edwardson & Grasshopper Gregory, Mayor Muldoon and Eddie Scarpa. While walking back to my house, I got stopped by Vex and Matt Damon asking if there’s a thrift shop nearby. I told him that there is a thrift shop all the way in Japan. 

Remember, if you see a bootleg version of a Baby Einstein VHS, you are probably not gonna like it. It’s been nice chatting with you, but I’m going to the theatres to see a movie about Hitchcock.

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